‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

[birdsinginthemorning]

That’s what a good friend just messaged to me.

I am (only semi seriously) wondering if I am in the wrong relationship.

DH has announced he’s working from home most of next week, only going into the office on Wednesday.

I am a teacher so I’m off next week for half term. I am now dreading it 😩

It’s really hard to put my finger on what it is. I hate having to be conscious of noise. I don’t even think we’re all that noisy but it’s that awareness. I also kind of feel watched, even though I know I’m not, it’s that feeling.

The children are only young so while they do sort of understand ‘daddy’s working’ it’s still hard for them to really get it.

We do have a lot planned and we’re out for the whole days Mondays & Fridays as they are his ‘usual’ wfh days. But the rest of the week we’re out for the morning and I don’t really want to have them on a carousel of activities all week.

Is it just me?

And it makes no difference where in the house he is, whether he wears noise cancelling headphones or not, it really is just that I don’t like him working from home. I can sort of tolerate it a couple of times a week but I genuinely think I would be quite depressed if it was every day.

As a mum who WFH 3 days a week I totally get you. If my husband has time off, with or without the kids, I try to spend more time at the office and tbh I prefer it then working while he is home, especially if it's the school holidays!

I also do an exercise class one evening a week and I don't come home between work and the class as it disrupts the kids.

Dh technically works from home 4 out of 5 days. He’s self employed and only goes onto the job site once a week to check the employees haven’t burned it down. 😂

We do not tiptoe around him. You choose to work from the kitchen table, you have people eating lunch around you. It’s a bit different because when I used to wfh, it’s because I had no other option. But if you choose to be at home, you have to deal with normal family noise, especially during the holidays. It’s an odd choice. Seems intentionally difficult.

I agree. I work hard when I’m working. When I’m not working the fact that DH still is doesn’t make me feel guilty or tiptoe round the house.

Its like the feeling of if he goes away for the night and you can just dump the plates on the table until the morning knowing it doesn't affect anyone else and watch whatever you like without having to ask what he'd like and find a happy compromise - but on steroids. It's that kind of freedom. He hasn't asked or expected those things normally but it's basic none selfishness.

I genuinely don’t understand this. Why would you not dump the plates if he was there?
If we want to watch different things we watch separately

But why can’t you relax? You are on holiday. He’s not complaining about noise.

Your preference for him being away because it makes things clear is also odd. Are you actually happy

Do people really act very differently & hide their true self’s around their partners? I presumed it was only serial killers who did that not people worried about TV choices!

This.

I hate it when DH gets up in the morning and declares “I think I’ll work from home today”.

I 100% wfh and feel like he is invading my space and peace when he’s here. He irritates me just coming down to the kitchen to make himself a coffee! I can’t really explain why, I love him and love spending time with him in the evenings and on weekends, but during the working week I just want him where he belongs in his office in town and leave the house to me and the dog!

It’s even worse when the teens are off school and I have a houseful of my family whilst I’m trying to work!

Where are you trying to work? If it’s the kitchen table then it’s not sustainable.

Where is your DH working when wfh.

Yes, and he's trying to work, to earn money for the family! It would be very mean, and petty, to deliberately make it hard for him.

I have an office on the ground floor of our house. He has on office on the 1st floor. But it doesn’t matter where I work, like OP, I can just feel his presence and I don’t like it.

I know it’s weird so I never say anything, also it’s his house too! I just love having the house to myself and dog Monday to Friday 9-5.

Nope yanbu i hate it when someone is working i feel judged if I have downtime even though no one says anything and I just feel like I cant fully relax.

But on the flip side I like wfh when thr kids are around so I can be part of things in breaks which is contradictory I know 🤣

I don't really get this at all.
I like it when DH works from home as we can get more stuff done, start dinner earlier, get kids to clubs, put a load of laundry on, receive deliveries.
Don't have to remember keys if I go out 😂

I don't do anything differently when he's home and still hoover or put music/TV on. Life goes on as normal.

Totally get it. Same reason I tidy/sort out things much better when he's not here. Sometimes too it's ok not to want to spend every moment with them!

Hope you manage to find a couple of things to do out the house with the kids on the days you've nothing planned!

Is he though?

some people don’t have a choice about where they work.

there are some really mean comments on here. How dare he work in his own home. 🙄

have you ever told him you find it annoying?

I can’t get my head round what you’re describing tbh. Why would lines be blurred because the man you chose to have children with, is at home.
Do you not like him? Are you afraid of him?
You might need to sit down and reflect on some things. It’s meant to be brilliant weather. Not the time to be stuck at home anyway.

My OH has worked fully remote for nearly 3 years. He has never once complained about us making noise, at the start I used to be conscious about the kids making noise but that passed pretty fast. If he’s in a position that he’s ok to be disturbed, he leaves the door open, during that time the kids know they can say a quick hello, ask for help with homework or show him something cool. When the door is closed it’s do not disturb. It works quite well. You should be able to relax at home, you shouldn’t have to get the kids out just because he’s working. If he can’t tolerate it then he needs to go to the office. It’s as simple as that.

@birdsinginthemorning I completely relate to this. I’m also a teacher off with the kids in the holidays. DH wfh 2 days a week and I find it stressful and feel constantly monitored.
I have gone deep with this and realised that I feel judged when he’s around. It’s really not him - he asks innocent questions and is interested in my day.
In my case - it’s a feeling from childhood of never being good enough and having to work hard to please my mum (and grandparents). I am putting huge pressure on myself to be productive, quiet, considerate.
I try to remind myself that he is not judging me or my choices. I literally sit on the sofa and tell myself out loud ‘you are entitled to rest’ or ‘you deserve to sit and have a cuppa’ or ‘you do not exist just to please others.’
Can you identify where this anxiety comes from in you?

OP I told my dh to go back to the office after covid as it was fra harder work keeping the kids quiet and busy out of the house than when he was in the office. I told him straight it was mkre work than anything so please go back to the office. He went and now rhey are older will WTF when they are sick or in school. Thats fine but it was just much more work when rhey were young. Tell him id he is WTF that's fine bur its the kids home so he needs to expect a lot of noise and chaos around him

This is completely hypocritical given you WFH. What if he said “I’m working from home today so you need to go somewhere else”. You wouldn’t like that, would you!

Oh I only like me WFH’ing. The house is mine. I just let other family members stay here.

My husband used to work from home and I felt similar. He would say to pretend he wasn't there if we needed something but when it came to making noise then all of a sudden that sentiment went out the window! 🫣

I love my husband but when he works from home which is rare I absolutely hate it. The kids aren’t a fan either 😂 Not sure why either it just annoys me 🤣

I get it OP. I think it's part of my makeup. I'm not a complete introvert but I do find time alone refreshes me. I also hate being asked questions about what I'm doing (especially when it's obvious) and feel guilty when I am relaxing when someone is working.
My dad worked nights when I was a child and I hated it and swore I would never marry a shiftworker. It was a nightmare for my mum keeping 4 children quiet while he slept.