‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

[birdsinginthemorning]

That’s what a good friend just messaged to me.

I am (only semi seriously) wondering if I am in the wrong relationship.

DH has announced he’s working from home most of next week, only going into the office on Wednesday.

I am a teacher so I’m off next week for half term. I am now dreading it 😩

It’s really hard to put my finger on what it is. I hate having to be conscious of noise. I don’t even think we’re all that noisy but it’s that awareness. I also kind of feel watched, even though I know I’m not, it’s that feeling.

The children are only young so while they do sort of understand ‘daddy’s working’ it’s still hard for them to really get it.

We do have a lot planned and we’re out for the whole days Mondays & Fridays as they are his ‘usual’ wfh days. But the rest of the week we’re out for the morning and I don’t really want to have them on a carousel of activities all week.

Is it just me?

And it makes no difference where in the house he is, whether he wears noise cancelling headphones or not, it really is just that I don’t like him working from home. I can sort of tolerate it a couple of times a week but I genuinely think I would be quite depressed if it was every day.

I think this is partly a "you" problem but also a DH problem.

For example, if he's constantly coming in and out and the kids see him and makes them go daaaaddy, that's inconsiderate of him. I used to WFH a lot when my first DS was 6-18 months and I would not have dreamt to ever do this, I was conscious that the nanny was there and I'd be making her life harder so I timed my exits and lunch breaks carefully. Sometimes she would quietly bring me coffee so I didn't have to go in the kitchen when DS was eating.

But it's also a YOU problem. HE is choosing to wfh and to interfere with your space. Change nothing, do what you usually do, and don't feel weird about it.

It's not just you. If DH ever WFH on a day I have off (rare these days) I hated it. Wed have to be quiet as clients would call and you can't have screaming kids in the background. Or keeping the DC out if the office. I also admit I felt like I couldn't just flop on the couch for a couple of hours of he's working. He never made me feel that way - it's all me - but I felt I couldn't relax & just watch a show for a bit.

People have worked from home for hundreds of years with kids about and it is normal. I don’t know why people fail to learn from history?

My DH often works from home and it doesn’t bother us at all. He goes in the study and keeps the door shut, pops out for lunch and then goes back to work. I have very noisy children and he’s never complained. We all carry on with our day as if he was in the office.

I wfh 4 days a week. If I've not booked leave on half terms I go in at least 3 days of the week because I want the kids to be able to use their home on their holiday.

I don't understand. Do you mean he's going to request total peace and quiet while he works at home (he's taken the wrong week off, if so!) or you're unhappy that YOUR peace and time with the kids is going to be hijacked and he'll be in the way?

(if the latter, I get it. My partner has started working away from home a couple of nights a week, and while I initially hated it, I now love it! He's pretty easygoing but we're always in each other's pockets)

How many days does he normally go into the office? Next week is forecast to be really hot in some places so maybe he doesn’t want to spend hours commuting in 30 C with no colleagues with which to collaborate because they have taken holiday. Can you not turn this round to your advantage, when he finishes work, go out with friends or for a swim, walk etc.?

I find this so strange, I WFH and my husband also WFH 2-3 times per week. I love it because we get to have lunch together and everything feels less rushed.

Offices are hardly silent. You just accept the noise and be glad of the quiet times.
Just carry on as normal - I take it there is zero tolerance with screaming, banging and so on?

I'm with you OP. It was fine when we had a garden office so he was slightly removed from the house, and even now without one it's more manageable as the children are older. But when they were young and he was in the house I felt....monitored?! Idk. He'd come out if there was excessive noise (usually the baby screaming or arguments) and I'd feel a responsibility that we'd disturbed him (something I needed to work on as it was my feelings more than reality). He's not a judgemental type, but there's something kinda irksome about having someone keep popping in saying 'everything okay?', made me feel like I wasn't coping. As I say, really a me, my ego and my confidence thing that I needed to work on rather than a reflection of DH in anyway. He wanted to be helpful. It's hard for the house to be dual purpose in that way.

Or other times he'd come out to get a drink/lunch/go to the loo and his sudden presence would completely disrupt the whole atmosphere of the house and the kids just wouldn't understand why he was there but not there, and why he'd then disappear again.

It's way easier for the house to be the home and keep the office separate when the kids are in it. Different during term times when we're out from 830-430. We have another baby arriving soon and he's planning to book a desk at the office a few days a week.

Why is he lucky in relation to Monday? Is he not spending the day with you all?

Came on to say pretty much the same. He has a choice.
Your children are on holiday in their HOME. No eggshells.

What a truly bizarre viewpoint.

@Owlsintheforest are there kids around though? I enjoy DH being around when we're both WFH, it's nice to have lunch together, take a walk during breaks etc as you say. But it changes either when I am not working and don't really have anything to do (feels weird lying on the sofa reading a book when someone is beavering away next door, I feel like I should be productive) or when the kids are around and wanting to be doing the things kids do with varying levels of volume and emotion! I'm sincerely aware it's my perception rather than anything actively coming from DH, but doesn't stop it being the case.

We both WFH and I think it’s great but we’ve been doing it a long time and have offices on different floors, kids who have grown up understanding that when one of us is working they have to steer clear of the office, all that sort of stuff. Otherwise life continues as normal, we do all the activities we would normally do in the home.

I think sporadic WFH is a different beast as it sort of upends routine and no one is really used to it.

Omg I would loathe it!
Heres my theory why
Some men seem to have this need to dominate spaces and that includes WFH
So they cannot sit and work quietly, the whole household is taken over .

I sat in a small hospital waiting room yesterday, 5 men 4 women
The women sat quietly and still , resting , reading or on their phones
The men constantly huffed and puffed, coughed and cleared their throats, tapped and jiggled

It was really noticable

Just my theory

This.

DH doesn't complain 99% of the time about noise, and when he has it's not been without merit.

It's stuff like not feeling free to put the vacuum on without checking first. Or go for a bath whilst he's at work, because you aren't working and somehow that emphasises that he is and that makes you feel guilty.

It's the freedom of deed without guilt or practical considerations within your own home. You can do what you want without thinking "is this going to be regarded as insensitive and indulgent whilst he's working" or "is this going to disturb him during a meeting". There's also feeling like you have to parent in a particular way so you are "having too much fun without him". Even if he's not remotely arsed.

Its like the feeling of if he goes away for the night and you can just dump the plates on the table until the morning knowing it doesn't affect anyone else and watch whatever you like without having to ask what he'd like and find a happy compromise - but on steroids. It's that kind of freedom. He hasn't asked or expected those things normally but it's basic none selfishness.

Im going to ask you honestly, is it just him working or are you relieved when he is out of the house in general?

Thats ok by the way and you dont have to answer me, just answer yourself.

Sometimes there is a slow gradual realisation and not a big penny drop moment of ‘my body is tense and stressed around this man’

I actually get this. Also a teacher. No little kids though. It somehow rankles me that when I have my holidays my husband also decides to WFH. It's like he's taking a bit of a holiday as well. People might be like 'Oh that's nice, you get to spend time together,' but actually I kind of want space because there's so little of it in teaching ... I don't want to try and manage yet another relationship, I sort of welcome the mess and clutter and general capacity to 'let go,' and that's not really possible when you have to always be thinking about another person's needs.

Edit to add that I've been married for over 35 years and have a good relationship with DH, just would like some time to myself

A digression admittedly, but how can you both work from home and at the same time home educate?

'Real jobs'
😂

I think you being a teacher changes the dynamic. Most working people are juggling childcare and often solo parent but you are always available during the holidays.

What you need to happen is for your Dh to have the children by himself and take them out for the day at the very least. That way you do get the house to yourself. I completely understand the freedom that comes with being alone at home.

Dh worked from home a good decade before covid on the understanding that I would absolutely not be shushing the children, this was their house and they were on holiday from school. If he wanted an office type environment then he could leave the house and go into the office.

Oh it's definitely both at times.
He is a presence - he shuffles about. I have irrational guilt.

Sometimes it's just nice to have neither. Doesn't mean either of us has done anything wrong.

When DH started to WFH most days, I felt the same, I had to be busy, but not noisy, it drove me mad. Now, I just think sod it. Even if he is working, this is our home not an office. The only thing I don't do if he is here, is vacuum the study.
If I want to veg out in front of the TV, I no longer feel guilty about it. The house is clean and tidy, the clothes are clean, and there is food in the house. TV binge watch? No problem

As currently described, this largely sounds like a you thing. You need to talk to him and see if the noise actually disturbs him (and if it does, he needs to find a workaround, not you).
I love wfh though, we get more time together before and/ after without a commute and I love having lunch together.

I am also off next week for half term and would also hate my dh to be at home every day. Having him home two days is fine, but every day is too much. He would hate it too tbh!