AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

[Stepmumgreen]

I am a step-mum to two girls who moved in with my husband and me full-time 2 years ago after a 50/50 custody arrangement with their biological mother fell through. On the whole things have been fine as its no different to the 50/50 arrangement in that they have all their belongings here and their own individual bedrooms. I let my husband take the lead on discipline as I do not feel that is my place, but the only flaw is the bedtime arrangement
The eldest is 17 so I understand "bedtime" doesn't have to be enforced as such, but my husband and I get no alone tme whatsoever. She will stay up until we go to bed and then immediately retreat to bed herself when we do. Is it unreasonable for us to ask her to go to bed 30 minutes before we do purely for our own space so that we can catch up and reflect on our day without a teen listening in? We are not asking for them both to disappear for an extended time, just a 30 minute window at the end of the day to debrief.

I'm always in bed before my 17 year old. They are pretty nocturnal at that age.
Saying that mine is often out in the evenings, does she not have friends? a social life, go to the gym/hobbies?

I used to get annoyed when my own teenagers were in the same room as me.

I really need to know what these debriefs look like. I don't think we are doing marriage quite right as we don't need these private conversations each day. DD is 19 now but for years we have all chatted together about our days and we value her perspective on things and we like hearing her daily news. It is incredibly rare that one of us will have something that we cannot talk about in front of her.

Yeah this is a YABU. Shared spaces in the house are shared, have your private conversations in your bedroom. My DD is 15 and I can't fathom ever telling her that DH and I would like some alone time so she must make herself scarce. We go out alone often, and find plenty of time and space for private conversations without having to tell our DD to sod off and leave us alone, which is basically what you'd be doing. It would be really selfish, hurtful and unkind, and just... not what families do.

If you want to chat to DH why don't you both go into the dining room/kitchen for a cuppa or glass of wine?

I see it as the lounge is for Family and if someone wants a bit of private time they need to be somewhere else.

Could you go out for a walk or similar?
I do actually sympathise with the need for space but that has to be balanced against her needs.

Does she have hobbies or clubs?

Ermmm.

Just go to bed 30 minutes earlier?

I was wondering this @Nofeckingway

chat together

or if she goes up when you do. To go up 30mins earlier and debrief on the bed

If you want more alone time, go for a walk together after dinner. Assuming you are in the UK, now’s the perfect time of year for that.
Or as others suggest, adjust your own schedule. Go to bed earlier ; chat over the cooking etc.

Please just take this as a good sign; your step daughter feels comfortable with you and after whatever went wrong with her own mum, she wants some comfort from a ‘normal’ family interaction.

Poor kids.

Yeah. They were devastated.

What "debriefing" are you doing for 30 minutes every day, that is inappropriate for a teen to listen in to?

I think it's unusual for a 17 year old to want to spend every minute of her spare time in the family lounge. However this is a 17 year old whose gone through a lot of family turbulence. It seems to me that she just wants the reassurance of being round other and included. Chances are that once she gets more settled she will soon be spending more time doing her own thing (and, incidentally, does she not have study to do or friends to see?) Fine if you need to have a private conversation without her very occasionally. But not fine to insist she must go to bed early every day.

So is your stepdaughter sitting downstairs with you all evening? I think it's pretty unusual for a 17-year-old to want to do that - most teenagers spend a lot of their time in their own room. Doesn't she have, eg, a TV or a laptop in her room?

However, no, you can't enforce a bedtime for a 17-year-old in her own home just so that you and your husband can have a chat. You can do that in your own bedroom when you go to bed.

YABU I'm afraid. She's more or less an adult and this is her home.

How would you feel if your husband said to you that you needed to go and sit in your room for 30 minutes at a certain time so he could have one-on-one time with his daughter?

You can "debrief" in your bedroom, or you can organise to go out without her for a few hours, but considering you only have her half the time it shouldn't be that much effort to spend time with her when she is with you.

Yes it's unreasonable. But I so wish it wasn't. My 18 year old is always in the same room as us. We can never get away from her. We have snatched conversations when we get the chance and it's draining.

This. It is indeed unreasonable to ask a 17yr old to go to bed.

But I totally understand the dynamic here, and I can't think many people honestly enjoy other people's children/young adults (yet we all pretend this should happen) and I can understand why the OP feels the way she does.

Sounds like she wants / likes being with you? I agree with PPs, if you need your space then go up to bed earlier. At 17 I was out with my mates getting up to no good. Maybe she doesn’t have that circle and you are that safety net for her - I would firstly take that as a compliment and secondly I would be glad she’s not on a park bench somewhere downing (what used to be) £5 wine.

Thats what I thought. Or go out one evening?

It makes a change for a teen to actually want to spend their evenings downstairs, with their parents. Take it as a compliment. Most teens head straight to their rooms after dinner, not to be seen till the next morning!

What’s to talk about in your confidential daily debrief? Why can’t you chat in the privacy of your bedroom if needed?

There's no logical reason why a 17 year old should be in bed before you, sorry. If you want some time alone with your husband then maybe you should be the ones who go to bed early! or go out to the pub or a walk or sit in the garden...

Personally I think with teens it's not unreasonable to propose some kind of agreement that provides a degree of balance between family time and parents/DC having time to themselves without it having to be in their bedrooms every time. It's reasonable for the adults to sometimes use their bedroom for together time, but the tone across much of this thread seems to suggest that teens should never be asked to facilitate alone time for the parents, and to me that feels excessive.

I do agree it shouldn't be framed as 'bedtime' for someone in their late teens, but I'm quite surprised OP's daughter isn't wanting to spend some time in her room of her own volition tbh, if only to be able to watch/listen to her own stuff. I don't think it's so egregious for family members (teens included) to occasionally tell other family members they'd like the living room to themselves for one evening.

I was thinking this!

we have our own kids (ie not step kids) and our room is private space!
Would the OP feel the same /enforce this rule if it were her own kids?

Its her home.

Its a communal room.

She is too old for a bed time

She clearly likes being around you. Perhaps because the previous relationship with her mum has become more infrequent.

Debrief in your bedroom

I wonder if its because her mum has gone from having her 50% of the time to her dad having her all the time.

Might have left her feeling needy

@Laura95167 That might be it. Presumably something major happened two years ago that led to them living full-time with their Dad (although they may still visit their Mum), she may have been very unsettled by this.

I never did it that with my own kids, neither did my parents. But by 17/18 they/I wanted to spend either in own room or was out. I know you feel a bit squeezed, but it won't last forever. If its something really important, just say "can you give us some time dd?" And it is good that she wants to spend time with you.