‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

[birdsinginthemorning]

That’s what a good friend just messaged to me.

I am (only semi seriously) wondering if I am in the wrong relationship.

DH has announced he’s working from home most of next week, only going into the office on Wednesday.

I am a teacher so I’m off next week for half term. I am now dreading it 😩

It’s really hard to put my finger on what it is. I hate having to be conscious of noise. I don’t even think we’re all that noisy but it’s that awareness. I also kind of feel watched, even though I know I’m not, it’s that feeling.

The children are only young so while they do sort of understand ‘daddy’s working’ it’s still hard for them to really get it.

We do have a lot planned and we’re out for the whole days Mondays & Fridays as they are his ‘usual’ wfh days. But the rest of the week we’re out for the morning and I don’t really want to have them on a carousel of activities all week.

Is it just me?

And it makes no difference where in the house he is, whether he wears noise cancelling headphones or not, it really is just that I don’t like him working from home. I can sort of tolerate it a couple of times a week but I genuinely think I would be quite depressed if it was every day.

Well that’s a shame! He wouldn’t change his plans just ‘for you’?!

In that case all you can do is try your best to shift your mindset about the week. Be determinedly AT HOME WITH THE KIDS and ignore any of his needs to wfh. Make noise, put the TV on loud and sing along to music.
Make lunch just for you and the kids, and carry on as though he is simply not there.
He may decide himself he’d be better off in the office.

The o.p has already said he doesn't complain.....

I completely get it. My DS works from home three days a week. He’s described it as more like living at work. The whole family are impacted by him being there.

He’s now moved into an office in the garden and it’s so much better for everyone.

So many people not reading o.p's comments and instinctively going after the husband

Partly! He started home working during COVID and has never gone back. The flexibility is wonderful in many ways. He's there for breakfast and pops his head out after school to get all the goss from the kids day, never misses dinner. The kids have a lot of time with both of us that they'd miss if we were commuting and out of the house for more hours. There are lots of positives.

I personally found it tough in the v early days when I was on mat leave. I chose to EBF and sometimes that meant it was way easier for DH to settle the baby as he didn't smell of milk. Knowing he was just in the next room when I was finding things really difficult and he could do it in far less time took a lot of self restraint not to call on him. I've heard similar stories in reverse when the primary caregiver is present but the secondary parent is taking the lead that day and struggling. You know that the other person could do it quicker/more easily and they're right there!!! It made it more of a mental mountain as you knew assistance was only metres away but it was the right thing to do not to call for it, whereas if he'd been out of the house I'd have had to get on with it.

DH gets fomo when everyone sounds like they're having fun, and wants to help when it sounds like chaos. Both of which are positive things really, but sometimes the aftermath of him intervening for a few minutes can be that it takes longer to reset back into the rhythm of him not being around. So can relate to the OP in that way.

I think it must be difficult if you do feel a sense of obligation in some way to be productive or don’t feel able to be yourself or do what you want to do. It’s not something I’ve had to deal with, I do whatever I would if he weren’t here working and vice versa, neither of us have any qualms about watching TV or having a bath or doing something fun with kids while the other is working. It’s genuinely not really something I’ve ever thought about. But every relationship is different.

I am!

WFH has many plus points but not usually for the rest of the family who find their home turned into a unfunded office. yes I agree although some partners seem to love it.

My husband can't WFH but i look forward all week to his 3 days off. Love having my husband around at home.

My DH used to work shifts and I hated having to keep the kids quiet while he slept, it was like I had to have eyes on them all the time time and was constantly telling them to shush. It’s hard work when you should be relaxing.

This is a good way to describe it.

During the day it becomes his work not our home as a primary function.

In the evening or on weekends when he isn't working, it's not the same.

Unfortunately there isn't an option for us to shove DH in a shed, as much as that's a very tempting thought.

I wish DH worked outside of the home more! And I don't have children to worry about. But one of the rooms in our 3 bed terrace has become his office and he's in there 8am to 6.30pm on work days. I don't think it's good for him to be sat at his desk all the time (he's considerably overweight). I LOVE it when he's out for the day or even better for a few days with overnights .

I absolutely love having my husband around, but I do think little kids changes the dynamic when he’s WFH. As much as possible, he only WFH when toddler is at nursery so it’s just us and baby and we can actually enjoy the extra three hours saved by not commuting and having lunch together. Otherwise him being around just makes parenting harder for me as toddler tries to hang out on his zoom calls.

If you can’t relax with your husband in the house,
I would try to work out if it’s about your husband specifically, or you think that would be true with anyone.

@LindorDoubleChoc dh is away quite a lot and people say ooh that must be so hard - it’s harder having him home. Away it’s clear cut but when he’s here but not here things become very blurred.

I totally get it OP. This is your break from the noisy busy ever reactive arena of school, where you will still be ‘on’ entertaining your children and now there’s a potential audience. Teaching is hard. My children are adults and it’s only now I relax/enjoy the Easter holidays. When they were younger my ex wouldn’t go on holiday (self employed) so there was no ‘break’ for me and the terms before are so tough going. Could your husband do the kids lunches and you skip out for 45 minutes of silence? X

@Thegoldenoriole it isn’t that I can’t relax with him in the house although I do sometimes like having the house to myself. It’s more that I can’t relax when he’s working in the house. It’s two different things.

my then two year old son was an absolute nightmare when DH worked from home . He’s nearly six now and a bit more reasonable (a bit!)

The more of your posts I read the more I think you should think a bit more about whether you are happy with him.

It's not a good sign that you feel it to be pointless to say how you feel as obviously he wouldn't change anything.

It's also not a good sign that you are happier when he is working away.

I love my husband working from home. I too WFH. Our children are older now but I would have literally given my arm to have him at home when they were little. He has always had over an hour commute to & from the office (which is so expensive). & obviously takes up so much time!

I love his company & have never ever felt like having his presence around has been a bad thing. Quite the opposite actually- I find it comforting.

i hope next week goes well, you may find you actually really enjoy it 😊

Same here. I love alone time and downtime but my partner and I both WFH in a one bed flat! It’s fine, I like having him there to chat to throughout the day. If I want some quiet alone time either he or I will go into the bedroom. It’s fine. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone whose presence made me feel like that and I’d be annoyed if he felt like this about me. We don’t have an office, we’re freelancers.

And for us, him (and me) WFH is great because during breaks we can stick laundry on, do some cleaning, he can watch DC if I have a quick appointment or need to pop out or vice versa. It offers us so much flexibility and extra time together. We have evenings all to spend together doing enjoyable stuff because between us we can get everything that needs to be done during the day.

If you have a husband who doesn’t really do any of the house/life admin or who creates more work by being home then I get it, or if you don’t have a proper office setup or a husband who demands silence or unreasonable accommodation or a husband where you feel you need to be ‘on’ all the time or proving something.

But personally I love having DH around and I hope he says the same about me, I think we are very lucky with the setup we have and I think the kids get a tremendous amount from it too. WFH has made this little kid portion of life so much easier and enjoyable. But every family and relationship is different.

Honestly, it sounds as though you don’t like him very much? Is that so?
In which case, you’re right, this is a bigger problem than half term house sharing, and more about your whole relationship.

There have been many studies showing that single women are happier and many threads on here about women finding daily life easier when their DH goes away

Does he actually complain about you doing any of these things though or is this you self-policing? I’ve never felt that I can’t watch crap, read, have the radio on, hoover, have some alone time in the bedroom (I literally mean being alone, not a euphemism!) or generally do whatever I want when my partner is there. Likewise he will sit and play guitar, that’s the only thing I have to tell him not to do if I have a work call coming up.

I completely understand. It’s just having to be aware of him when you just want to get on with what you’d usually do - whether that is making a mess/ noise etc. Just wait till he retires if he goes before you 😂

This is mad. I do all of this stuff while my partner is home. If he has work on and I don’t (like I said, we’re freelance) I’ll happily stay in bed til lunchtime while he works and vice versa. I have never felt in the least bit guilty. This is entirely a you problem!

I seperated from my ex husband over a decade ago but Covid/shift to working from home would have done for us anyway, no doubt about that. Although he was/is perhaps a fairly irritating person, it was as much that I am someone who needs space and time to myself completely (not including the children fully in that, for some reason it's different with them, maybe because I could control them more 🤣). Arguably, I should never really have even attempted the whole nuclear family thing. I'm not saying this is you OP but the whole 'I love my husband being around and we get to have lunch together' 😀 thing makes me feel like something is pressing down on my chest. If this is you, then I think it's hard to deny your basic nature.