DH gave dd birthday presents while I was at work

[Upsidedownagain]

Yesterday was my dd's 21st birthday. She had a birthday list. DH ordered the present from us, picked it up from the shop and bought a card. I ordered another present from a different shop for her sibling to give her. It wasn't available at the store till the day before her birthday so after work I drove there to collect it. I have been feeling unwell for a few days and was tired after 10 hours at work. Our wider family haven't exchanged cards and presents for several years (their choice, not mine), so I also went to another store to buy some extra surprise presents for dd (the ones we already had were ones she'd asked for). When I got home I spent some time wrapping everything, other than the present DH had got and the one from sibling. Neither of the latter wanted to bother to do it that evening (sibling is in a bad place atm). I went to bed early as I felt unwell.

DH works from home and dd and sibling didn't have work yesterday (dd had taken the day off). When I got home dd and her best friend were preparing to go out to celebrate. She came and thanked me for a message I'd written in her card and I realised DH had given her all her presents without me. We have ALWAYS given birthday presents as a family so I was absolutely furious and upset as I wanted to see dd open them myself. She was happy with the gifts but I just can't help feeling that DH (and dd to an extent) were totally thoughtless. They also left the wrapping paper all over the floor in the room I'd left them in.

AIBU? I do feel exhausted and unwell and I know it was all quite last minute and we didn't discuss it properly.

Absolutely not being unreasonable and I don't think it requires a discussion beforehand.... we all know as parents we want to watch our children open their presents 😭😭

I'd be so very hurt if that happened in my household. It would really really hurt my feelings 😭

Sounds like he was incredibly thoughtless, rather than purposefully mean. Men are so dumb sometimes.

That's incredibly thoughtless. I'd be very hurt. You need to speak to him so he can understand the impact on you

I don’t see the problem, you already know what the presents are.

If she was going to out for the night around the time you got home from work then I don’t think it was unreasonable, otherwise she wouldn’t have got her presents at all…?

What time did you get home? You say she was getting ready to go out so was it evening? I wouldn’t expect someone to wait till the evening to open their gifts.

It's not very nice, but it's hardly something to be furious about. I do think it's a bit different when the kids are little you want to see their excited faces but your DD is 21 and things do change. It's a lot of pressure having peoplw watch you open presents to see your reaction.

At the end of the day it's about your DD, it's her birthday so she should enjoy it. I hope you didn't tell her you were furious.

I'd be really upset about that, I love to see my children open their gifts. Why did he say he did it?

I can see why you are upset though if you knew DD was going out for the evening then I don't know when you were expecting her to open them. I presume as she had the day off she wasn't going to get up early before you went to work (if you leave quite early that is).
Yes it does seem thoughtfulness but I think he was just being practical (and is there even the chance DD saw the wrapped gifts and asked if she could have them as she was going out).

The way I'm reading this is that you wanted her to wait all day whilst you finished work, then went to get presents and then went to sleep. Is that correct? If so, YABU.

Why did you not buy her presents until the day of her birthday?

I think this was all the day before. I think it has been added to suggest that she is the one who did the hard work getting the present and buying surprises and then didn't get to see them opened.

It still doesn't make sense though that there was no discussion if she was going to work, DD wasn't (so no early opening) and not returning home from work til late. When did she want DD to wait til?

I don't think big family present opening sessions are really a thing at 21. And I suspect most 21 year olds wouldn't want them. Also remember that lots of people's 21 year olds will be somewhere other than the family home on their birthday (both of mine were); so their presents just get sent to them.

You sound very casual about the present giving - not sure why she didn't get her present first thing; not sure why you had to pop out last minute to get more presents (a 21 year old does not need a "pile"), so I think you are unreasonable to expect everything to revolve around your plan that she had to wait until a time that you deemed right to open everything together.

it sounds like none of them were amazing one off special presents, so all you have missed is your daughter being politely appreciative. Which I hope she was to you later anyway. Actually not getting the "feel forced to perform when everyone is watching" reaction but the more considered later reaction is often better anyway.

Surely you do presents in the morning OR discuss when they’ll be done so everyone knows? Sounds like there would not have been time after you got home if she was going out?

Also why are you having to buy a present from a sibling who is old enough to work? If they earn money they can and should get their own surely?

I get why you're annoyed, I'd feel the same. But as a one off, I'd let it go this time.

Not cool at all.

And I dont buy this they're 21 it's not a thing, or presents after work being a no no.

We had a bit of a family do for our sons 21st and everyone wanted to watch him open his gifts, not just me and his dad. And he opened them in the evening. I think my sister may even have recorded it!

I wouldn't be happy at all. Surprised there wasnt a plan though.

Personally, about the presents YABU.

About the mess of the wrapping paper being left behind… I wouldn’t be picking any of that up. Tell your DH.

I can kind of understand why your husband gave her the presents. It would awkward to be home with her all day on her 21st and not acknowledge it was her birthday until you got home. I think he felt he should and shouldn’t make her wait.

Just wondering when you wanted her to open the presents if you weren’t there all day? At 21, I would just except her to open them when she got up without too much fuss.

So if your DH got up with kids on Christmas day at 5am and they all opened their presents from you, while you were still asleep, that's cool too?

I think if this was important to you you needed to have a clear plan as it would be a bit surprising to wait until late in the day if you were heading out shortly. Did you ask everyone to wait for you?

Everyone involved is certainly old enough to clean up after themselves so I wouldn’t be tidying up after them though.

Not a fair comparison as the OP wasn’t asleep, she was at work. If the OP was working on Christmas Day, I would expect the other parent to crack on with Christmas Day rather than waiting until the evening to start!

We would have talked about the logistics after I’d wrapped them.

I understand you're feeling a bit unwell, but being furious about this seems like such an over reaction.

She's 21. There's no need to make her wait all day to open presents and cards, just because you wanted to be there when they were opened.

8am and I already know this is going to be the dumbest comment I come across on the internet today. Congratulations 🙌

Historically we have given our kids their presents in the morning - if a school day, before school etc. But dd took the day off work and said she wouldn't be getting up till late. I knew what time she was going out and arrived home well before that. She's not a little kid over excited about finding out what her presents would be - she had given us a list and she knew what she was getting, which is why I bought some extra ones.

Her sibling is paying for her present. However we ordered it online and it was easiest for me to collect it on my way home. Sibling would have had to take a 40 minute bus journey to collect it and it only arrived at the store the day before dd's birthday.

Yes I am guilty of leaving things to the last minute and I know it's a bad habit but there was zero reason for her to have her presents without me there. DH isn't malicious but somewhat lazy and thoughtless. Dd did know I was upset but she apologised to me as she said she would also be upset if I opened her presents to me without her there.