Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

I think your husband's response is not normal.

What is a normal response to thinking your mother has died?

Your OH is being a twit. Everything is not about him.

But some things are about him, and his mother dying is one of them.

I've never watched Big Brother so just looked up David's Dead and I'm weak hahahaha.

This was a truly insensitive thing for you to do.

Unless you personally knew Judith Chalmers, your comment makes no sense. She was never that big a star.

You have hurt your husband and now you are crying ‘oh, but ADHD’

Nasty.

This was an unintentional but careless thing to say, particularly considering your MIL is very unwell. It’s odd to refer to a celebrity by their first name unless it’s someone like Madonna or Beyoncé. I can see how your DH has found the situation extremely upsetting and thoughtless even if unintentional, particularly as it’s a pattern of behaviour according to him.

A sincere apology and genuine reflection on how you understand your words could have been misinterpreted and some sort of action to help stop this going forward (the blurting out without thinking) will be a good first step.

I don't think it is normal. If the OP had left him in that state for a few minutes, yes. But it was clarified immediately.

It’s giving David’s dead, eventually one day he’ll chuckle about it.

One time DD misunderstood that her friend’s grandmother had died so she was extra nice for a while, bringing treats, food, presents, checking in, etc. The works. Then a couple years later the grandmother actually died.

To this day we have no idea what she misunderstood or what her friend thought of her sudden extreme thoughtfulness.

Say what? Ear wigging? Should be block his ears whenever OP has a call?

I think it was deliberate too if it happened at all

To this day we have no idea what she misunderstood

Perhaps it was her friend's other grandmother?

Failing to understand your closest person sounds like something he needs to address
yep, poor guy, how can he address his partner being so insensitive and when called on it doing the “I’m the victim here! You’re mean!!” ?

Your dh sounds like a complete bellend. Find someone who understands you, not someone who is going to make you feel terrible for being who you are

You cant not hear stuff that in being said within your earshot. Especially if it something like this.

Maybe this is the consistent lack of thought your husband is referring to.

Many years go, before mobile phones, my Dad was in hospital with leukaemia. I was at work one day in a big training session and someone from HR came in with a message for me to “call home urgently”. My heart stopped, I almost threw up, ran to a landline to call my Mum, no answer. Rang the hospital who said “oh yes, your Dad is here, doing fine, would you like to speak to him?”

I was obviously relieved but so traumatised I went home sick from work. Got to my shared flat and went inside to find my ditzy university mate who had stayed over the night before sitting in my living room. “WTF are you still doing here?” i said. “Thank God you came home, I was locked in and couldn't get to work” she said. Turned out my flatmate had had no idea my friendwas there and had double locked our door on leaving. So the message to “urgently call home” had come from my friend, who was
well aware how ill my Dad was….I was NOT impressed with her choice of words…

Yes but she wasn’t talking to him. He should use his common sense and realise there are other people in the world.

I come from a culture where we wouldn’t even say our parents name out loud because it’s seen as disrespectful, but in this situation I would see that OP was in a conversation with someone else and was not addressing me.

These “serves him right” comments are horrible. It doesn’t sound like he was listening in on purpose. It’s not unreasonable for him to think you were talking about his mum as that’s the main Judith he knows.

He’s had a shock, he needs some space to calm down and see you blurted out the name of someone else without thinking. It’s like when a kid wanders off and the parent is so scared and then relieved to find them that they end up shouting at/telling the kid off. They are overwhelmed with different emotions because they care a lot and don’t mean to be angry at the kid

This! Especially with all the “oh poor you op! How dare he be upset with you!!”

Nearly all of my posts on here try to make the OP feel better. I think it’s human instinct. Most of the time if I can’t agree with them, I don’t post.

But today I feel compelled to tell you that was an awful situation. What you did was unbelievably hurtful. ADHD is no excuse or reason to blurt such a crass, insensitive thing. As others have said - who on earth is Judith Charmers to you? Is she your auntie? My judgement is also coloured by the “oooh 90 year old tv personality has died” ghouls. I hate it. Do people want to be the first one to spread the news?

Your DH is clearly preparing himself mentally for the loss of his mother and you showed you just aren’t thinking about how he is feeling at all.

Jesus, I wish some of the judgemental posters on this thread could live just one day with ADHD and realise how much effort it takes to stop your mouth saying what's just come into your brain.

This. I have a relative who says provocative things then denies having meant anything by it at all if anyone challenges her on it. It might be adhd related in that it’s wanting the stimulation of Something Happening over peace but it’s not just ‘speaking without thinking’.

So when OP's DH reacts to something thoughtless that OP has done he's a bellend who should be discarded because he doesn't understand who OP is. Particularly as this appears to be one of many instances of OP putting her foot in it. But OP has no obligation to understand who her DH is despite the fact that his mother is at death's door. It's all about OP and OP's feelings.

Gosh, one might almost see that as a massive double standard.

It sounds like there is a massive backstory. Perhaps the impulsivity is having more impact on the relationship than OP realizes.

Your husband is a jerk.

I think so too. OP got the drama she wanted with her ‘mistake’. And only realised afterwards how shitty it was.

The fact that you’re not tuned in enough to what your husband’s going through to casually throw that out in conversation with a second thought for it being his mother’s name speaks volumes. I have ADHD, but in this situation, I’d be so hyper focused on what my poor DH is going through that I wouldn’t make this error.

Also, nobody refers to people they don’t know by first name only like that. It’s making me feel like you purposefully provoked him.