To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

[BurnoutGP]

I was never an anxious parent. But now I think a combination of menopausal anxiety and no control over what they do, I worry constantly and think the worst possible outcomes. Both are lovely capable mostly responsible girls.
DD1 is 24 and travelling. I worry about her constantly. Haven't heard from her for 12hrs/she hasn't posted on SoMe and my brain worm is thinking all sorts. She's 6hrs ahead so is obviously asleep.
DD2 is 18 and out for a friend's birthday. Now in the pub and am having to sit on my hands not to message her.
This is never going to stop is it ?

Mine are between 22 and 28. Yes I worry in a different way to when they were small. However what you are describing seems over the top. You mention menopause are you taking any HRt or supplements?

I am not saying I dont worry about my children I absolutly do. However not to the extend I am concerned when they go to the pub. More about how their exams are going and if dd2 will find a better job.

That level of catastrophising isn't normal though @BurnoutGP for perfectly normal daily activities by happy healthy young adults.

I know this. I think menopausal anxiety is a factor here as its very out of character for me. Not usually anxious at all! I mostly keep a lid on it and rationally know how ridiculous it is

Oh I do worry about exams/uni/jobs as well dont worry

No I genuinely don’t worry as much as when ds was little, nothing like as much. I have a repetitive daydream of someone coming to the door to report his death but it doesn’t preoccupy me, it’s more of a passing thought.

I hadn’t heard of Life360 and ds has me well trained as he frequently doesn’t reply to messages for days, sometimes never. It seems pretty clear to me that these tools are feeding your anxiety. I would work on mindfulness and anxiety management tbh.

Thats good 🙂

But genuinly. Before I went on HRT I thought the worst and would often burst.into tears for no reason. This is why I mentioned it.

Thanks yes I think I need to consider it. Can manage the other symptoms but the anxiety is so foreign and unsetting to me

I also have a 24 year old son who likes to party and moved out a month ago. It’s been a worry but glad he has a sensible girlfriend.
but what a wrench. I can’t tell you how much I miss him after having him at home with me for 24 years. Only child x

I'm now wondering if my 98 year old gran worries about her 76 year old son??! Probably...!!

Yeah,I know what you mean.Sometimes I try to force myself to stop worrying about my adult son but it always creeps back in.I wish I could find away to stop worrying so much.

This resonates with me so much! The anxiety and worry is next level now mine are young adults!

My youngest was diagnosed with Epilepsy last year out of the blue and that extra layer of worry colours my life daily. He still goes out drinking even though I know it is not good for his health condition so weekends are awful as I worry about him getting in but then worry if he is going to have a seizure. I am a lone parent working full time too so the responsibility to be alert and provide first aid if needed is constantly there. My eldest is coming to the end of a vocational degree which she has worked so hard for and is brilliant at - no jobs in the whole of the UK currently!

I have always been anxious and am perimenopausal and on HRT but I don’t think it is designed to manage my high anxiety so not really a cure as such!

It is helpful to know others feel the same as it is not discussed openly at all I don’t think. This stage of parenting has been far and away the most challenging for me and I am not sure that will ever change - bit bleak really 🥲!

I think, kindly, you sound a bit over anxious to be honest. Maybe this is due to the expected constant contact with mobile phones/SM?
When I went travelling at 18 I sent a postcard every few weeks, and the occasional call.
Otoh my 17 year olds friend's have all just passed their driving tests, he has his soon, I'm pretty relaxed about most things but this I am worried about!
You just have to trust that you have raised them to make sensible decisions.

It gets easier, or at least did for me. You have to accept that they are adults - easier said than done but start with not messaging your older daughter each day or checking her social media, hearing from her every few days is plenty, you need to give her space and you will begin to relax because you aren’t expecting daily contact. Because of one of my DD’s jobs it can be 4-6 weeks and even then it’s just email, you do get used to it

I’m the same OP. I’m currently on holiday and worried sick about DD22 back home alone. My anxieties probably fall into OCD territory when I’m stressed. I’ve found CBT techniques helpful when it happens.

I know it stems from control-freakery. We can no longer guard them or manipulate their environment to keep them safe. Therefore my brain automatically jumps to the worst case scenario! Remind yourselves of all the times you got wound up and she was fine.

I voted yabu but with kindness. I work with someone who lost a whole day of work time fretting about whether her 22 year old dd had made it onto a train from Birmingham to somewhere about 4 hours away. It’s not healthy that we can see so much and track everything.

I say this as someone whose 18 yr old has just done a trip around the world. I had occasional chats, a few WhatsApp’s, we had a group chat for his and his travel buddy’s family and let them get on with it.

when I did it, my parents had no clue where I was for weeks on end. We micro manage everything and I’m not sure the risks are higher than they were.

all this monitoring will not stop accidents happening but it will rob us of any peace of mind for now.

ps hrt helped me massively in managing the bizarre anxiety that suddenly hit me in my late 40s

Ds is late 20s, living in London flatshares. He's going to a festival this weekend (where? What? Who knows..).

We are in Scotland. I know its a heatwave in London just now. I messaged him to wear sunscreen and drink plenty water.. he's got a job earning 4 times my job, educated to PhD level.

I know I didn't need to tell him that but I cant help it.

To be fair he replied "will do mum "

He must have been thinking "Oh for gods sake"....

So yes @BurnoutGP, I understand what you mean completely!

It’s not just worrying about where they are and whether they are safe. Waiting for uni results, worrying whether they will get a job. And DC has a partner who is also job hunting so have added them to my worry load 😂

I think the things that can go wrong have such a big life changing impact for their future that I find so overwhelming.
I've just had a good chat with DD1 who as expected has been distracted by a boy/man and is currently reconsidering her plans to move on. But shes fine and happy. DD2 is asleep sleeping off her hangover. I am at work. All is for now calm in my world

We worry about our kids forever. The issues change, but we still worry.

I think you should talk to your GP - you're worried that you're over anxious and I think you are. We all worry, but you're consumed with anxiety, which is not your normal.

HRT might not be enough to tackle your anxiety. A friend of mine got fantastic relief from anti-anxiety medication when she ended up in an anxiety spiral, also when she was perimenopausal.

You don't have to suffer through this.

I'm going against the grain here.
You need to believe in your adult dc!
Have you not brought them up with common sense and the normal, basic skills of adulting ?

It isnt about how you brought them up it is the worry of all the bad things that could happen to them in the big wide world. DD best friend was killed last year at the age of 21, a car mounted the kerb and knocked her down, common sense would not have saved her nor how she was raised.

OP I know exactly how you feel mine are 21 and 22 (one at Uni and one in central London) and every night I do a mental tally in my head as to where they are and if they are ok. It was only at Xmas when they were both sound asleep under my roof I could fully relax. It is because we love them so much.

Following their location at 3am then fretting if they are not at home

What happens if they hook up and go back to a random house? Do you panic when you see that they're not home but in a house you don't recognise? Do you phone them and demand an explanation?

Stop the tracking!

Thank you but I dont need to (Im a GP). This is very specific anxiety and is manageable. I am well aware of it and can rationalise it. Its not pervasive or constant. And am not anxious the rest of the time. I dont need counselling or medication and wouldn't give it to a patient describing this.
Im clearly also not alone in these worries.

My eldest 2 are 16 and 19 and I hate it not knowing where they are all the time and knowing the absolute dumb arse decisions they make (especially my eldest) how my eldest is still alive is purely just a miracle at this point. The stress anxiety and sleepless nights have definitely increased the older they have got.