‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

[birdsinginthemorning]

That’s what a good friend just messaged to me.

I am (only semi seriously) wondering if I am in the wrong relationship.

DH has announced he’s working from home most of next week, only going into the office on Wednesday.

I am a teacher so I’m off next week for half term. I am now dreading it 😩

It’s really hard to put my finger on what it is. I hate having to be conscious of noise. I don’t even think we’re all that noisy but it’s that awareness. I also kind of feel watched, even though I know I’m not, it’s that feeling.

The children are only young so while they do sort of understand ‘daddy’s working’ it’s still hard for them to really get it.

We do have a lot planned and we’re out for the whole days Mondays & Fridays as they are his ‘usual’ wfh days. But the rest of the week we’re out for the morning and I don’t really want to have them on a carousel of activities all week.

Is it just me?

And it makes no difference where in the house he is, whether he wears noise cancelling headphones or not, it really is just that I don’t like him working from home. I can sort of tolerate it a couple of times a week but I genuinely think I would be quite depressed if it was every day.

Oh come on really?

You have peers who are disrupting your job constantly, making it harder by their presence and regularly asking you why you are doing and what you are doing when they have no role in your job?

The OP has said her DH wanders through getting coffee, asks what they are watching/doing etc. That doesn’t need to be aggressive to be a distraction and intrusive and wind up the children.

You are not acknowledging that she is doing a job as well. That is a common problem on MN - parents at home with children are doing an actual job which deserves the same respect as paid jobs (which she also has).

I get why you are so keen to deny its a problem when you do it yourself. The reality shown repeatedly on this thread is that the parent with small children generally finds life more difficult with a 'semi there' parent in the house.

I get this OP though my husband has an office (garden shed) at the bottom of the garden which I highly recommend. We are so lucky he works from home because I'm a teacher too and I have no flexibility to do school runs, pick ups. He also looks after the kids when they are sick (they are a primary aged now) as he can still work around them or manage a half day. The summer is annoying though. I feel judged if they are watching TV, I'm on the sofa scrolling etc. It's a long summer to fill and you will know as a teacher we also need to recuperate in-between playdates, park trips, picnics etc.

I think the folk making it about sex are all the ones saying “men are just loud” “as a mum”… and suggesting this partner is some tone deaf person wandering around interrupting them and telling everyone to be quiet. He’s apparently not but OP is just feeling less relaxed when he is at home….prob best for him and his sore leg that he goes into the office so that she feels better. Who cares why he’s there or how nice he’s being…

@HelicoPie he isn’t insisting on noise but even things like him going to the toilet can be a problem if timed badly. As @C8H10N4O2 has said, it’s two jobs; sometimes they clash.

i take it you dont work in an office. 100% people interrupt you all the time. With questions, chat, their calls. I think that’s a pretty common experience. Unless your comment is a joke? It was funny either way.

If the worst thing he does when working from home is go for a pee im not convinced he’s the problem here…

It’s pointless engaging when posters are like this but I’m actually going to try.

9am; DH goes to the little office (in the house) to work. Both children try to go in after him. I distract the eldest with ‘daddy’s working’ and the younger one is still trying to get in. I remove her and she has a tantrum. While she’s crying and shouting ‘daddy, daddy, daddy’ DS is talking at me about some long involved story I can’t follow and isn’t hearing me asking begging him to tell me when I’ve calmed DD down.

After ten minutes all is calm and I’m trying to get ready to go out. I can hear is DH talking to someone on teams which adds to child noise and toy noise.

930; we go out. We’re out until around 12 when we come back. I put the TV on while I make some lunch. All is fine until DH comes wandering out. Both children are arguing over who gets to sit with him. No one will sit at the table. OK. Lunch is eaten (sort of) and DH then comes in munching crisps (we are five years into parenting and I still can’t impress upon DH to eat unhealthy snacks alone!) both children want crisps; OK. Then DH goes back to work. This morning is repeated. And is repeated every fifteen to twenty minutes all afternoon. I can hear him, he’s in and out. With the best will in the world I know he’s there and I’m pretty sure he knows I’m there too. At varying times both children try to get in his office. Of course I stop them but that takes time and energy and sometimes I’ve had to charge off the toilet or stop talking / playing with one child to grab the other.

The alternative is of course to go out but that means next week will be full days out for six out of seven days (as we are away at the weekend) and I do think that’s a lot for them. It’s also not cheap.

So hopefully that helps a bit. It isn’t the going to the toilet, that’s being purposefully provocative. I’m sure it doesn’t take much imagination to work out there are times going to the toilet or to get a drink would be disruptive. This is one of them tbh.

Ok - sounds like a tough situation. When I work from home - here’s how it goes. Kids ages 3 and 7.

morning, I get up early do breakfast with the kids, get them dressed and easy for the day. Pack the bag.

9am, husband comes down. I go to my office and shut the door. Kids don’t knock the door as it has just always been off limits. I’m on lots of calls. They do their thing. Go out to the shops or park normally.

lunchtime, if we are all in at the same time, might have lunch together, might not. Kids give me a hug when they see me. But that’s about it. I go back to work.

they get on with their afternoon.

i am around for dinner time as i don’t need to commute. Hubby does his own thing from 5.

no chaos when I pee or get a coffee - in the same way that at the weekend there is no chaos.

so, appreciate that you have some chaos. But…not sure that’s to be assumed or is connected to WFH. You are sensitive to kid noise and phone noise. Again, fine but not sure hubby on the hook for that.

what does confuse me is your lack of seeing things from his side.

if I were him I’d be like:

ok - I’m off on bank holiday Monday but instead of us doing something together my family have booked a day out without me and forgotten I was off…if you want a day to yourself you had a chance but didn’t think.

and instead of saying in advance “should you mind working from the office on tue and thu too as it’s easier for the kids” you are acting like he is being unreasonable for not guessing that and changing his plans because you don’t like the idea of him being in the house.

what does he think? Why is he at home? What is his work like at home v office? How sore is his leg? Talk to him.

Also - when I was a kid my dad always worked from home…this situation you describe was never a thing then. Simple rule that kids just don’t go into the office…it’s genuinely not a hard rule. Does the same happen after school on Mondays and Fridays? I think it’s a good opportunity for you to work on adapting to different environments, and for the kids to learn a rule. All good life skills and without them suspect a lot of things will feel harder than they need to.

If you remember the house rules and obeying them when you were the same age as my youngest then you are a marvel and so cannot be compared to the rest of us simpletons.

This basically. He can WFH but can’t expect you to be silent all week during half term. If he can’t deal with the noise, he’ll have to go into the office.

I remember us having to work really hard during Covid to set these rules when my eldest was younger. It was hard but worth it. The ideal is surely that he can work from home and it’s not like this. Right now that’s really hard, but I think can be worth it.

there is so much these days that is more geared towards kids than it was even in the 80s/90s let alone earlier. I think those rules give you freedom/options and help everything work better when you have lots of folk living in one house together.

maybe speak to hubby about how to work together this week to make kids follow the rules when he is home. Can he do some of the disciplining re not coming in the office for example and not leaving it to you?

making this work in half term may prove very helpful come summer holidays.

So are they toddlers, but not at nursery next week? Presumably, they aren't out of nursery the whole summer holidays. I probably wouldn't keep them off for the whole of the week, just for the days out over half term

One is school age so off. The other attends nursery Monday & Wednesday & Friday. Monday is obviously closed for bank holiday. Wednesday DH is in the office anyway and I am taking the older child out for the day Friday.

I get it and I don't.

You and the kids are in holiday mode want to let loose and have freedom from structure. DH is in work mode and you will be conscious of two opposing 'vibes' existing in one house. You'll subconsciously diall down in consideration of him working which could put the brakes on the fun.

On the other hand hes chosen to do so knowing the kids will be there. On the first day of the hols, make as much noise as you would if he wasn't there and he then has the choice to go to the office for the rest of the week if he wants.

However, just because you think WFH is depressing doesn't mean he should, thats his preference.

Stop stopping them from bothering him. Make that his problem to solve. He’s home, they’re home, what’s he going to do about it?

So you're out Monday and Friday. He's in the office Wednesday. That leaves Tuesday and Thursday. You're out in the mornings so that leaves all of you at home only Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. Hardly a major inconvenience. Talk making a molehill into a mountain. What an over reaction.

Same as you, I hate it! We teachers are up and out early every day while DH has a cushier day wfh. So, during the holidays with DC it's annoying feeling the need to go out all the time, be quiet when on calls, just general being there commenting and breathing! Lol 😆 I'm joking but it does put a dampener on freedom at home and as you say a feeling of being watched.

This is it, for those of us to who go to a workplace, home is home.

I agree as he gets to have the house to himself wfh while his wife is at work in a stressful job, so would be nice for her to have some time at home without him there.

I think i have this feeling but more extremely than you. I am also a teacher and it irritates the fucking daylights out of me if my OH cheerfully announces he's taken the school holiday as annual leave. So that's my break to decompress ruined. Fills fridge with beer and says let's have a bbq. Nooooo! F off and leave me in peace, I've earned the break, the noise can stop, my mind can relax, I might even read a book, get my nails done, whatever. But for the love of God, bugger off to work! It's not as if I can swap the week for a different one. We have to take half term exactly when it is so it can feel like he blundered in and stole it. When kids were younger it would annoy me that he could have taken a different week so I didn't have to do the school run as well as trying to get to my own school in time. Now that would have been useful! I didn't need any help in the holiday ffs.

I love that my partner works from home, I’m on maternity leave at the moment with my two year old and 10 month old so we’re all in the house everyday. I’m usually out with the children but when we’re at home they know daddy’s working upstairs so they’re downstairs or in the garden with me. My partner comes down during his lunch and we eat lunch together and go for a walk, and if the children are napping he and I will have a coffee together. The intermittent adult interaction is nice during lunchtime and during his working hours it’s like he’s not here because we keep the space very separate so it works well for us.