Lend a Tenner to friend in financial difficulty?

[CertaintyOfTides]

Hello ,

So I'd like some outside perspective on this.
I've never been one to ask for money and have always paid money,probably taking it too far in fact . For example. Even if it was a £1.

So recently I've had a number of unforeseen issues ie . Poorly pets , deaths in the family and on my part , not being 100% thinking clearly .
I have a close friend , who we've both described as being like family . I know she has had issues before with lending people large amounts of money and being taken advantage of . She's since told me she never lends money .
Last week I found myself about £10 away from trouble bank account wise . I didn't want to ask for money but was desperate and texted her saying I will get paid in 2 days but can you please lend me £10 . And please feel free to say no .
At the very least as I thought we were best mates, I expected a text back .
Instead, I got absolute radio silence. I then recieved a text thanking me for her birthday card but criticising the present I got her.

AIBU to think that lending a close friend £10 for two days, when you have plenty of money and they are struggling should not be a big deal and that they should at least say no. Rather than ignore you .

Thanks .

Yeah yanbu and she's crazy for criticising a lantern

Just say “that’s a shame, I really thought you would like it. Never mind, my mistake. However, as you are not able to use it, it would be as shame to leave it gathering dust in the shed; please return it to me so I can send it back/use it myself, pass it on.” If you’re feeling mischievous, you could always replace it with a crisp £10 note in an envelope. 😬

I would guarantee that she has had other friends who started asking for £10, paid it back and then the amounts increased.
Other than my daughters, twice in my life have I had a friend where money made a huge difference. In those cases I gave them what I could, being really clear it was a gift and I did not want to repaid. They never asked then or again. I've got the odd bit of shopping etc.
I think you probably need to reflect that this is not a reflection on you or your relationship but based on her lived experience

Probably shouldn't have text. A call may have gone down better.

Just to be clear , she did previously day that she would never lend money to anyone again but these people were more like acquaintances.

I've known her 35 years and she calls me her best friend . She also has said very recently that I am one of the only people , if not the only person she would lend to .

In terms of buying her a present , before an unexpected bill , that is not a guilt tripping present .

Well all I can say is that you are blessed .

Could the criticism of the present be a very cack handed attempt at giving you a reason to get a refund and thereby solving the issue of the tenner? Solving your problem without relaxing her boundary? Although if it were me I'd give you the tenner on this occasion and only give it more thought if you came back for more, or too quickly. Could it have been a panic response as the question, especially from you, was unexpected? Although why she couldn't have had an actual conversation about it I don't know........

And I'm sure she was referring to more important sums and not 10£ !

I’m a big “ne’er a borrrower nor a lender be” but would certainly lend £10 to a struggling friend. However I can (now) easily afford to do so - I just wonder whether your friend is similarly short so felt that given previous conversations this was a stressful request that she couldn’t deal with?

I think it was mean for her to criticize your generous gift while not even responding to your request. Given that she didn't like your gift, I would suggest you never get her a gift again.

You could also save money in future by not getting her a birthday card ever again, but maybe that's a little overboard. (I will say, cards seem expensive nowadays!)

All of this plus,Op did the classic victim manipulation by saying friend doesnt trust her
She said no
Respect her reasons why

If a friend messaged me asking to borrow £10 and I had it, I would lend it.
They wouldn’t even have to be a super good friend, I would like to think that most people on finding out a friend needs help would offer it, if they had it spare.
Her message about your birthday is just downright rude….. I would be reevaluating the friendship personally.

My lovely Irish Mum taught me that what ever you give to a person in need comes back to you threefold.
I gave £20 once (that I couldn't really afford to give) to a lady crying in the street outside the closed food bank.
Next day I won £60 on the staff lottery. 🙂

I think that is a rather harsh post. Maybe OP genuinely felt those things. Why assume she was being manipulative? You don't know her innermost thoughts.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to think she was being manipulative 🤷‍♀️

I meant this post

Unless you were always asking, as a good friend, I would just be happy to give you the tenner, OP.
If you honestly haven’t been taking the piss and this is the first time you’ve ever asked, and she hasn’t got her own issues, you are not good friends.

Op I know someone just like this and there way of saying no is just blanking the text. Could you return the gift and get your money back then let her have to ask you for the money. I get people don’t lend money but sometimes this situation is a desperate one and if you don’t ask as a rule she should have realised you were desperate and would never have asked in the first place. You are obviously more of her friend than she is yours. No one tells the friend the gift isn’t any good especially after knowing you were skint very insensitive of her.

Because its playing the victim
The circumstances created when she asked her friend who had clearly stated a boundary.

The friend has her reasons, its not for any of us to question because we only set our own boundaries

Yes me too for my closest friends . It’s only flipping money. And Îm not rhe richest ( nor the poorest either)

She’s not your friend. A true genuine friend wouldn’t bat an eyelid and would transfer £10 different if you had asked for £1000.

At first it seemed the crossing of a clear boundary was the issue, but reading further about the fact that she recently said she would break that for you, I think it’s perhaps you then asking so soon after. If it were me and as soon as I let my guard down for a friend, they fairly immediately jumped on that offer, it wouldn’t leave a good feeling.

I have not found this to be the case, and I'd be a few thousand better of it was!
I'm with OP's friend, I'm not lending money again. In my experience, it changes the whole relationship.

No answer is still an answer. In this case "No" which you told her to feel free to say. It sounds like she is pissed off that you asked.

She has explained that she doesn't lend money. Whether she has plenty of money or very little is irrelevant. She is your friend, not your personal money lender.

In the end, a friend ( who i didn't think was as close actually heard i was short due to car issues unexpectedly and unbeknownst to me sent me money.) So it turned out I need not have asked.
But afterwards i thought about it and am reevaluating. I could have just about understood if she would have replied to my text ,or graciousness accepted my "scary" present.
Personally, if I had thousands in the bank and my so called friend was not eating dinner , going to bed in clothes and had no heating and was greiving . I would break my own rigid rule of not lending .
I don't understand what happens when she goes out for a coffee and they take in turns with other friends , is that not lending a tenner in a less structured way?

No answer is not a no . It means that the other person is left wondering and therefore cannot ask anyone else in the meantime .