‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

[birdsinginthemorning]

That’s what a good friend just messaged to me.

I am (only semi seriously) wondering if I am in the wrong relationship.

DH has announced he’s working from home most of next week, only going into the office on Wednesday.

I am a teacher so I’m off next week for half term. I am now dreading it 😩

It’s really hard to put my finger on what it is. I hate having to be conscious of noise. I don’t even think we’re all that noisy but it’s that awareness. I also kind of feel watched, even though I know I’m not, it’s that feeling.

The children are only young so while they do sort of understand ‘daddy’s working’ it’s still hard for them to really get it.

We do have a lot planned and we’re out for the whole days Mondays & Fridays as they are his ‘usual’ wfh days. But the rest of the week we’re out for the morning and I don’t really want to have them on a carousel of activities all week.

Is it just me?

And it makes no difference where in the house he is, whether he wears noise cancelling headphones or not, it really is just that I don’t like him working from home. I can sort of tolerate it a couple of times a week but I genuinely think I would be quite depressed if it was every day.

I don't really relate to this - I'm happy when DH works from home although he only does it when there's a practical reason (eg keeping an eye on one child at home while I take one out). He tends to pick up a few chores during breaks so it's usually helpful to have him around, and it's nice to have lunch together. We spent a couple of years when he wfh every day in 2020-21, and we were fine although we had a toddler in a flat with no outside space. We're just quite tolerant people and enjoy each other's company.

It wouldn't make much difference to our half term as I enjoy the whole carousel of activities thing, and I like to be out of the house for most of the day. I don't pressure the dc to keep quiet though - and I don't think it would make much difference if I tried!

YANBU, at all @birdsinginthemorning My DH works 4-on, 4-off, (9 hour shifts, 6am-3pm and 3pm to midnight on alternating weeks) and whilst I am fine with him being home for 4 days, (as I'm used to it and mentally prepared for it!) I HATE it when he is suddenly off when I'm not expecting it. It makes me anxious and I don't know why. I have my own routine (WFH part time/24 hours a week,) and when it's suddenly upended, it stresses me out. He had 6 weeks on the sick a year or so ago, and I nearly went around the bend with him stuck at home 24/7. I don't know how I'm going to cope when he retires!

Thing is, when a man is around, you know it. The energy and the vibe is different, and you always know they are there. They are louder somehow, and not just noise-wise. And I don't know about other women here, but my DH just doesn't stop talking some days. He talks through my TV programmes so I always watch them when he's at work or in bed, 'who's that, what's she doing, is he married to her, is that dog his or hers, are those kids meant to be theirs they look nothing like them, la la la...' Just constant questions.

He has this habit of when I go on my laptop, or get my book out, of giving me a running commentary on what he is watching then. I'm like 🙄and I say 'you don't need to give me a rundown on what you're watching, I am not interested!' he says 'well I am interested!' Like I should drop everything I'm doing and listen to his rundown of what he's watching. I have had to start saying 'watch your programme by all means, but do NOT give me a running commentary.' If he 'forgets' and starts going on about it, I give him 3 chances, and the third time he speaks and tells me what's going on, I pick up what I am doing, (book or laptop or whatever,) and leave the room.

And some days, he follows me around everywhere, just chirping in my ear, and I can NOT concentrate on what I'm doing, be that reading, looking through the internet, or watching something on the TV. When he's off I adapt and work around him being there, and mentally prepare myself, (and I go in the garden quite a bit,) and we do stuff together.

I know it sounds like I 'don't like him very much' LOL! But it's not that, it's just that I need time to myself and I need time without him there, to do things on my own, and things I want and need to do. As I said, when a man is in the house, his whole energy takes over, and he has to be heard - and seen, and it's really hard to relax and do what I want to do in peace and quiet..... I do love him, but I sometimes wish we lived in separate houses next door to one another LOL!! 😆

I don't want to be alone though, and do enjoy being in a relationship/marriage, and the positives outweigh the negatives, and I am fine with living with him for the most part, it's just that he can be a bit overbearing and needy sometimes.

I could NOT be doing with him working from home! He has actually applied for a couple of work from home jobs, as he's so envious that I work from home and he doesn't, but he hasn't got the jobs - thank GOD! 😂

As I said, I don't know how I will cope when he retires!

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When I say question it I don’t even mean a grilling, it’s just the sort of ‘what are you watching’ kind of question which is harmless but annoying. (I also hate being asked what I’m reading when I’m reading.)

My husband feels like this when I’m working from home and he happens to be there, even though I tell him over and over he can literally behave normally and it won’t bother me at all 🤪 if I have a call I will let him know, but doesn’t need to change what he’s doing. I always mention that him being at home with our kids is still much quieter then any of the offices I’ve worked from! Think as he has never experienced working from home, he worries it needs to be deadly silent for me to get on

When I say question it I don’t even mean a grilling, it’s just the sort of ‘what are you watching’ kind of question which is harmless but annoying. (I also hate being asked what I’m reading when I’m reading.)

This is entirely on you then.

I dont care that my husband works from home. Im on mat leave, honestly doesnt even register he is home sometimes! Im not quiet, I just get on my day. He closes his door if he is in a meeting and put his headphones on. Its nice as he starts earlier and finishing earlier. No travelling. So we get to spend more time together in the week.

My husband (now Ex) worked from home occasionally before Covid. It made me uneasy too. DD would know he was at home and thought it was very exciting (it might be different if he did it all the time, but when it was an occasional day, it was a novelty). So I 'd have to watch her closely so she didn't sneak into his room to say 'Hi' to him. It's probably easier if you have older kids who understand that the working parent can't be disturbed. I was mindful of noise and didn't feel I could just pull out the hoover and start hoovering. Having guests over wasn't an option.

Yes, I don’t think I’ve said otherwise. I wish I could be one of these people who just forgets he’s there but I can’t. And you can’t force yourself out of a feeling.

So, this is a ‘you’ problem, as you know.
Best thing is to talk to him about it. He’ll probably find it hard to understand, but do your best to explain it, and ultimately even if he doesn’t understand, it IS just how you feel.
Ask if, in the half term week at least, he would mind going into the office instead of wfh?
Then you’ve got a few weeks to sort out how you’re both going to handle the summer holidays.

Good luck!

Why is that surprising?

Ive worked at home since the 1990s (and way before that if you count studying for my various degrees) and I HATE anyone trespassing onto my territory. It does change the vibe no matter how quiet and considerate they are. In my case the nearest to having a DH (I am single) is having a workman come in to do a long job. I always feel like my home is not my own although I do get on with computer jobs and leave them to it. I cant wait to see the back of them. When I was renting I loathed inspections and always arranged to have a friend around having a coffee when they occured. That made the EA feel uncomfortable so the intervals between got longer and longer.

There’s literally nothing to be gained from talking to him about it. I’m not being awkward but I can’t see the point of that at all. He won’t change his plans so all it would do would be to create an atmosphere.

My husband works from home 95% off the time (I work three days a week in the office) I absolutely hate the fact hes here all the time, I cant get in the bedroom where he works, he interrupts me constantly to talk about his work, he makes a mess while im trying to do the housework, I dont feel like I can relax ive mentioned it to him and he was just offended.

Interestingly one of my friends worked as a nanny and wouldn’t take jobs where one or both parents worked from home.

Half term is about lazy mornings and activities all day, Yanbu. I’d insist that he goes into the office.

That is what DH would be like. ‘How can my presence not be a treat for you!’

I do understand where you’re coming from. I am pregnant with our first and my husband will be leaving his job when baby arrives to be a SAHD. Main reason for him leaving his job is so that he can be at home so I won’t miss as much of baby growing up. I still have to work obvs but I want to hear them in the house.
It wouldn’t even cross his mind that I’m working away in a separate room. Do you think your husband is working at home this week just so that he can be present and maybe feel like he’s not missing what’s going on?

But he might not be fussed about the noise so you're worrying for nothing. And it doesn't have to be a big thing, just after work one day say "hope the kids didn't disrupt you", if no, stop worrying unnecessarily. If he says yes, well at least you know! And can maybe find a compromise (white noise for him, you go out for key calls, he goes into office more)

If he’s on zoom it has noise cancelling so your noise won’t be impacting on his colleagues - I’ve had a kitchen and a bathroom done next to my home office and no one heard a peep and I’m on calls all the time. If your noise bothers him then he has the option to go to the office so he’s alright too.

Get on with your half term and enjoy your week off - I don’t have enough holidays so I’m working sadly and the weather is meant to be great 😊

My husband works from home full time and our preschool son has always been home 2-5 of the days. We just get on with what we’re doing and it’s never been an issue. I don’t let him absolutely scream the place down, but I wouldn’t anyway. The benefits of him not commuting and being able to have a lunch time with us mean I’ve always considered it a bonus that he can WFH.

It sounds like your husband hasn’t actually said you need to behave a certain way if he’s WFH, so I think it’s a bit odd that you’re putting that pressure on yourself.

Be glad he's not a shift worker and in bed!

Yes thats exactly it! I think its because he works at home so much he likes someone to talk to, i work in customer service so I would prefer not to talk to anyone at all on my days off 🤣

What sort of house set up do you have? I get the difference between the peace of managing the DC in a hot half term with or without sharing a self declared “office”.

If the house is big enough to work well away from the communal areas in an upstairs or garden office/loo its a lot less stressful than if communal space is dominated and the DC are constantly being disrupted. Being unable to just “get on with stuff” in your own home is stressful.

WFH has many plus points but not usually for the rest of the family who find their home turned into a unfunded office.

The answer to “what are you watching” is “the most brain dead fodder I can find, is that OK?”. Have you tried saying “I don’t mind providing free office space for MegaCorp mostly but when I’m also home and wrangling the DC it makes my life more difficult”?

You also have a stressful job, YANBU to want some peace next week.

Houses are homes first. It is your and the children's home. Crack on as usual. Let the children be children at home. It is up to him to close doors and enforce his workspace. If it's too noisy for him or the children are interrupting him too often then he has a workplace he can go to. He nor you should absolutely not be shushing children or asking them to tiptoe around their own home so he can work. If he wants to work from home then he accepts its a home. If he wants quiet and peace then he goes to the workplace.

My DH works from home full time and I have been extremely clear that it is our home. Our children are entitled to play, have friends over and do normal children things in their home. I don't let them shout or squeal inside as a general family house rule but normal child play is fine. I don't close doors in the house, our children are allowed to roam around our house. All work boundaries are his responsibility as the one who has chosen to work from home. It is up to him to close his office door, it is up to him to tell the children he is at work when they come into his office. I crack on with the hoovering/ washing/ tumble drying and other household chores whilst he works. If it's too noisy/ busy or chaotic for him to work he is more than welcome to aquire himself an office space outside the house. Same as if his client requires silence/ a quiet work environment, I expect him to source one out of the house. I will not have our home a workplace.