‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

[birdsinginthemorning]

That’s what a good friend just messaged to me.

I am (only semi seriously) wondering if I am in the wrong relationship.

DH has announced he’s working from home most of next week, only going into the office on Wednesday.

I am a teacher so I’m off next week for half term. I am now dreading it 😩

It’s really hard to put my finger on what it is. I hate having to be conscious of noise. I don’t even think we’re all that noisy but it’s that awareness. I also kind of feel watched, even though I know I’m not, it’s that feeling.

The children are only young so while they do sort of understand ‘daddy’s working’ it’s still hard for them to really get it.

We do have a lot planned and we’re out for the whole days Mondays & Fridays as they are his ‘usual’ wfh days. But the rest of the week we’re out for the morning and I don’t really want to have them on a carousel of activities all week.

Is it just me?

And it makes no difference where in the house he is, whether he wears noise cancelling headphones or not, it really is just that I don’t like him working from home. I can sort of tolerate it a couple of times a week but I genuinely think I would be quite depressed if it was every day.

@birdsinginthemorning could be partly a teacher thing? I'm absolutely peopled out.
I want to have a cup of tea on my own and not be joined by someone. Or cook or do whatever without conversation. The kids would disappear and play or watch a film for a while. I get it.

Oh, I can see both sides. I wfh for 5 years until last year. It was good but one of the reasons I went back to hybrid was appreciating that other people in the house need space and time with me not there! I’m now 2 days in the office 3 from home.

Sorry hit post too soon. I like my home days but I would feel suffocated if the shoe was on the other foot and I never got the house to myself! My family aren’t particularly noisy, but I appreciate they do still have to keep it down when I’m on the phone to clients etc. I get that might be annoying but also they do need to suck it up to an extent as I pay most of the bills!

Really depends on a few factors;

• your dhs personality
• your home/home office set up
• your dhs job/work calendar

Personally I love dh working from home. He works for himself, so he decides his calendar and nobody tracks his calls or movements. We have 2 doors and a corridor separating the office and rhe rest of the house so noise isn't an issue and the kids have no reason to go bother him/see him. We normally get some time in together (dog walk, lunch etc) and he has no commute home so can pick kids up from clubs, cook dinner and generally be a partner for the whole evening not just 7 or 8pm onwards..
I totally get you though, sounds like you have to juggle everything and try and be quiet/supportive of dh whilst explaining to the kids they can't see daddy who is clearly in the house. I think we are lucky, we get coffee dates, he can take breaks and put on the washing, answer the door, do a school or activity run, make a lunch, make me a coffee, hang out with us and be genuinely present from 6pm onwards when his calls tend to finish. The downside is he will often dip into work at weekends or evenings, especially if clients are US based as their working days are longer, but I prefer the level of flexibility generally....

I said you are not being unreasonable because I get it but I think you should stop worrying about it. If he can work in a room with the door closed then proceed as normal as if he wasn't there. If anything disturbs his work I'm sure he will let you know. Otherwise your are creating a problem that isn't there.

Oh I totally get this, its so nice to come home and have the house to myself even for an hour which I only get 1 day a week. DH works at the kitchen table as we have nowhere else for him to work. He does all of the housework and plans/buys most of the meals and strips washes and remakes the bed too so I do feel bad for feeling like this, its just a lightening feeling when I pull up and his car isn't in the drive and I get a bit of time to myself!

Has he said why? Is he thinking of working the whole day from home or does he do the sort of job where he can break for a few hours do something with you and then work again in the evening? It sounds as annoying from his perspective as it is from yours, is his office shut or doesn't have air con?

Mine WFH all the time and I am hybrid. I tend to purposely take more time off in the holidays as my jobs is flexible in many ways but not quite as autonomous. I find it mostly annoying in the sense I don't feel like I can invite people round as freely. But it has plenty of plus points, like he's almost always about to do any school runs that I can't, same with any evening activities, cooks quite a lot of meals and if I want to pop out anywhere or do an office day he's there (albeit not totally present). Mine are a little older (8 and a teen)

I don't think it says anything bad about your relationship, some people are attached at the hip and some like to have their individual things and connect at more specific points.

Very much depends on your family dynamic, I guess. DH WFH 3 days a week, and I WFH every day (except the rare day or two a month) and do school hours. It took a bit of getting used to the post-3.30 time for him and DD, but works well for us now.

However, DD knows not to interrupt him and she also knows not to go near his office (which is on a part of the house that is tucked away). She and I are both off next week, and he will likely be around- but I think he finds our needy dog more of an issue than DD! (I certainly do if he is off with DD and I'm not!)

Is it not so he can see you all? He’s probably feeling a bit sad that you’re all on holiday and he won’t get to hang out with you?

Well he clearly does have a choice...so 🤷‍♂️

YANBU, but I think circumstances have a lot to do with it.

Current 4 bed detached, DH secretes himself away in a warm, sunny, furthest away corner of the house and we don't worry about making noise other than not running the vacuum on the landing. In our previous house, or if DH were less good at shutting himself away, it would be much harder. I like him WFH, he's more helpful in the evening because he is here and hasn't had to spend 2 hours driving on top of his work.

Well hopefully we will have nicer weather next week if your in the uk. Take them out to the park don’t sit moping around the house.

I totally get it, Op. It's just the presence in the house. It reminds me of a time last year when I was packing for a holiday. My dad said he'd come round and take my dd for a walk so I could get on with it. My mum ended up showing up too but didn't want to go on the walk and said she'd just watch a bit of TV while I packed and dd + dad were out. It totally threw me. She didn't expect me to chat but I just felt stressed knowing she was in the house and was so much less productive as a result. I think I was just so looking forward to having the house to myself and time to think things through but her being there somehow changed my headspace.

A friend of mine works from home - but has now rented local office space which his employers are happy to pay for. (They are across the country, his rented space is 10 mins away.) He does a bit of both, office, home and occasional visits to hd office.

Even more important now that they have decided to home educate.

Could your DH do this? What about a home office in the garden? Or in the loft?

Definitely not just you... I hate it when my husband wfh... I suddenly become aware of what I am doing with my day and feel the need to cater for him and factor him into my comings and goings. I think it's a 'me' problem not his, but yes I hate it too and I don't really know why.

You wouldn't 'love having your husband at home) if he was there 24/7. If you say you would, I can only surmise that you are young and have been married less than 15 years. Wait til you're in your 50s or older, and you can't get him to leave the house, or do ANYthing without you!

I wonder if it might be worth having a discussion with your husband? You can own that this is just how you feel and might not be the same for everyone. You could do a "shit sandwich", so start and end with things you like about him WFH sometimes. Childcare is still work and having an audience (even if non-critical) is a bit like you going into his office, sitting silently in the corner. If he did more days in the office this week could he have more WFH at other times?

There are a LOT of women who hate their husband being at home most of the time, and working from home.

You do have to ask why. It can't possibly be that all these women 'don't like him very much........'

my partner works from home and I HATE it! We have managed to negotiate him working out the house one day a week

I seems like its all in your head, esepcially as he's not complained. Stop worrying about what he's thinking, if he has a problem with the noise he can go to the office. As you saying you feel more relaxed and happy when he's in the office, that's a worrying comment.

My dh works from home 4 days a week (I don’t work).

He goes to the office on a Thursday. That’s my favourite day of the week. Dh and ds at work, the younger ones at school.

I am alone with the dog and it’s heaven.

Sometimes he goes in twice a week and it’s joyous.

Mines mostly a cunt.

I totally understand how you feel.

All I can suggest is to talk to him. Say you find it odd he has chosen to do this when the kids are off, but that you need to be able to live as you would if he were in the office.

How you feel about it is down to you, not him. You could tell him though. If my DH said that to me, I’d be back in the office.

I've noticed that he is, but why would you expect him to? I can't remember DH taking many days during half terms.

I like it when my DH works from home as he has more flexibility than me so I can book some trades in etc. However he doesn’t have expectations for us to be quiet though