DH gave dd birthday presents while I was at work

[Upsidedownagain]

Yesterday was my dd's 21st birthday. She had a birthday list. DH ordered the present from us, picked it up from the shop and bought a card. I ordered another present from a different shop for her sibling to give her. It wasn't available at the store till the day before her birthday so after work I drove there to collect it. I have been feeling unwell for a few days and was tired after 10 hours at work. Our wider family haven't exchanged cards and presents for several years (their choice, not mine), so I also went to another store to buy some extra surprise presents for dd (the ones we already had were ones she'd asked for). When I got home I spent some time wrapping everything, other than the present DH had got and the one from sibling. Neither of the latter wanted to bother to do it that evening (sibling is in a bad place atm). I went to bed early as I felt unwell.

DH works from home and dd and sibling didn't have work yesterday (dd had taken the day off). When I got home dd and her best friend were preparing to go out to celebrate. She came and thanked me for a message I'd written in her card and I realised DH had given her all her presents without me. We have ALWAYS given birthday presents as a family so I was absolutely furious and upset as I wanted to see dd open them myself. She was happy with the gifts but I just can't help feeling that DH (and dd to an extent) were totally thoughtless. They also left the wrapping paper all over the floor in the room I'd left them in.

AIBU? I do feel exhausted and unwell and I know it was all quite last minute and we didn't discuss it properly.

Yes I would be annoyed if I had done the bulk of the work and didn't get to see the results. But also I would have taken a half day for her birthday or even the day off. Seems odd if you knew everyone else was going to be at home.

This is DDs day and as long as she’s happy then that’s all that matters.
It’s not about you and want you want to do.
I would not be making a big deal out of it.

However, YANBU to feel upset by it.
Of course you wanted to share it with your child and the fact that you did most of the leg work whilst your DH WFH takes the piss tbh.

I’d mention it to DH but then let it go.
I wouldn’t say anything in front of DD.

I’m surprised by people saying you should have taken the day off.

You need to book time off at my work months in advance and so it was likely you assumed DD would be working.
She also had a lie in and so OP wouldn’t have seen her much before she was due to finish anyway.

Plus I thought WFH was working and so I’m not sure why posters are suggesting that DH had the day off.

I don’t think DH did it maliciously but he could have given her his present and sibling gave her theirs and then let OP give her hers when she got home.

I would be annoyed if I had spent time buying and wrapping presents only for someone else to give them away.

But I wouldn’t make an issue out of it.

I think it's unreasonable to make her wait all day on her Birthday.

YRNBU. I’d be having words with your DH. Thoughtless prick wanting to take the glory IMO

the timeline is unclear. you went to bed, got up and went to work before seeing DD and by the time you'd got back she was getting ready to go out, ls presumably quite late. I think it's crap for you but expecting her to plan her whole day around you working is also unfair. if she hadn't had presents until you got home, presumably that would have delayed her going out and celebrating too.

bloody old enough to tidy her own mess up tho

That's my reading of the timeline too. It seems that there is a fairly limited window when OP and DD were actually at home at the same time.

In OP's position I would want her DD to open her presents at a time of her choosing and be able to enjoy her evening with friends. If there had been a particularly special present I would have asked her to hold off opening it until I got home. Or given it to her the evening before.

OP has made potentially ruined DD's day by focussing only on her own uncommunicated expectations.

No one in my job takes a day off for a birthday. Dd wouldn't have expected or wanted that. We will be going out as a family at the weekend. It's not that we are not making a fuss of her birthday, its just about the timing of the presents. I admit DH and I never discussed it but we have over 20 years of history of our children opening their presents with us, so I thought it was assumed.

I’d be really upset and cross too.
If you’d said to DD before hand, ‘Don’t wait for me to finish work, open them whenever you fancy’ then fine but you didn’t and you said that you normally open presents as a family. Also, it was her 21st! Bang out of order.

Men just don't think about these things unless explicitly stated. I would have been hurt too however I would have taken some time off work if spending time with my 21 year old and watching her open presents was important to me. You could have all had a nice day somewhere together even if just at home in the day as you knew she was out later.

I'd be upset. Opening birthday presents is a family activity in our house.

We always agree the day before whether it's present opening before school/work (everyone gets up early for it) or afterwards.

Younger family members tend to go for early. Older go for later. But we do it together.

I think your DH was thoughtless and sadly so was your DD really. It's ok to tell them you're upset you missed out otherwise they might not realise.

Yanbu.
Your husband is a thoughtless twat.
Bet you know that though.

Start minding yourself OP.
You are doing too much and it's clear you are not being appreciated for it.

Mind yourself whilst you still have the chance.

I presume you've asked DH why he did it that way. What was his answer?

I would ask him what he was thinking rather than puzzling over it.

If everyone knew that Birthday Daughter planned to sleep in and you'd be at work by the time she got up but home in plenty of time before she went out, then the "celebration" should have been planned for whatever time you were expected home plus a little margin. If this wasn't discussed the day before, DH could have wished BD a happy birthday when she got up and added "we'll do presents/cake/whatever when Mum gets home around 5". That seems pretty usual to me and many 21 year olds are able to wait that long. It may be that DH had tuned out and/or the two of you hadn't communicated well and he was afraid you wouldn't be home in time and couldn't reach you by phone/text. Or he was viewing the presents as a routine task/obligation rather than a social occasion and the effort you made with the extra prep the prior day was invisible or unimportant to him.

But I'm absolutely sure that he meant to clear up the wrapping paper, just not right away! 🙄

I’d be pissed off too . With my husband and daughter. She should have waited for you . And as for the paper on the floor , for a 21 year old , not exactly great !

I'd be a bit annoyed too, though probably not as much as you.
We tend to open presents as a family (or as many as we can muster now kids are older) and will discuss in advance when we will do this. Sometimes we even celebrate birthdays on a complete different day if people are v busy with work etc.

I'd have expected a chat about it in advance though, unless you have a very set default tradition.

I also think it is as much on your daughter as your DH. She should have said she'd wait for mum!

I'd be annoyed too but equally your daughter should have known to wait for you too.

you’re overreacting to this

firstly, stop referring to her as a kid, she’s 21. That’s a fully grown, established adult. Whether she’s immature or not, doesn’t make her a child. It doesn’t matter what arrangements were during birthdays when she was an actual child.

As an adult, she can choose when she opens her birthday presents and what she does on her birthday and who needs to be present etc.

It is very controlling for you to expect your husband to mindread & delay access to presents until you got home. What if, he saw she was gearing up to leave the house, and he thought it would be special for her to get a gift before going out; or to be able to use some of her gifts whilst getting ready. It is also controlling to expect her to delay her plans, to wait for you to get home from work. What if she had a table booked, or friends to meet at a certain time? Seems odd for a 21 year old to delay her own birthday plans to wait for her mum to finish work to be given access to birthday presents- that’s treating her like a child.

Your husband just dealt with things in a flexible, age appropriate manner. I don’t think anyone in your household felt your husband was the one who chose the gifts or wrapped them.

IMO, you are being unreasonable and selfish.

You would have rather your daughter wait a whole day for you to finish work before opening her birthday presents? That’s obscene.

If you wanted to watch her open her gifts then you should have booked the day off work.

She is an adult.

Yes this. He gave her the presents as she was already with her mate getting ready to go out. There wouldn’t have been a moment to sit down with you to open presents unless you wanted her mate to awkwardly watch her open gifts? She’s also 21 not 12 - I used to say thanks for the gifts and open them later in my room on my own so people don’t glare at me like at a circus monkey.

Also, have you asked your DH how this transpired or are you keeping this all in? What if she asked for her gifts? What if she wanted to use / wear something she was getting to go out? Let it go tbh.

You’d be ‘livid’ that your adult child opened their birthday presents on their birthday at home whilst you were at work?

🤔

That is beside the point. She had gone to the trouble of wrapping everything and she wanted to see the look on her DD's face when she opened them and share in that moment with her.

That's the problem.

I don't really want to draw this out but he gave her the presents when she woke up that morning. He knows I wasn't happy and we've spoken about it. He says he didn't think and sibling was on hand with their present so it just happened. I just wanted to see if others thought I was being unreasonable and it appears most don't. I wouldn't have minded as much if he'd held back the presents I bought that she didn't know about. One was actually for someone else....!

I would be a bit annoyed to be honest.

But that is because I love watching people open the gifts that I get them. I like to share in that moment with them.

My lot know that we do presents together but if its someone's Birthday then we all make sure we are up and available to do them in the morning. I wouldn't expect them to wait all day unless they were okay with that. Its a discussion we would have beforehand.

However, I would be a bit pissed off but ultimately its not really the end of the World either is it?