DH gave dd birthday presents while I was at work

[Upsidedownagain]

Yesterday was my dd's 21st birthday. She had a birthday list. DH ordered the present from us, picked it up from the shop and bought a card. I ordered another present from a different shop for her sibling to give her. It wasn't available at the store till the day before her birthday so after work I drove there to collect it. I have been feeling unwell for a few days and was tired after 10 hours at work. Our wider family haven't exchanged cards and presents for several years (their choice, not mine), so I also went to another store to buy some extra surprise presents for dd (the ones we already had were ones she'd asked for). When I got home I spent some time wrapping everything, other than the present DH had got and the one from sibling. Neither of the latter wanted to bother to do it that evening (sibling is in a bad place atm). I went to bed early as I felt unwell.

DH works from home and dd and sibling didn't have work yesterday (dd had taken the day off). When I got home dd and her best friend were preparing to go out to celebrate. She came and thanked me for a message I'd written in her card and I realised DH had given her all her presents without me. We have ALWAYS given birthday presents as a family so I was absolutely furious and upset as I wanted to see dd open them myself. She was happy with the gifts but I just can't help feeling that DH (and dd to an extent) were totally thoughtless. They also left the wrapping paper all over the floor in the room I'd left them in.

AIBU? I do feel exhausted and unwell and I know it was all quite last minute and we didn't discuss it properly.

I know and I have. Just wanted to see whether others would think I was BU or not. Been feeling unwell and stressed so perhaps I wouldn't have reacted like this at another time.

Blimey, the nasties are out in force already this morning and it's not even 9am! Take a day off, seriously.

Sorry you're getting a kicking, OP.

Yanbu

It's a special occasion (more special).

At 21 I would thought an adult could open her birthday presents whever she feels like it and doesn't have to wait for "mummy" to come home. FFS imagine calling DD thoughtless for opening her presents.

The day should be about DD not OP. It's not like OP put a huge amount of effort in. DH bought the present and the card. OP wrapped the gift and got some last minute present fillers.

I'd be gutted @Upsidedownagain

You are definitely not BU.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable tbh. DH should have considered you/asked you first but will you really make your DD wait all day til you got home when she wasn’t working? It’s lovely that she thanked you for the message.

It's a special birthday. It's more than 18 being an adult, it's becoming a true adult where you should appreciate your parents, your family and your life.

Clearly times are changing.

That was a dick move from your husband.
I can't imagine that there wasn't any brief conversation like '"should we wait till mums back before opening all together? "
Or can I open these now or are we waiting for mum

I'd be pretty deflated and disappointed that he got all the glory when you did all the work

I don't think it's fair to imply that OPs daughter doesn't appreciate her parents. She opened the presents with her dad and then later thanked her mum for the lovely message in the card. She's also since apologised for not waiting to open the presents.

Surely you're not that dense to think OP is upset at not seeing the presents themselves? Come on now.

Clearly not that special in terms of presents as again DH ordered a present and then they got some random fillers. Also if it was such a special birthday then OP could easily have taken annual leave or changed working hours to fit around this monumentous occassion. Instead OP work took priority and DD was expected to wait.

You can't have it both ways. You can't put emphasis on it being a really special occasssion, enough to get upset about, but then prioritise your ordinary routine and carry on like any other day.

And on top of that to then ruin the mood of the day by saying you're upset and making DD mot likely feel bad again just comes across as selfish and self entitled. OP should have sucked it up and not guilt tripped DD into apologising on her own bday.

people must have a really off hand relationship with their children if they don’t care about being there for the present opening. It’s part of the ceremony.

You can't compare. 21 is a big birthday as you all know.

OP I would be pissed off too, mine are 21 and 22 and even when I work Xmas day we still do gifts together, isnt that the whole point? The magic of giving is seeing their reaction surely?

Have a talk to him about thoughtlessness, to make sure it does not happen again. Really thoughtless, I am so sorry. I know the feeling and am often amazed how people can just not SEE for a second what they are about to do.

This.
It’s not your daughter’s fault that you were too disorganised to order her presents in reasonable time so that you weren’t tired and stressing yourself out last minute.
You are making this all about You, how You didn’t get to see her open her presents.
Yes it’s a bit disappointing but if you made her feel bad about this on her birthday then you’re being very petty and a shitty parent.
My mother pulled that crap (alongside the rest of her main character persona) whilst I was growing up and I’m NC with her now.
If you made her feel awful before she went off out to celebrate her Birthday you’re just nasty.

I think it was unreasonable to expect a 21 year old adult not open any presents until you get home, especially when you never communicated that to her.

You didn’t take the afternoon off for the special day, you didn’t arrange in the days before that you would like to be there in the afternoon to open the presents, you never text her on the day to say can she hold off opening the presents.

So as far as your daughter was aware, you would have been fine with this.

In terms of your DH, again what was communicated? Yes, 21st is a big birthday and of course you want to be part of the experience but it looks like there was next to no planning involved and when that happens, events like these happen.

No one did it to deliberately exclude or upset you. Is it upsetting? Yes. But you have to blame poor planning too, if you are going to blame your husband.

It’s just one of these things. Don’t make your DDs 21st about your hurt feelings. Why not buy another little something or write her a lovely letter and be there when she opens it. Not all is lost.

I can understand you being upset, especially as you’d done most of the work and they left rubbish for you to clean up. But maybe they thought as she’s an adult you wouldn’t be as bothered about seeing her unwrap the presents as when she was a kid? I like watching people unwrap presents so I would’ve wanted to be there, but not sure I would be furious about it. Either one of them could’ve said no and to wait for you, and maybe there was spare time during the day rather than the evening as DD was going out. I would tell DH you were disappointed and you would like to be there next time, but I wouldn’t stew on it

But this is it isn’t it? If it was a special occasion, why wasn’t it organized as such? As nothing special was arranged or discussed beforehand the rest of the family thought it was okay just to get on with it.

I don’t think you are being U to be upset and disappointed, I would have been too, but it is time to move on.

I would also have been disappointed and I certainly don't see why you shouldn't have said so, after all a 21st birthday is special. It's good that your daughter recognised that you would have wanted to see her opening her presents, hopefully that acknowledgement softened your disappointment.

Are you male or possibly ND?

Seeing the reaction of the person you are giving presents to, if possible, is part of the present giving experience.

The husband was a thoughtless dick.

I hope your husband was suitably apologetic. I would feel the same.

OP it was thoughtless and understandable you are a bit miffed. However, this isn’t something big enough to hold onto and you don’t want to make your DD’s birthday about you. Quiet word to DH that this is important to you and upset you so please don’t do it again without discussion first. Then let it go.

I’d be annoyed at DH but not DD. I’d put a good face on it so as not to put a dampener on her birthday - and then deal with him in private!

If it was a "special" birthday then the OP would have taken time off ( even if it was just a half day), to spend it with her DD.