‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

[birdsinginthemorning]

That’s what a good friend just messaged to me.

I am (only semi seriously) wondering if I am in the wrong relationship.

DH has announced he’s working from home most of next week, only going into the office on Wednesday.

I am a teacher so I’m off next week for half term. I am now dreading it 😩

It’s really hard to put my finger on what it is. I hate having to be conscious of noise. I don’t even think we’re all that noisy but it’s that awareness. I also kind of feel watched, even though I know I’m not, it’s that feeling.

The children are only young so while they do sort of understand ‘daddy’s working’ it’s still hard for them to really get it.

We do have a lot planned and we’re out for the whole days Mondays & Fridays as they are his ‘usual’ wfh days. But the rest of the week we’re out for the morning and I don’t really want to have them on a carousel of activities all week.

Is it just me?

And it makes no difference where in the house he is, whether he wears noise cancelling headphones or not, it really is just that I don’t like him working from home. I can sort of tolerate it a couple of times a week but I genuinely think I would be quite depressed if it was every day.

Id be annoyed by that. Yes its his house too, to live in, he has an office to work in. I would ask him to please go into the office the days you planned to be at home with the kids over half term, unless he planning to take days off to help out too. Completely unreasonable and selfish to turn your home into an office when you have young kids at home all week.

He’s not complaining about noise. She’s not said he makes it a problem, just that she feels like it’s is

I don’t know. I don’t know how much of it is just different people and maybe how long you’ve been together comes into it. I’ve certainly never felt uncomfortable or awkward in DHs company but there is something just so lovely and luxurious about being able to put absolute shite on the TV and know no one will question it, read a book without hearing one sided conversations, be able to hoover, have the radio on, and sometimes just be ALONE!

Obviously most of the above isn’t really possible or practical with little children anyway but I just feel things are that bit more uncomfortable for me. I wish I could explain it better and I can’t, it just feels a bit suffocating at times.

He isn’t complaining about noise, this isn’t what my post is about at all.

I hate DH working from home. Which is hypocritical, as I run my own buisness from home.

But he has meetings, a liking for heavy metal, and just spreads all over the living room.

And then when teens get home at 3pm, yhey cant chill out downstairs.

As long as he doesn't complain about the noise. His fault for choosing to WFH when his family are on holiday.

Or.... Maybe he has a quiet schedule next week, and that's why he's not going into the office?

@birdsinginthemorning is it not just the difference between expectations and reality. You're a teacher, you've longed for the (relative) peace of half term and had your routine including down time planned out.

Now DH has decided he wants to work from home, it's disrupted that and you feel you have to shift your norms in accordance with things that will suit him, and it's likely to result in more work (eg kids questioning).

I was fuming when my DHs office closed in August last year. I like the break from him. Can you not ask him to go in? Point out Aircon maybe 🤣 or that you will be in the garden etc.

I wonder if part of it for you is that you're a teacher so you aren't often in the house on your own. I think I would find that very hard.

I don't mind if DH is WFH some days when I am off with the kids - but sometimes I am the one WFH while he is looking after the kids and in term time, I get the house to myself WFH a day or two a week as well

I do get that, when I’m alone at home it is kind of refreshing as it so rarely happens. It’s a shame you find it so suffocating. Could you ask him to go in to the office on one of the other days and say you have some loud activities planned and don’t want to have to be mindful of noise?

I get it and there’s only the 2 of us. I wfh on a Thursday because he wfh on a Friday. In Covid it worked as he was upstairs in an office space, but he now prefers to work downstairs in the kitchen. I’m planning to drop a day a week next year leading up to retirement and would ideally like it to be Friday, but I know I’ll feel ‘policed’ as to what I’m up to, given ‘jobs’ … when I might want to fuck about and watch homes under the hammer or whatever.

And he’ll say it’s fine I'm in the kitchen while he’s working but it’s not relaxing for me! Anyway it’s making me rethink my dropping to 4 days plan….

I hate DH working from home - fortunately it doesn’t happen much. And I am a massive hypocrite because I work from home 3/5 days.

Totally relate to feelings of being scrutinised even though he absolutely doesn’t

perhaps he is not planning to work very hard, perhaps he plans long lunches?

DH wfh next week too as he doesn’t have enough holiday left for time off.

I like it tbh, we eat lunch together if we are about and do something in the morning before work.

Alternatively, if you love the person you are married to and are in a functional marriage, you try to be conscious of the noise without letting it ruin the day. And the person WFH accepts that there will be some noise.

It must be exhausting to live life in such an aggressive and antagonistic way.

but I know I’ll feel ‘policed’ as to what I’m up to, given ‘jobs’ … when I might want to fuck about and watch homes under the hammer or whatever.

Why though?

Im p/t and have spend many a day binge watching on the sofa whilst DH is working next door and then makes me lunch!

Do you get on generally? I love DH working from home tbh

It’ll probably be easier than you fear.

We both wfh and have the younger one at home full time, the kids know that DH is working from a room upstairs and are used to him popping down for a drink or for lunch but leave him to it the rest of the time, it’s theirs and our normal. It’ll be nice for him and your DC to have extra time together at lunch or whatever, it’s not a bad thing that they’re taught he’s busy working outside of that. He’s not stressing about noise or complaining, just travel hopefully and try and find the positives.

Does he kick up a stink if you all make noise? That would make anyone on edge.

My husband wfh and I'm off with my two yr old til he's in nursery as it was less money for me to freelance and looknafter him than work full time and send him to nursery, so we're home every day (out every day mornings but home in afternoon) and make a ton of noise but my husband never says anything. He has to.work from home, there is no off.

Your husband choosing to wfh is his choice, its s home fkrst and when kids are home noise is a part of it.

If your husband is expecting any alterations to normal family life so he can wfh then it's unreasonable and especially during the school holidays.

Hmmm
I think this depends on if your DH is annoyed or irritable if the kids make noise. My DH worked from home a lot when our kids were small. Our home was first and foremost a home and he never made me feel bad for noise (sometimes a lot of noise!). If he needed to work very quietly either he put on noise cancelling headphones or met someone out of the house/zoomed from elsewhere.
The good of working from home like coming and having lunch (he often made it for all of us) and finishing earlier etc was a big plus.

I don’t know. I don’t know how much of it is just different people and maybe how long you’ve been together comes into it. I’ve certainly never felt uncomfortable or awkward in DHs company but there is something just so lovely and luxurious about being able to put absolute shite on the TV and know no one will question it,

Would he actually question it though? Would you question if it was the other way round? I think that’s a bit odd tbh.

My husband works from home ft , if he’s on a call we just shut his door and he uses headphones , it really isn’t a problem

You sound like you are being critical just for the sake of it!

Hmmm @birdsinginthemorning i am
wondering if it’s maybe worth you reflecting a little on the person you are when you are with DH and the person you are when he isn’t there. Is there a pressure (from you or from him or from anywhere) to be slightly different, like you have a bit of a “wife act” that you keep up when he’s around but relax out of when he’s not and this is why it’s difficult for you when he WFH. Or maybe even if it isn’t a mask as such is there something in the role of wife that is sapping you? Like when mums are just touched out and exhausted and they can’t “switch off” unless the kids are physically not there as they’re kind of in mum
mode 24/7?
It is worth taking some time to perhaps think of yourself and who are are, who people
would describe you to be (is this who you are or who you want them to think you are? And why?) and then who you are when your husband is around, as not being able to be your authentic self with your spouse is problematic and needs looked at I’d say. Food for thought for sure.

If the WFH person has a separate room in a big house, its not disruptive.

But when they are working in the only communal living area, it is restrictive.

No, it is not just you. Working from home is not normal. And neither it is working. Real jobs don't work from home - like a teacher, a bus driver, a doctor, a dinner lady, a fireman, a hairdresser. No, it is not just you.