Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

OP didn't say "that's how I am, lump it". She immediately apologised, and felt awful as per her post.
Of course her ADHD is relevant. What do you think it means to have ADHD. Fundamentally part of it is difficulty inhibiting impulses. You do things without thinking. Would you think a blind person was wrong for "blaming" their visual impairment on them not recognising people.
On an emotional level it is understandable that OP's DH was upset. But silly that people on this thread think that ADHD is being used as an excuse.

Exactly, I’m not sure I believe this tale

It’s definitely not an excuse. I didn’t want to drip feed so that’s why I thought it’s relevant

Meds aren’t a silver bullet unfortunately. You need to do some work on it too.

do you do it at the cinema or work? I know at home you shouldn’t have to watch yourself all the time but when you live with other people you need to try to some extent

@Tutorpuzzle is reminding you about giving personal information but you don’t seem to understand
I hadn’t thought about that but I’m sure they all know anyway
Maybe your DH doesn’t want to be identified.

I think you know what you did.

Well you know yabu

Fwiw ive done the same thing - its not on purpose, it is just the adhd, but it can really hurt people

I expect you're prepared to grovel and agree to be more careful in future. But also girl - i'd be worried as this is clearly the straw thats broke the camels back

Is he unhappy in your relationship? I hope not but i'd be taking his reaction as a serious indicator that he isnt x

You husband is already going through hell. He’s waiting for exactly that news, in that moment his entire being will have been flooded with every emotion and hormone, he’s gone into a massive fight or flight, and then within minutes had to process that it’s not his mum that died.

that’s a massive assault on his mind and body, and I can see exactly why he needs time to self regulate after.

if this is a pattern of similar incidents this may just be the tipping point for him to need to step away. It’s a hell of a lot to put him through.

I hate it when people use the “shucks it’s just what i do”…. Which always seems to somehow have the caveat of “so actually I’m the victim here..”

I think it's very telling that you've come on here to prove you were not acting unreasonably. His poor mother is dying and yet instead of acknowledging his feelings and accepting you hurt him you're trying to win an argument...

Its very odd to refer to Judith Chalmers as “Judith” when it’s not used as moniker for her, and she’s hardly that mainstream for everyone to know what you’re referring to.

You were thoughtless and insensitive, but understandably not deliberately so. He had a huge fright. He’s allowed to be upset.

OP you are getting a hard time on here from people who don't get what it is like. Daft advice like "just think before you speak" comes from neurotypicals applying things that would work for hem to a totally different situation. I hope medication works for you, it has been good for me. As you probably know, shame is a big part of having ADHD, try to be kind to yourself as well as to those around you.

It was an odd and insensitive phrase to say. With your mil being ill, is it not on your mind that talking about death is a sensitive subject anyway, let alone the fact it’s someone with the same name?

I Think you should learn to take a breath before speaking. My autistic dd does this kind of thing but she’s 14 - I’m assuming you’re nearer my age (50).

it may not be your fault but I would really try to address this as it’s resulting in upsetting loved ones.

So even your sister thought you meant your MIL and subsequently thought you were in the wrong.

Eat humble pie. Apologise PROFUSELY and stop clutching at ‘I wasn’t THAT wrong, was I?’ straws

Please be aware that meds aren’t the solution to everything. Meds are a tool. But tools are useless if you don’t actually put in the work and use them properly.

My adhd meds were a complete game changer and - quite frankly - a life saver. I would just encourage to have a plan for how to work and continue working on your major issues.

If this is something that has repeatedly happened (you accidentally hurting somebody by speaking before thinking), have you been working on it? And taken responsibility when it happened?

But even that is understandable as they were sharing a house with David. Judith Chalmers is hardly a big household name to be referred to as “Judith”.

Literally came here to say this 😆😆😆

I would never say 'judith' to my sister if I meant DH's mother. I'd definitely say ' oh no Sis, just heard DH's mum has died'. Got to go, etc.
However celebrity or cultural icon we'd be short handing in a guess who, how old, gossipy way. 'oMG, Judith/Kurt/cilla has just died'

Also, am I the only one who thinks of Mingogue rather than Jenner when hearing the name Kylie? Is this one of those ‘are you old’ questions?

Your sister agrees with your DH that you did a shitty thing - sounds like she was shocked too! You need to reflect and apologise.

I do feel awful and I’m not saying adhd is an excuse at all.

I’ll let him calm down as he’s still so angry and I’ll apologise again when he wants to talk.

I got one from BBC.

Total overreaction on his part.
OP you weren’t even talking to him!
why was he eavesdropping in the first place?

COMPLETELY OFF TOPIC Kylie Minogue successfully took Kylie Jenner to court over trademarks even the law agrees that she’s THE Kylie

He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.

Sounds like this isn’t your first rodeo.