AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

[Stepmumgreen]

I am a step-mum to two girls who moved in with my husband and me full-time 2 years ago after a 50/50 custody arrangement with their biological mother fell through. On the whole things have been fine as its no different to the 50/50 arrangement in that they have all their belongings here and their own individual bedrooms. I let my husband take the lead on discipline as I do not feel that is my place, but the only flaw is the bedtime arrangement
The eldest is 17 so I understand "bedtime" doesn't have to be enforced as such, but my husband and I get no alone tme whatsoever. She will stay up until we go to bed and then immediately retreat to bed herself when we do. Is it unreasonable for us to ask her to go to bed 30 minutes before we do purely for our own space so that we can catch up and reflect on our day without a teen listening in? We are not asking for them both to disappear for an extended time, just a 30 minute window at the end of the day to debrief.

Dh and I have the lounge to ourselves from 9ish most nights - unofficial but the kids are used to it. My dd 14 sometimes try to come and sit with us and we say it’s our time so she can’t. We do spend plenty of time together so I think it’s fair. and of course
she is off to bed soon anyway on a school night.

however, I think your situation is harder due to her age, step parent set up and you have no ground rules in place. I dont think I’d feel right asking her to leave at x o’clock and it might put her off sitting with you at all. instead I’d probably just go up to bed earlier, or find a time earlier in the evening to catch up. You’re not wrong to try to carve out a bit of time every day together.

YANBU! Totally not.
it should not be seen as a bedtime, just time to rest, read and get ready to sleep.
100% reasonable to ask a 17 year old to go to her room by 10pm.
My goodness, parents should have some rights in their own house.

Whether she is a step child or not, makes no difference.

My Mum and Dad always seemed happy to have me and db around, we had a bedtime when young obviously, and at 17 they would send me off to bed by 11 on a school night as I had A levels, but in the holidays I would be up late with my Dad as we were both night owls.
I’ve also never asked my teens to go to bed unless it’s a school night. My youngest is 19 now and she will go off to her room if she’s chatting to a friend, but otherwise she is with us, and my older one is at university but when home she is with us too. DH and I chat in bed but more often if we are in the car together. If we need to talk about one of the dc that is when we do it.
This is just family life. I like having my daughters around all the time, they are both great company and I’m aware that all too soon they will have left home.
If I want quiet time alone to read I just creep off to another room.

Go for a walk?

Exactly this

Or in the car - that’s what my late DH and I did when ours were teens.
If you marry someone who already has DC’s, you need to accept it. You cannot send them to their rooms, it’s their home too.

Whaaaat who is on this site?? It's totally reasonable for everyone in the house to need privacy. I'd be wanting a lot more than 30 minutes. Respectfully, while it is her home, it isn't her house and the parents/owners set the rules. She will be 18 soon and that's a normal age to be moving out (uni, work etc) so it's not like she's a 'child' - she should understand if you speak to her and let her know you'd like some privacy. I'd be asking for at least an hour before I went to bed. Most teens prefer to be in their rooms! I imagine you all spend time together as a family, so this is just about privacy.

LOL, I have no idea what to do then...my 12 years old always opens her ears wide when I am talking to her father, even in the kitchen for completely ordinary things. If she know we schedule time for private chats, she would be behind the door, listening

Give her a TV in her bedroom!

🤣🤣🤣

17-year-olds are not done growing and they also need to be alert to learn at school. Ideally they should be in bed with the lights out by ten. I don't see why you can't enforce a bedtime for someone who is still a child at school.

It’s nice that your SDD wants to spend time with you. I can’t imagine trying to enforce a bedtime on a young adult.

My 17 yr old DS has his own room downstairs where he plays music etc. and he never spends time with us in the evenings.

I usually go to bed around 11pm, his dad goes up about 12 and DS usually goes up by 1am.

I think adults need the lounge to themselves sometimes. I dont think it's unreasonable to say she needs to go to her room at say 10.30. She doesn't need to go to bed.

I do not think you are being unreasonable. You and your partner need to talk about this, come to an agreement or compromise. Take it to her as united front (unless the family doesn't already have that dynamic.) Give her power, let her have her say and all three of you come to an agreement or compromise together. You should all go to bed at a reasonable hour and get a reasonable amount of space. All whilst taking the household into consideration.

Your daughter deserves openness and honesty. Even if it does take her back a little to begin with, at 17 years old she should have a good understanding. She will see healthy relationships and attitudes, good communication, boundaries and compromise, (amongst other things) this will show her how healthy relationships and life work- Partner, child, colleague, whatever.

Nobody is doing anything wrong. You and your partner have set the rules, expectations and norms of the household, if they don't work for you all something needs to change.

Dishonest harmony is toxic and living in a way that's uncomfortable is going to end up in resentment one way or the other.

Currently sat sharing a slush with my 11 yo stepson so I can’t give any advice 🤣🤣 our ds and dd are in bed fast asleep as they are little. I think it’s quite sweet he still would rather be with us than stuck up in his room. It won’t be forever!

posted in wrong place by mistake

Damn wrong site!

I think blended families are different and it’s fine to acknowledge that, and make sure you have couple alone time, people on here are unreasonable to think that you should prioritize kids over your relationship 100% of the time, it’s not healthy. If you don’t resentment will build with all family members.

OP?

Put a tv in her room x

You’re being unreasonable. Teens stay up much later than middle aged parents. Talk in your bedroom.

That’s life with a 17 year old. She should spend time in her room occasionally too. Mine is like a ghost, she appears, she spends a lot of time in her bedroom but she never sleeps, we live in a small terrace so sex life can be impacted.

YABU

Lounge is communal family space. Go to your bedroom for privacy