To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

[BurnoutGP]

I was never an anxious parent. But now I think a combination of menopausal anxiety and no control over what they do, I worry constantly and think the worst possible outcomes. Both are lovely capable mostly responsible girls.
DD1 is 24 and travelling. I worry about her constantly. Haven't heard from her for 12hrs/she hasn't posted on SoMe and my brain worm is thinking all sorts. She's 6hrs ahead so is obviously asleep.
DD2 is 18 and out for a friend's birthday. Now in the pub and am having to sit on my hands not to message her.
This is never going to stop is it ?

I think this is the main problem when you’re a single parent. Worrying and catastrophising when you’re alone with no one to ground you is awful. I ask (almost plead) with my son to stay at his best friend’s parents house overnight so I can sleep without worry. He mostly does to please me, which helps but then I spend the next day still worrying until he’s back. I have his location but won’t look at it during the night in case it makes me worry more. The next day I can spend hours agonising over whether to look at it to see if he is at his friend’s house. I give myself to midday, take a deep breath and look through my fingers at his location. When I see he is at his friend’s it’s like a huge weight has been lifted. I dread to think how I would react if he wasn’t somewhere familiar. I know it’s all mad but there’s nothing I can do to change it, it’s how my brain is wired. It’s actually exhausting. 😩 Once he’s back at uni I relax a lot more as it’s not possible, even for me, to worry every minute he’s there.

Whoever it was that said having children is like having a piece of heart outside your own body was so right.

My eldest 2 are almost the same age as yours , it never stops . My dh thinks it's crazy to be worried about them but if eldest is late from work he is straight onto message to see why . I think when they no longer live with me I might have to relax . I don't think my own parents worried half as much and they couldn't contact us as easy. They definitely didn't know our every move

Mine are 23 and 28, both have left home. I worry more now than ever,especially about my daughter ( she has ADHD)
At least when they're little you know where they are and what they're doing.....

I look back on when they were young, and think, what was I worrying about?! Their decisions seem to have so many more serious implications now they are young adults. And yes, they make their own decisions.

I work full time and have a busy social life and great marriage so it’s not about me having an empty life.

I wonder if it’s because we were lucky and their childhoods and adolescent years were pretty straightforward and uncomplicated. The ‘real world’ is not so simple.

Whilst I don’t interfere unless my advice is requested, I feel the mental burden of being a parent more than I ever did. It has surprised me and I don’t like it.

I travelled to Afghanistan and Iran back in the 1970s with a group when it was safe to do so. I revisted Iran (travelling independently) in the 1990s and Syria and Lebanon in the early 2000s. I would not visit those places now. as they are no longer safe destinations.

This perfectly sums how I feel
And in fact we did have some difficult times. DD1 was out of control for a few years. DD2 mental health issues and late diagnosed AuDHD.
But these adult worries seem so much worse. I think its because I can't "fix" it. I have to trust in them. And I do. But I can't help the worry.

100% agree with this. All those tracking, being on constant contact etc is making things worse, not better. The OP says she’s worried as she hasn’t heard from her travelling daughter for 12 hours… does that mean contact is usually more frequent than every 12 hours?? If so, with all respect, that’s insane. I’m not that old (40) but when I was travelling in my early 20s I called my parents every week or so. They trusted me.

Not direct contact no. But she usually posts on SoMe a few times a day.

When I went travelling for 14 months, my parents were not able to track me or text me or know my exact whereabouts. How lucky I was to do it just as the world of technology was changing.

I have 2 in their 20s. I worried about them very little when they were at uni. One has moved out now so I don’t tend to worry about him, the other is back at home and will have me lying awake at night until he gets in from a night out. Ridiculous, but I am beyond hope.

This is my identical situation with DD every day, heart in mouth. Hers is not well controlled and she is at uni very far away. So yes, worry far far more than before this bloody blight came along.

@rhabarbarmarmelade I typed a big reply to you and then pressed cancel instead of edit - grrr! I just wanted to send solidarity as a fellow Epilepsy mum - it is awful and the stress is next level. Constantly alert, in jump in to action mode all whilst my son is out taking risks that do not help his health condition! I hear you and I am sorry you are in a similar position x

I think its totally normal. We never stop worrying about them. Don't let it out of control.

Gah Life360 is both a blessing and a curse. According to Life 360 a couple of weeks ago my DD19 was in a hedge, in a field about 25 miles away at about 1am. I was beside myself so ended up texting her and she was 'fine' apparently 🤯

ETA she wanted us to add her to the Life360 app because she was a new driver and also has a tendency to lose her phone so hoped it would help find it 😅

It is scary, having adult children. When they’re little you know where they are, you can keep them safe and when they're adults you can’t.

All you can do is hope they make good choices whilst knowing they probably won’t.

OP - you're getting very defensive but here are a few of things you wrote

I worry constantly and think the worst possible outcomes

Now in the pub and am having to sit on my hands not to message her. This is never going to stop is it ?

I do feel like im going crazy sometimes

That doesn't sound like normal worrying (I worry about my DD too!) and is causing you anguish. However, you only seem to want responses from people who worry to the same degree as you, so I'll wish you well and leave you to it.

I would say it's wirse having adult DC. You have absolutely no control over them and its hard seeing them fall.

I don’t worry as much as I used to now that I’m on sertraline, i think a certain amount of worry is normal but yours sounds like you might have underlying anxiety issues.

I think the worries just change. I have a toddler and a teen, I worry the toddler will fall over and bang their head and I worry that my teenager will get robbed on the bus to school.

My mum says she lays awake some nights still and worries about me and my siblings (we’re all fine)

My stepmum was in a state when I broke my ankle because she was so worried about me falling down the stairs when I got home (I was 30)

I guess it never ends 😂

I’ve read the whole thread now. OP, it sounds as if your kids have no idea that you worry so that’s good. And they talk to you too so probably will ask if they need help.

Mine know I worry but I think my level is normal, not obsessive or anything to worry about. And they call me often and send me stuff on Instagram so that helps.

https://youtube.com/shorts/cRTf57A6Y50?si=_yXvjdrNzJOAqwuZ

I'm very sorry for your loss. That is clearly a terrible thing to have happened.

However, the point is, anything, however unlikely can happen to any of us, anywhere, at any time. Worrying yourself into a frenzy about the 'what if...'s in life doesn't help anyone. Had your dd's friend's Mum been tracking her at the time, it would have made no difference whatsoever.
There is nothing to be gained by over worrying about things you can't actually affect.

Yes this. But you learn to live with it. I find out of sight is out of mind a bit. Mine has turned off location settings and read receipts and won’t put what she is doing in the fam calendar but wants access to everyone calendar so she can see what we are doing but not vice versa!

But its one of them things its like saying to a depressed person just be happy. You can't always just quieten your brain

Maybe, but there is no need to feed your anxiety by doing things like tracking them on their phones, or insisting you message every day, etc.

It is not helping.