Lend a Tenner to friend in financial difficulty?

[CertaintyOfTides]

Hello ,

So I'd like some outside perspective on this.
I've never been one to ask for money and have always paid money,probably taking it too far in fact . For example. Even if it was a £1.

So recently I've had a number of unforeseen issues ie . Poorly pets , deaths in the family and on my part , not being 100% thinking clearly .
I have a close friend , who we've both described as being like family . I know she has had issues before with lending people large amounts of money and being taken advantage of . She's since told me she never lends money .
Last week I found myself about £10 away from trouble bank account wise . I didn't want to ask for money but was desperate and texted her saying I will get paid in 2 days but can you please lend me £10 . And please feel free to say no .
At the very least as I thought we were best mates, I expected a text back .
Instead, I got absolute radio silence. I then recieved a text thanking me for her birthday card but criticising the present I got her.

AIBU to think that lending a close friend £10 for two days, when you have plenty of money and they are struggling should not be a big deal and that they should at least say no. Rather than ignore you .

Thanks .

I would have given it to you, plus some more to tide you over.

If I can spare it at all, I'd much rather give than lend.

I'd lend my friend a tenner and wouldn't chase it up, but I can afford to lose a tenner.

I would give anyone who asked a tenner, never mind a close friend. (No, not you, the whole of MN!)

But you knew she never lends. So asking was awkward. Some people ignore rather than have to say no.

@CertaintyOfTides Your friend is not a friend. Tell her not to worry about the bday gift. It's the last one she will get from you.

She isn’t a friend. I’d split my last tenner for a friend who was in need.
I would understand that it isn’t easy to ask for help.
I wouldn’t contact her again, she might have her boundaries set up but sometimes boundaries have consequences.
I hope things improve for you financially.

I ‘d give almost anyone I know a tenner if they needed it.

I hope you asked her to return the gift to you so you can get a refund!

IME the sort of person who asks you to lend them a tenner once is the sort of person who will ask again and again and again - and I'd rather not get into that.

Complaining about the birthday gift though was horrible.

I’d have given it to you op but people can be odd about money.

She's told you she doesn't lend money at all but you still asked? Yeah, don't blame her for ignoring that.

I do not lend money to anyone and like your friend I let people know if it ever comes up generally but there have been times I have done things that are like lending but not a direct request.

She had her boundary. Everyone is entitled to have healthy boundaries. Especially after past experiences.
She didn't answer because he hoped if she ignores it it goes away.
Rude to criticise the gift though.

I have the same rule and I’ve had to have it because of several times supposed friends and family taking the piss.

I’ve been on the absolute bones of my arse and because of that I used to be always willing to hand over money to people struggling. I had to learn to say no and sometimes it ended with people bitching about me being horrible , each person thinks they’re different and genuine and thinks I should make an exception to the rule for them. Some of them would tell other family and friends on the hope that someone else would be like “what a bitch, here I’ll give you a tenner” Everyone who has taken advantage of me always use the “we’re like family though” and use gifts they’ve given me as a way to me me look ungrateful and id relent because I want to be a good friend.

You know she’s been burnt before and taken advantage of, you know she’s has a blanket no lending money rule, but you still chose to ask her, I would never ask someone for money with that history and who had said they don’t lend money anymore, it’s obviously going to make her uncomfortable and you said it’s ok to say no but then make a thread about her and suggest its not being a big deal because she has plenty of money, that’s exactly the same thing everyone I’ve helped in the past have said.

A tenner isn’t much but if she’s got hilly history of being used and taken advantage of I can totally understand why she is sticking to her boundary.

Im surprised at the amount of people calling her a shit friend, if someone started a thread and said they have a history of being asked to give money to friends and family and getting taken advantage of so have a blanket “no” when it comes to giving money to people, but now a friend who knows about this has asked for money off her, she’d be told you’re taking the piss and shouldn’t have asked.

Thank you. I have never loaned anyone more than £50 in my life; but I trusted my friend implicitly and I just had this sudden urge to offer her the money. So pleased I did as never saw her as happy as the day she drove it over to show me.

Take the gift back. Resell it on for a tenner..
She isn't a proper friend..

She is clear that she does not lend money
You know this
You asked her to lend you money
YABVU to ask for a loan - you put her in an uncomfortable position

If I'd made it clear to someone that I never lent money and it was because I'd been burnt in the past, I would feel pretty insulted if that person then asked me to lend them money. No matter how the request came, it would be putting me on the spot - another thing that would piss me off. I would probably not immediately reply because if I said no I'd be branded as mean, so I'd probably respond with a deafening silence. Also - it's £10 for 2 days. I can't understand why it was so desperate. Surely anyone can survive for 2 days - or what was it that you needed so desperately that you were willing to annoy a friend for it? At the risk of being accused of giving financial advice, how about putting some by for emergencies in future? Lending or borrowing money changes the dynamic of a friendship, and leaves the lender anxious until it is paid back. And if the borrower takes her time to repay the lender then has the unpleasant task of reminding her. All in all not a good recipe for friendship. Also, it looks as if it wouldn't be the last time the would-be borrower was so desperate to borrow a tenner. As for the criticism of the present, that's a separate issue and only mentioned seemingly to make the friend look worse. What was the criticism? I'd be happy to be thought a horrible woman by someone who doesn't respect my choice not to lend and then muddies the water with mention of some criticism of her present which she's not prepared to elaborate on.

Newsflash: This person isn’t a close friend.

On the one hand £10 isn’t a lot of money, and I’d probably be fine with lending a friend that.

But then on the other hand, I can see how someone who’s previously had problems arise from this kind of scenario would take a firm stance on never lending money ever again. For all you know the previous trouble started with them asking to borrow a small amount like £10 before things escalated.
Given that you know her history with this, you really did ask the wrong person!

Hell yes, I’d of lent you a tenner OP. Im
guessing you aren’t friends now?

She is not your close friend OP. £10 is not a lot so yes I would of lent a close friend money.

Take this as a sign to step back from her and do not even bother with a card or pressie next year!

“I know she has had issues before with lending people large amounts of money and being taken advantage of . She's since told me she never lends money .”

Theres your answer.

I dont agree with this. I know the sort of people you arr describing though. The key word is close (In OPs case I think they are not close). Some people are in genuine need and tbh if its £10 to last you 2 days I would say it does sound genuine. I have never borrowed money ever and would not dare ask even a close friend nor family.

Its not fair to judge though just because someone may be in need!

And I learnt on therapy a lot of ages to look out for and that set my gut off is phrases like “I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate” and “it’s ok if you say no” because it’s commonly used by manipulative people. I’ve had people get offended that I’m “treating” them like a pisstaker when I say no.

I’ve learnt through lots of therapy that a good friend wouldn’t ever say “it’s ok to say no” and then turn on you when you do say a no, the hardest people to have boundaries with are people who can see have multiple people do a certain thing, and agree that they’re taking advantage, and then they do the same thing or make the same requests, use the same words, and expect you ignore your past experiences and make an exception for them, otherwise they’ll be annoyed and tell you it’s not a big deal. I can see why she might have frozen and not replied if she’s worried you’ll kick off or bitch about her (which you have done with the creation of this thread)

I hope you got sorted.

She's already said that she has had issues with lending money. The radio silence was becsuse it was probably easier to ignore the request than say no. I wonder if she was also concerned that if would becone a pattern?

I would never "lend" money. It just leads to misunderstanding and resentment. If I was going to give you £10, it would be that, giving you. If you then gave it back, fantastic but at least if it was a gift there would be no expectations on that.