DH gave dd birthday presents while I was at work

[Upsidedownagain]

Yesterday was my dd's 21st birthday. She had a birthday list. DH ordered the present from us, picked it up from the shop and bought a card. I ordered another present from a different shop for her sibling to give her. It wasn't available at the store till the day before her birthday so after work I drove there to collect it. I have been feeling unwell for a few days and was tired after 10 hours at work. Our wider family haven't exchanged cards and presents for several years (their choice, not mine), so I also went to another store to buy some extra surprise presents for dd (the ones we already had were ones she'd asked for). When I got home I spent some time wrapping everything, other than the present DH had got and the one from sibling. Neither of the latter wanted to bother to do it that evening (sibling is in a bad place atm). I went to bed early as I felt unwell.

DH works from home and dd and sibling didn't have work yesterday (dd had taken the day off). When I got home dd and her best friend were preparing to go out to celebrate. She came and thanked me for a message I'd written in her card and I realised DH had given her all her presents without me. We have ALWAYS given birthday presents as a family so I was absolutely furious and upset as I wanted to see dd open them myself. She was happy with the gifts but I just can't help feeling that DH (and dd to an extent) were totally thoughtless. They also left the wrapping paper all over the floor in the room I'd left them in.

AIBU? I do feel exhausted and unwell and I know it was all quite last minute and we didn't discuss it properly.

So what … so she that immature she can’t wait?!?

I guess you have to if you’re reliant on your mothers job to house you!

Why should she.

I would be really upset too.

Im not the dramatic one who is “absolutely furious and upset” because an adult opened their birthday gifts on their birthday.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Curtsey to her mum … enjoying opening presents as a family?!? Maybe your family do everything in isolation 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it’s pretty narcissistic for a 40+ year old woman to care more about her own feelings, than wanting her own daughter to open and enjoy her birthday gifts on her birthday.

Ah, the old “I didn’t think” excuse, shrugging off all blame. Unlike a PP, I don’t believe most men are dumb. They are, however, thoughtless and self-centred. They’re also competitive, sometimes subconsciously so. Your DH saw giving your DD her presents as a win for him. He could bask in the gratitude. This is often subconscious - a desire to ‘gain points’, a desire to win, a desire to score by receiving positive reactions.

YADNBU. Even if your DD had actively asked for her presents in the morning after you’d left, your DH should have texted you first to check it was ok with you. You could then have asked him to keep the extra ones back and she could have opened two lots of presents.

I bet he still doesn’t get what he did wrong.

I actually thought it was very funny . Assume it was meant to be ?

You are equally dramatic. Look at your language.

Tell me more though about people who are upset about these situations being ‘narcissists’. I have worked as a consultant psychiatrist for almost 30y and don’t diagnose online. But even if I did, I admit that I would not be able to make a diagnosis like this based on this single behavioural aspect. How did you reach your diagnosis?

My use of language on an online forum makes me equally dramatic as the OP who has said she is “furious” in a real life situation?

OK🤣🤣🤣🤣

I don’t care that you’re a consultant psychiatrist. It’s irrelevant. I still think it’s narcissistic for a 40+ year old woman to be “furious” that her daughter opened her birthday presents whilst she was at work. My view isn’t going to change.

Yes, your language is OTT. You keep throwing around words you don’t understand. But do carry on, as hyperbole and overuse of emojis, with an absence of emotional intelligence, appears to be your ‘thing’.

It’s the internet. An online forum.

Not a thesis.

👍🏼

You didn’t communicate in advance on this one because you have never had to before. You couldn’t have really seen this one coming op! Do tell your partner how you feel cause it sucks. It’s your daughter’s 21st!! You want to be there for that moment. It’s good your daughter acknowledged it. Maybe sneak in something special with her that’s a treat for you two to mark the moment in a different way xx

I would absolutely be upset about this. IMO, birthdays are celebrated for each family member by ALL family members. I think it was really thoughtless of your DH and I hope he’s realised this and apologised for it. I hope you all enjoy the family celebration this weekend.

Wtf beyond stupid.

I'm so glad I'm not married, they all sound like prats

Well, 1,317 people take the opposite view, according to the vote, so perhaps not all that obvious.

I wouldn't be furious, but definitely sad. Watching a loved one open a gift you've chosen for them is one of life's great joys.

I find this really sad, you and no one you know takes a day off for a birthday?? Me and literally everyone I know (family, close friends or acquaintances) would take time off for a birthday or explain why they weren’t 😆 it’s my dds 21st in September I will be off work whatever her plans - if she wants to sleep late, go out with friends whatever! I will be here the minute she wants to open her presents! I do that for my mam, my partner and my closest friends - I make myself available for the time that suits them and they do the same for me, this has never been discussed as a thing it’s just how it is! I think uabvvvvu!

How do you have enough leave to take a day off for everyone’s birthday and have weeks left for annual leave and school hols etc?!

I only know one person who takes their birthday off.

I actually don't really have a problem with this. I used to have massive anxiety over present opening in front of family. I felt like I had to act surprised and it was so awkward every time. I was always worried I wouldn't like the gift and wouldn't be able to hide it. I much more enjoy opening gifts on my own and continue to do so. It ruins the joy opening in front of others, creating anxiety and awkwardness.

I'm 37 years old. I've never worked my birthday. Always request it off 😁

I don’t know maybe I don’t have that many close people😆 if they are close enough that I want to see them open their presents - I’m there for it!

If DD and DH knew you were feeling tired and unwell, Upsidedownagain, they really should have shown more consideration, but maybe they hadn't noticed. If you are inclined to "power through", they probably assumed you were your usual self. It was still thoughtless of them, of course, but I'm guessing you'd let it go more easily if you were on top form. I'm glad your DD liked her presents and hope she enjoyed her outing with her friends. Take care of yourself - it's far easier to give close ones a break if you've given yourself one.

I agree with you .