DH gave dd birthday presents while I was at work

[Upsidedownagain]

Yesterday was my dd's 21st birthday. She had a birthday list. DH ordered the present from us, picked it up from the shop and bought a card. I ordered another present from a different shop for her sibling to give her. It wasn't available at the store till the day before her birthday so after work I drove there to collect it. I have been feeling unwell for a few days and was tired after 10 hours at work. Our wider family haven't exchanged cards and presents for several years (their choice, not mine), so I also went to another store to buy some extra surprise presents for dd (the ones we already had were ones she'd asked for). When I got home I spent some time wrapping everything, other than the present DH had got and the one from sibling. Neither of the latter wanted to bother to do it that evening (sibling is in a bad place atm). I went to bed early as I felt unwell.

DH works from home and dd and sibling didn't have work yesterday (dd had taken the day off). When I got home dd and her best friend were preparing to go out to celebrate. She came and thanked me for a message I'd written in her card and I realised DH had given her all her presents without me. We have ALWAYS given birthday presents as a family so I was absolutely furious and upset as I wanted to see dd open them myself. She was happy with the gifts but I just can't help feeling that DH (and dd to an extent) were totally thoughtless. They also left the wrapping paper all over the floor in the room I'd left them in.

AIBU? I do feel exhausted and unwell and I know it was all quite last minute and we didn't discuss it properly.

obscene???

now who is overreacting!

Yes. Obscene.

It’s very obvious that the OP is overreacting. Massively.

I voted u are being unreasonable. I don't think you are being unreasonable being disappointed, but you are being unreasonable expecting her to wait until you were home. Tbh, she could have chosen to wait if she wished.

Which is understandable if they’re a child getting a huge surprise.

Her daughter is an adult getting very much expected presents.

I would be so upset. Both have ignored the time and effort you’d put into things and the fact you’d wrapped them - sheesh! Your DH felt it was his place to hand them over?! Not cool at all - including the gift that wasn’t even for her! And it’s her 21st! That’s a special birthday in my book. Wow, I don’t even know what to say. I’d suggest your DH was the one at fault, not your DD. Even my teens would know to wait for me though for presents.

Not all men are total buffoons. That’s a weak excuse for shitty behaviour.

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

God it’s so pedantic when posters try and argue about definitions.

How about crazy, ludicrous or pathetic? Are they okay?

Because that’s how I see the situation of the OP expecting her adult daughter to wait to open her own birthday gifts.

You know what assuming does?
It makes an ass out of u and me! 😂

It doesn't matter if DD is a child or an adult. Its pretty standard to want to see the look on someone's face when they are given, and open, a gift from you, even if they already know what it is.

I would have been a bit annoyed too, but I love watching people open the gifts I give them.

So I am with the OP in that I would be annoyed would care. But I also wouldn't make a big deal out of it and would let it go.

No, people like to open their birthday presents in the morning. I would never expect my offspring to wait all day to open them.

Kindly, if it were that big a deal why didn’t you take at least the morning off work? No way would I have let my DD have to wait all day to open presents. You say no one at work takes days off for birthdays but this was a 21st! Despite celebrating at the weekend, surely the day itself is important enough to this? If not , then you can’t really complain as it wasn’t important enough to celebrate the day then it also wasn’t important enough to be there for gift opening. Sadly you can’t have it both ways.

I would agree with you normally about the pedantic thing. But obscene? Come on. And your alternative adjectives aren’t that much better. I suspect you one of those posters who look for opportunities to gleefully stick the boot in.

Nothing gleeful about it.

The OP is asking if she’s unreasonable or not.

IMO it’s unreasonable to expect your adult child to not open their birthday gifts when they want to on their birthday. It’s so selfish.

If the OP didn’t want to get upset and wanted to be there to see her daughter open her gifts then she should have booked the day or a half day off work.

It’s fucking pathetic. And if anyone sees that as “sticking the boot in” then God help them.

Lol, the words projecting and unhinged come to mind.

tw*t is a strong word for someone giving their DC a birthday present.

Where are you getting the information that OP is doing too much? DH bought the card and main present. OP wrapped the present and bought some fillers. Seems pretty balanced and neither one is unappreciated or doing too much.

"Mind yourself why you still have the chance* 😂tinfoil hat much?

Waiting whole day to open her pressie from you , till you are home from workis madness - but understand you wanted to see her

needs to be before work /school etc

6/7 pm is too late. Near the end of her birthday

Despite what pp have said I have never and would never take a day off work for a birthday, mine or anyone else's. No one I know does, other than dd, who happens to have a job where it is seen as normal since they work shifts. She has a second job that she actually attended on her birthday so it wasn't like she planned anything for the day other than the meal with her friend in the evening that I paid for. She didn't expect or ask any of us to do anything with her. Sibling happened to have a non working day and DH wfh all the time. That does not mean I don't care about her birthday. And I fully accept we need to communicate better. I was just surprised / disappointed at the time.

You're not being unreasonable. It was your DHs fault for giving them to her though, she probably assumed he'd told you he was going to that and you were ok with it.

And I don't think it's unreasonable to expect an adult to wait until they are with the gift giver to get their presents.

Literacy/ comprehension issues?
The OP has stated she is exhausted and unwell at the moment.
She was particularly tired after a 10 hour day.

Perhaps doing too much for everyone too.
Lots of women do this and don't mind their own health.

Tin hat???? Are you unwell?

Perhaps read the OP's posts. There weren't that many after all. Not too difficult.

At that age, many (maybe even most) parents won't see their adult children open birthday presents, because they'll be away in uni, or living on their own. As many others have said, this isn't like an "excited young kids at Christmas" scenario.

And honestly, it just feels like you're centering yourself in the whole thing.

Surely that's "assume" 🤔
"Assuming" makes an ass out of u and ming 😁

I'm on your side, OP. I also have young adult children and don't always get to see them on their birthdays and therefore when they're opening their presents. But if we are together on their birthdays, even for just a brief period of time, then I would want to be there when they open their presents. It doesn't matter how old they are. I want to be there when my husband opens his presents too!

I'm sure he was just being thoughtless rather than deliberately mean, but YANBU to be disappointed. I'm sure the fact that you had been unwell and working a lot factored in to your feelings too, so at this point I would advise letting it go and not dwelling on it.

I’ll start praying 😉

YANBU, it was at best stupid and thoughtless of DH to give presents without you, at worst selfish.

Then it is not that important to you. As I said before, you can’t have it both ways.

important - take half day, do present opening, then go to work. You see present opening.

Not important - go to work and leave dd to their own devices and let them open their presents.

By the time you get home it’s more of a birthevening than birthDAY.

You must work somewhere very odd. Everyone I’ve ever know and worked with over 30 years at least takes time off for milestone birthdays.