DH gave dd birthday presents while I was at work

[Upsidedownagain]

Yesterday was my dd's 21st birthday. She had a birthday list. DH ordered the present from us, picked it up from the shop and bought a card. I ordered another present from a different shop for her sibling to give her. It wasn't available at the store till the day before her birthday so after work I drove there to collect it. I have been feeling unwell for a few days and was tired after 10 hours at work. Our wider family haven't exchanged cards and presents for several years (their choice, not mine), so I also went to another store to buy some extra surprise presents for dd (the ones we already had were ones she'd asked for). When I got home I spent some time wrapping everything, other than the present DH had got and the one from sibling. Neither of the latter wanted to bother to do it that evening (sibling is in a bad place atm). I went to bed early as I felt unwell.

DH works from home and dd and sibling didn't have work yesterday (dd had taken the day off). When I got home dd and her best friend were preparing to go out to celebrate. She came and thanked me for a message I'd written in her card and I realised DH had given her all her presents without me. We have ALWAYS given birthday presents as a family so I was absolutely furious and upset as I wanted to see dd open them myself. She was happy with the gifts but I just can't help feeling that DH (and dd to an extent) were totally thoughtless. They also left the wrapping paper all over the floor in the room I'd left them in.

AIBU? I do feel exhausted and unwell and I know it was all quite last minute and we didn't discuss it properly.

I can understand your upset. Realistically did you expect your daughter to wait all day for her gifts though.

Perhaps the solution might have been to keep your presents (from you and DH) until you came home.

I think YABU, sorry. She’s 21, not 3. She knew what she was getting, you’ve said so yourself.

I don’t know. Your husband would presumably have felt a bit mean holding back her presents all day.

You need to read it again then. It clearly says OP picked the gifts up the day before the birthday

@Upsidedownagain sorry OP but you’re ruining your child’s 21st by letting her know that she upset you. She knows you went to the trouble of getting her the presents and she should have been allowed to enjoy opening them and then going out with her friends without your woes laying heavy on her shoulders.

Get over it!

I would be so upset, I can understand how you feel.

my mil did this one Christmas when the children were little, I was in the kitchen putting the Turkey in and heard excited voices DH and I arrived in the room at the same time to find she was giving out the gifts. I (and DH to be fair) hit the roof.

that aside, we always have opened our presents after school/work there was never time in the morning so it made more sense (unless it was a weekend of course ) but even then we always open the gifts together.

i would make sure they both understand how upset and disappointed you are. And I hope you left the paper

I’d be absolutely livid about this - and very hurt.

What a strange comment, that's got nothing to do with it. She's upset as she didn't get to see her daughter's reaction to her presents. Your comment blows my mind.

I would be angry/upset too.

I leave for work early so I always ask beforehand if kids want to get up early to open presents, or wait until I’m home. They usually opt to wait now that they’re older.

At 21 they are not little kids - they can absolutely wait to open presents.

Big difference between a young child and a 21 year old adult. OP is overreacting

Of course they can (and my kids can too and they're much younger) but it still would have been a plan and not an assumption. I can see why they both thought it made sense to open them before her friends came round.

She's upset that she didn't get to see her 21 year old daughter's reaction to a present that she knew she was getting.

Your comment blows my mind that you can't understand why a lot of people wouldn't consider that to be something particularly special. It's not remotely similar, for example, to wanting to see an 6 year old open a new unexpected toy that you know they are going to love when they are likely to have a genuine and tangible reaction.

On the other hand, DD did make a point of thanking her mum for a (presumably personal and individual) message that she'd written in her card. That, for me, would have been the way more important thing.

I would have been really upset too, my Primary aged DC are happy to open just one gift in the morning and then wait until the evening to open the rest so I am sure a 21 year old would have been able to manage.

God what a drama and it really didn’t need such a long winded explanation.

YABU. Really, grow up.

Whats with the "making her wait all day" comments? Have i misread and the DD is 12, not 21?

Yanbu op and at 21 id have told my Dad i would hang on for mum. Both were very thoughtless here.

Exactly. And so does she as they were from a list. She opens them and says “thanks”. What’s the big deal? She’s 21, not a 5 year old opening their gifts from Santa.

This. Also why didn’t you take some time off to spend with her if doing things together as a family is important.

I would have been upset with dh that was very selfish of him, My ds would have just opened them but I know dd would have said let’s wait for mum. I make a huge deal of birthdays in our house and would have been sad not to see our child open their present from us.

in our house presents either get opened before 7.30am before dh leaves for work or 6 pm when I arrive home.

It blows my mind more that 85% of people agree with the OP and think this very minor kerfuffle involving an adult daughter who knew what she was getting is worth getting upset over for more than a nanosecond

Any other year I might've been miffed, but for her 21st I would have been livid. She won't celebrate many more birthdays at home and it's a milestone occasion. Plus it's not like you were late getting home – you said you were back in plenty of time for her to go out.

I think just because your DH got one present he wanted to take all the glory for the others. Has he even apologised?

Family life includes being a bit upset sometimes over the seemingly thoughtlessness of others but we move on. It's not a big deal in the scheme of things, nobody intended to hurt your feelings but it shouldn't be about you. It's all over now.

If you wanted to be there while she opened her presents you should have arranged to start work late or if not possible agreed a time for the present opening. It’s unreasonable to expect that they should have known that you wanted them to wait until you got home if you didn’t communicate it to them.

I'm talking about 10 to 15 minutes, not a whole day. Your comment is crazy.

I would be very very upset by this

Oh what a shame @Upsidedownagain

Absolutely thoughtless.

21 is still a big thing and of course you should have been there with your daughter.
I've no advice about going forward but I can imagine how upset you were.