DH gave dd birthday presents while I was at work

[Upsidedownagain]

Yesterday was my dd's 21st birthday. She had a birthday list. DH ordered the present from us, picked it up from the shop and bought a card. I ordered another present from a different shop for her sibling to give her. It wasn't available at the store till the day before her birthday so after work I drove there to collect it. I have been feeling unwell for a few days and was tired after 10 hours at work. Our wider family haven't exchanged cards and presents for several years (their choice, not mine), so I also went to another store to buy some extra surprise presents for dd (the ones we already had were ones she'd asked for). When I got home I spent some time wrapping everything, other than the present DH had got and the one from sibling. Neither of the latter wanted to bother to do it that evening (sibling is in a bad place atm). I went to bed early as I felt unwell.

DH works from home and dd and sibling didn't have work yesterday (dd had taken the day off). When I got home dd and her best friend were preparing to go out to celebrate. She came and thanked me for a message I'd written in her card and I realised DH had given her all her presents without me. We have ALWAYS given birthday presents as a family so I was absolutely furious and upset as I wanted to see dd open them myself. She was happy with the gifts but I just can't help feeling that DH (and dd to an extent) were totally thoughtless. They also left the wrapping paper all over the floor in the room I'd left them in.

AIBU? I do feel exhausted and unwell and I know it was all quite last minute and we didn't discuss it properly.

You carry the load, they get the glory?

I think the people who want the o.p to be raging at her daughter for opening presents are nastier tbh

What a overdramtic reaction which helps no one

Ridiculous

I'd probably have booked the day off too such a special birthday for my child but I understand you may have a job that this isn't an option

Husband must have done it on purpose as who can be this stupid. DD pretty selfish herself for not waiting until you were home!

Why not … she’s 21, not 6 🙄

I'll admit I haven't read every post, but I haven't seen anyone blame the daughter, only the husband

Same … my 10 year old managed it a few months ago. This is ridiculous.

Incredibly thoughtless, but I’d be really sad to have missed it, rather than furious.

I would still have a very strong word or three with DH.

There a few saying "tell them you are disappointed" etc

I think it’s all of those words that she can’t wait

Really? Most seem to blame the daughter!!

That is missing the point by so much GPS won't even find it.

Ah so she should make her her 21st birthday all about her mother and her mothers schedule? She should just sit around all day patiently before opening her own gifts.

Pathetic.

Only a narcissist would get upset with their adult child for opening their own birthday gifts in this situation.

Agree then it is definitely down to poor communication. You said you went to bed early but you could have text your DH in the morning (not sure if he was up for work or not) and said wait for me before giving DD her presents, I will be home a bit earlier.
Likewise, did you not send a text in the morning to DD for her to wake to? Again a simply happy birthday, look forward to opening presents with you when I get back from work. Will leave early as know you have plans.

OP still hasn’t said what time she got home. If she works 10 hr days then she could well have gotten home at 8pm ahead of dd going out at 9. In which case I would have opened the presents also.

Because it's a "big" birthday and her birthday.

I would be upset. We always open presents and cake etc together even though my kids are young adults! We use FaceTime if someone is absent. But we always plan so it would never be last minute like this.

The people making those sarcastic and cold comments, are the kinds of parents who celebrate their kids’ 18th birthdays by kicking them out or charging exorbitant rents they don’t need…

So your daughter admitted that she would be upset if you opened her presents to you without her there? So why did she open them?! Whose idea was it to open them before you got home?

I think YANBU. I'd be bloody raging and DH would know about it. He's been a lazy, selfish fuckwit and deserves a bollocking.

I hope you've left the wrapping paper. The lazy shits can tidy up after themselves.

Mildly annoying, but not worth getting really upset about. These kinds of things matter more to some people than others.

It's the sort of thing I used to get more upset about, but I think it's perhaps a symptom of me being a little controlling? I tend to plan things and want them to happen a certain way, and get annoyed if they don't....

But as (mildly) controlling behaviours like that are something I dislike in others, I have tried to work on not exhibiting them myself. As I know I sometimes do my loved ones heads in with this kind of thing.

Let it go now. Focus on enjoying the weekend and the nice things you have planned with your daughter! And if this is the worst stuff your husband does, he could be a lot worse .....

But I get it - you have gone to an effort, when you are not well anyway - it's normal to be mildly pissed off. But don't let it loom too large.

‘Fucking pathetic’ ‘obscene’
Are you always this dramatic? I would love to see what adjectives you use for a genuinely extreme situation!

ETA I see you have also thrown in ‘narcissist’ now 😏

I seriously don't think we have evidence that OP is a narcissist. Unless the word now means "person who has opinions on how they would like others to behave". i.e., 98% of the human race.

No, you’re not wrong to be upset. I’d like to think my DH would not do that.