To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

[BurnoutGP]

I was never an anxious parent. But now I think a combination of menopausal anxiety and no control over what they do, I worry constantly and think the worst possible outcomes. Both are lovely capable mostly responsible girls.
DD1 is 24 and travelling. I worry about her constantly. Haven't heard from her for 12hrs/she hasn't posted on SoMe and my brain worm is thinking all sorts. She's 6hrs ahead so is obviously asleep.
DD2 is 18 and out for a friend's birthday. Now in the pub and am having to sit on my hands not to message her.
This is never going to stop is it ?

I know its a heatwave in London just now. I messaged him to wear sunscreen and drink plenty water.. he's got a job earning 4 times my job, educated to PhD level. I know I didn't need to tell him that but I cant help it. To be fair he replied "will do mum "

I think that's quite sweet!

I think that's sensible...our children should not be responsible for our peace of mind...they have their own lives to live and this tracking business is mad!
We weren't tracked, were we?

Having said that, a brief message to say, home safely, after a long drive/journey may not be unreasonable, as long as it's not followed by breathless parental relief, too much pressure, and too emotionally intrusive for our children.
"All things are possible, not all things are probable" is a mantra I've used for many, many years. It's served me well.

I don't track mine. I can roughly see location on snap.
However once when she was in uni in Brighton her snap showed her in the actual sea in the middle of the night. I laughed it off as its not exact (and trying to rationalise my worry) and all the bars and clubs are on the seafront. And went to bed.
Turns out she was actually in the sea drunken skinny dipping.
And the very sad young deaths of 3 young people in the sea in Brighton recently shows these things can and fo happen.
I know I can't protect them from everything but I can and do worry.

Why did she tell you she'd been drunkenly skinny dipping?

YADNBU. It's a bit of a kick in the tit when you realise this.

Because we have a lovely healthy close relationship and she can tell me everything. I asked if shed had a good night and she proceeded to regale me with her exploits. I gritted my teeth and said sounds like a good night but maybe drunken skinny dipping is not such a good idea...

Sounds like my dd she tells me everything
she's a massive oversharer, I think this is why I worry so much as I realise what an idiot she is. I wish she lied more like I did with my mum

I think it's just something you do - I worry about dh (and he worries about me) and I worry about my kids - I know some people never do - we're all different.

It's what you do with that worry that the important thing, if it makes the recipient feel loved and cared for in an non intrusive way that's good - if it constricts or controls it's not good, if it makes you feel ill it's not good.

Yes this hugely overshares...I tell her I dont need to know everything. But we are close. Always been the 3 of us. DD2 on the other hand tells me nothing...

My dad used to stay awake waiting for me to come home from the nightclub. Then again they did close at 2am back in the olden days, and the pub’s finished at 11pm.

I also knew that if I couldn’t get a taxi home I could ring him and he’d come to collect me. I’ve done exactly the same for our daughter, she’s 30 but you never stop worrying, 🤗

Having technology so you can be in contact on a daily basis can be great and a hindrance. Don’t track DS, but when he went to uni he would message on family WhatsApp group pretty much daily, sometimes just a ‘morning’ other times more verbose. But on a day he didn’t message or respond or no blue tick, then the worry set in as so unusual. Of course a couple of days later he would reappear

Omg same thats why Im perhaps wrongly under the illusion that she's the sensible one she perhaps isn't she's just better at hiding stuff

Thank you for this sensible reply.

When I was travelling solo to places like Iran, Afghanistan and Syria I never told my parents where I was going. My mother would have worried herself hairless. Fortunately there were no smart phones then (although there were mobiles) so it was much more diffciult to keep track of people. I let my whereabouts be known to one realative whom I could trust not to tell the others. The most I ever did was to let him know I had arrived safely and possibly another call to say I would be back next day.

I guarantee you will never stop worrying.

I must be naive and im not well travelled the furthest I've been is Greece. But do people really travel around Iran, Afghanistan and Syria. I think you was very wise not to tell your mum I would lock my daughter in the house if she said she was travelling to these places.

My adult DD and I are very close too. The difference is that if she told me she'd been skinny dipping, it would come as a surprise as I wouldn't have been tracking her at 3am and noticed she was in the sea. It's up to her what she chooses to share with you - you shouldn't be one step ahead.

And no one has told me what they'd do if they noticed DC was in an unknown house at 3am. Would you ring to check they hadn't been abducted like my friend did and found out her DD was having a ONS

But do people really travel around Iran, Afghanistan and Syria

Back in the day - yes. Now - only if they're stupid.

I repeat I wasn't tracking her. You can see last location on Snapchat. Snap locations are very vague general areas.
And as I clearly said I didn't then frantically ring her to check on her. I rationalised MY anxiety and left her to her life.
I dont track her movement so wouldn't really know if she wasn't at home but if I did I would 100% assume she was having a ONS.
As it is she is on the other side of rhe world so there isn't really anything I can do.
I am very very good at keeping my anxiety about them to myself and because I have never been an anxious parent am pretty sure they are largely oblivious. But a bit of awareness of your parents is not a bad thing.
We all parent in different ways.

Thinking on this a bit more. My parents were not the best and TBH really didn't seem to care what I was going and when. I was very sensible and left home as soon as I could anyway.
I actually hated it and was jealous of those friends whose parents did check up on them and picked them up (and me at times). I wanted my children to feel loved and cared for like I never did.

I would msg and if it was my eldest she would just msg all good I met a guy and went back to his. If it was my second eldest she would msg all good and then make up some excuse/lie which would also be fine. I don't care what either are doing just that their breathing

And not been sex trafficked or kidnapped 😏

I understand you.My 19 year old is doing a year in spain working.My 22 year old a Uni, the thing is they will have to face all.sorts of things just like we did.You gave them the rescources to get through.It will be okay .

Yep although I think if they where kidnapped they would soon be brought back 🤣

I have four and it's constant worry even though three out of the four live over three hours drive away.