‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

[birdsinginthemorning]

That’s what a good friend just messaged to me.

I am (only semi seriously) wondering if I am in the wrong relationship.

DH has announced he’s working from home most of next week, only going into the office on Wednesday.

I am a teacher so I’m off next week for half term. I am now dreading it 😩

It’s really hard to put my finger on what it is. I hate having to be conscious of noise. I don’t even think we’re all that noisy but it’s that awareness. I also kind of feel watched, even though I know I’m not, it’s that feeling.

The children are only young so while they do sort of understand ‘daddy’s working’ it’s still hard for them to really get it.

We do have a lot planned and we’re out for the whole days Mondays & Fridays as they are his ‘usual’ wfh days. But the rest of the week we’re out for the morning and I don’t really want to have them on a carousel of activities all week.

Is it just me?

And it makes no difference where in the house he is, whether he wears noise cancelling headphones or not, it really is just that I don’t like him working from home. I can sort of tolerate it a couple of times a week but I genuinely think I would be quite depressed if it was every day.

I totally get it. My DH can pick & choose when he WFH and I hate if he WFH on the days I am at home with DC. It's the there & not there feeling like coming down, getting them excited then announcing "I have to work" when they start fighting!! Not being able to ask him to watch them for a few mins as he's working despite being physically in the house. Or having to have food in for him as otherwise he'd eat/drink at work.

How big is your house OP? If it's small I can see it might be an issue as you're on top of eachother - otherwise no I don't really understand, I love my DP working from home when he does

You might not but plenty of people do. I know that sounds a bit snarky and it isn’t intended that way, it’s just that it’s not unusual.

A lot of people have identified similar feelings to me and frustrations - the popping down and getting the kids wound up, the mess, the not being able to ask for help but he’s physically there. It does make a difference with the best will in the world.

I can see that if your partner has a job that’s really, really flexible and they literally can tune in and out or are exceptionally hands on and involved and schedule time to give you breaks / spend time with children then it might work. But even then on balance I’d probably prefer to just get on with things myself.

We don’t all have endless annual leave that we can use every school holiday. I get 25 days I have to take 10 to cover Christmas as no holiday clubs and am left with 15 to cover the rest, most of which goes on summer holidays. Would be lovely to be able to take leave every school holiday.

I would definitely feel the same way.

I totally get it op, I cant put my finger on it either when my partner is working from home. Thankfully it's not the norm. I want the place to myself. I work nights and I want to come home to a quiet and empty house. I know it sounds a bit selfish, and I'm glad I dont have children to think about now. We do joke about it, and I cant wait for him to be back out to work for the full week.

If you work from home and have small children, it’s imperative to be invisible to them, or they get upset or want to play.

Is he working from home to get to see the kids a bit/not have to commute? In my family I’m the one with the office job and less time off in school holidays. I jump at every chance to get any extra time with the kids and can feel quite sad if I miss out on all the holiday fun because of work. It can be a bit distracting to the kids when they are off and I’m working from home, but it’s just the odd week. Is his office (and work) likely quieter this week with half term so he’s wanting to see you all a bit more (or take the opportunity for shorter more relaxed days)?

Your post is confusing me because I get it can be a bit annoying but if your reaction is thinking of leaving sounds like a whole lot else isn’t working.

Rules in our house are, it's a home first and foremost. If you choose to work from there, you have to deal with all the usual things that happen in a home, including our toddler being her usual self. If you can't cope with that, go into the office.

Do you have a garden? Perhaps he could get one of those garden rooms that became really popular during the COVID lock down.

I can't think of anything worse than having to pussy foot about,, and walk on egg shells with children because he needs things to be quiet.

Hope you can go get something sorted soon.
👍

because his wife is a teacher and therefore spending her whole holiday on childcare.

whats he saving his for? A nice peaceful day in term time?

agree he should take at least 1 day off and take the kids out so you get a free day

@MJagain we do actually need DH to keep a few days spare to cover INSET days at my child’s school and other last minute emergencies that may fall upon a working day for me (I am part time.)

That said, it’s something I need to address with DH because at the end of July we are moving our DD (younger child) to a preschool which is term time only. At the moment she attends a private day nursery which is open in holidays for two days a week and I get a couple of days with just my eldest, which is good for us both as I don’t get much one to one time with him. So we’ll have to think about how to engineer that a bit better.

@HelicoPie get it can be a bit annoying but if your reaction is thinking of leaving sounds like a whole lot else isn’t working you’ve taken my post very literally which is why it’s confusing. I’m not seriously thinking about leaving or even not seriously! I found it slightly amusing that one woman thought she was lucky her partner worked from home whereas my reaction is more like ‘oh shit, no!’

Those of you who magnanimously think DH is working from home so he can see more of me and the children - you’re lovely people but no 😂 he’s hurt his leg so doesn’t want to strain it by driving.

I don’t like DH working from home. Home is my working space and I want to get on with chores in whatever order I choose. I don’t want him coming down for a drink when I’m about to clean the floors or vacuum. I just feel like he’s in my space. He is really good about noise though, he doesn’t expect quiet when the kids are home, he puts his earphones in and listens to music when not in meetings. Just carry on as you would normally do and he will have to tolerate any noise made.

Im.a nanny. I get you! I loved my job before 2018 when everyone was in office! Its not super bad there are some pros (ie mum can take child to school sometimes) but like you i prefer when parents leave the house so theg dont keep popping in and suggesting activites when the timing is wrong and then having to keep quiet etc!

Sore leg though - seems a decent reason to not want to commute. And assume he works from home sometimes during term time. So you think because you are also off he’s barred from his own house. Think you just need to try and relax a bit when he is WFH. He seems to be being perfectly reasonable and you are complaining about a load of things he’s genuinely saying are not an issue. So you are kind of annoyed with a ln imaginary problem?

this whole convo seems pretty sexist too. “A man’s place is in the office” 🫣

When dh works from home we carry on exactly the same. If he complained I’d just say this is a home first and your workplace second (as I did when lockdown started and we adjusted to working from home) it was tricky when he worked in the kitchen and I would try to time meal prep around his meetings. But now he has a home office I forget he’s there. And it means no commute so he is around to help earlier.

@HelicoPie one thing I really don’t like on here is people being adversarial for no good reason whatsoever.

I haven’t said he can’t work from home. I haven’t so much as passed an opinion either way. I’ve arranged to be out all day Monday and Friday (his usual WFH days) so he can work in peace and this has resulted in a bonus day for him because I forgot he isn’t actually working Monday anyway!

But just as he is allowed a preference so am I, even if I only share it on here.

It isn’t really about a man’s place being in the office, it’s just about it being difficult to manage a parent being in the house but unavailable. For some, their partners working from home make life easier. This isn’t the case for me.

I WFH 4 days a week. DH WFH 1 day a week, when I'm in the office and works compressed hours so is off completely on Fridays. He will also sometimes WFH if I'm not so the office is free.

Days he's WFH are so much easier. He's around for breakfast and getting DC up and out for school and he's there as soon as work finishes rather than 40 minutes later after the commute.

I'd rather he took the opportunity to WFH any time he can.

And from your other post:

I jump at every chance to get any extra time with the kids and can feel quite sad if I miss out on all the holiday fun because of work. It can be a bit distracting to the kids when they are off and I’m working from home, but it’s just the odd week

So your own fun and enjoyment is more important than the extra load on the parent at home that week. With small children its hard enough without having the working parent installed to disrupt the flow at random unplanned intervals during the day. Small children can also find it very confusing.

Its not all about you or the DH in this set up. Would you be happy in the office if one of your peers kept looking over your shoulder, generally distracting the teams and asking what you are doing and why, engaging your team and then walking away leaving you to get them back on track? Now repeat that multiple times per day.

The parent at home with small children is trying to do a job as well.

"this has resulted in a bonus day for him because I forgot he isn’t actually working Monday anyway" - OP, do you think his view of you taking the children out would be that it would be a bonus for him because he doesn't have to be with his family?

yeah I get that - a bit annoying. As I say - I do this and try and hide as much as I can because it’s disruptive popping in and out.

but I think it’s fair to consider, why do you think he’s working from home? Sore leg. And is that a better reason / benefit than you wanting him not to? Plus he works from home half the time so it’s not that odd for him to be doing it a little bit more.

not being adversarial - I know it’s annoying and said that. It is definitely capable of being annoying. It’s just - I’m not sure your preference trumps his. And he’s being pretty reasonable about it.

The comment about this chat being a bit sexist is not directed to just you. I mean - if the gender’s were swapped here it l think it would be a super different chat. It seems there is an (under)current of “women have priority over home/kids and men office” on both assumptions about underlying motivations, and just generally.

Ignore the goads. Its nothing to do with sexism - its the reality of trying to manage small children with someone constantly looking over your shoulder and questioning what you are doing. They don’t have to be doing it unpleasantly for it to disrupt the children and make life more difficult (especially in extremes of weather from memory).

Its also entirely normal to simply enjoy a bit of peace to get on with all the random crap around the house without “helpful” comments and questions.

All that said, if you are stuck with it this week just carry on regardless and don’t toptoe around. Use the vacuum, TV, music, games just as you normally would - its a home first, not free office space.

I totally get it!! I adore my husband but I do not want him in the house trying to work when I’m off - whether our son is here or not! I relate to everything you said.
I'm not awkward with my husband at other times and I’m happy when he’s home and we are all spending time together. But when it’s the school holidays I want him out of the house if he’s working!

100% people interrupt you all the time in the office. It’s much harder to get your head down and work in the office.

i mean - the original post suggest the default is that it’s helpful when someone works from home. “Lucky”. The other parent can pop out etc. get 2 extra hours as no commute plus lunchtime to properly help too.

not everyone is uptight about disrupting a person who doesn’t feel like they are being disrupted. That’s all in the head. might be a real worry, but it needn’t be.

If he was really disrupting them, different. But firstly, that’s not what OP is saying. He seems to not be bothering anyone, she just feel on edge when he’s there.

i mean - if he was marching around telling everyone to be quiet and interrupting them all the time that would be something to discuss. But given he’s just sitting in a room and occasionally goes for a pee or grabs a coffee I’m not really agreeing with all this chat.

You are the only person who has made this about sex.

I was the office based worker as well. I knew full well that if OH was at home with the kids when small it made his life harder to have me at home. I would go into the client office unless we had plans which made it more sensible to WFH

If I was home with the DC it was rarely an issue because WFH wasn’t an option for him. However if he brought work home to do out of hours it was a pain trying to wrangle young DC who knew he was in the house.

Neither of us put our own preferences first without regard to the parent actually managing the DC that day.