AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

[Stepmumgreen]

I am a step-mum to two girls who moved in with my husband and me full-time 2 years ago after a 50/50 custody arrangement with their biological mother fell through. On the whole things have been fine as its no different to the 50/50 arrangement in that they have all their belongings here and their own individual bedrooms. I let my husband take the lead on discipline as I do not feel that is my place, but the only flaw is the bedtime arrangement
The eldest is 17 so I understand "bedtime" doesn't have to be enforced as such, but my husband and I get no alone tme whatsoever. She will stay up until we go to bed and then immediately retreat to bed herself when we do. Is it unreasonable for us to ask her to go to bed 30 minutes before we do purely for our own space so that we can catch up and reflect on our day without a teen listening in? We are not asking for them both to disappear for an extended time, just a 30 minute window at the end of the day to debrief.

Dd1 is 18 and likes to hang out with us. If we want alone time we’ll go on a date (we don’t call it that but we’ll go for a meal or a country pub for a drink). She’ll be going to uni soon so it’s temporary and it’s important she feels welcome in her own home. Occasionally saying dad and I want to watch a film together is fine but not regularly.

I should add that my DD always gets suspicious if we are particularly trying “to get rid” of her and then goes to bed even later.

YABVU

yes! It’s like they know it might be romantic time and of course that’s gross and must be stopped at all costs. Because parents only ever have see to conceive them and their siblings 😅

@Arlanymor their lounge had their tv, gaming computers, board games etc in it because in this house we wanted bedrooms to be a relaxing sleeping place, no tech. So either they are going to their bedrooms with books or they are in their own space with their tech.

But even if you are asking a child to not be in the lounge after a certain time a few nights a week it is hardly sending them down to the prison cells. There isn't just one tv in the house and this isn't the early 80s with 3 tv channels.

They have laptops and phones for music, contacting friends, watching streaming stuff. I am sure if the girl had a boyfriend they would not be sitting in the lounge with her parent and step parent all evening. It isn't unreasonable to have a conversation.

OP is she engaging with you when you’re all sitting in the same room?
I don’t have the same situation but I do understand wanting some down time when there won’t be any demands from a child (little or nearly adult). So I’ll spend time with DS 17, then at about 10pm tell him (in a light hearted way) that I’m going off duty, putting my headphones in and getting on with stuff. Obv he can do what he wants but I don’t see any harm in letting him know that I need some adult time to myself at the end of the day.

So in no way comparable to this situation where, as far as we know, there is one lounge - which was my point which you either missed by a country mile or just wanted an excuse to list your largesse. Let's give you the benefit of the doubt and say the former.

The front room and kitchen are family rooms.

If you want alone time go to your bedroom or go out just the 2 of you.

You ban a 17yo from the front room after a certain time.

Personally I would just go to bed a bit earlier to have a chat

Yes yabu. How does she know when you want to go to bed so she goes 30min earlier? Its her home too

@Arlanymor we converted a garage into a playroom when they were toddlers to give them a playroom. This is now a second lounge. It feels like it has a weird vibe to say "playroom" for a teen. I didn't say one of the 9 bedrooms has been given over to the children. and no I don't have 9 bedrooms.

The point was that the lounge used to be the most important place in a house because it had the tv, the epitome of entertainment. We never had an extra tv when I was growing up, just the rented one in the lounge that my parents completely controlled.

Now most teens of 17 will have a smartphone plus usually a tablet or a laptop. These things are usually what they are glued to and complained about on here a lot. Considering they will be home from school usually by 4.30pm, being asked not to be in the lounge for an hour or so a few nights a week is not a punishment. They have a lot of entertainment at their fingertips, they are not being asked to face a blank wall for 2 hours.

Not at all , not my step kids but my oldest are a autistic 23 year old and my 10 year old girl and I often ask them to leve me and dad alone , they have their bedrooms or a play room and it’s tv sofa etc they can go to . Adults need alone time and there is nil wrong with letting kids know that .

You get your alone time in a private area, you know, your bedroom, not in the common areas of the home.

Very unreasonable. 🙄

I think you are reasonable

This is why discipline and common sense is out of the window with approaches mentioned above to pander to kids these days

What you want isn’t abusive or harmful so just proceed with it

You're just rattling on about wealth now - not sure why you are quoting me. You're derailing the thread and coming across as boastful into the mix. Either help with the issue or save the showing off for another thread where you can all rub one another's bellies. This whole 'blank wall' stuff is very, very telling of you.

We use our bedroom for that.
My step kids used to go to bed at 3am I did have to stop that as it disrupts the house and keeps others awake. So now they go to bed at 11 which I still think is too late for kids 14 and under but at their other house there is zero rules so I'm lucky to have anything enforced really.

I retreat to my bedroom with my partner after dinner for privacy.

Just go up to bed half and hour earlier and talk in bed.

We do this too. Have 3 teens and they all get sent up at 9.30 so we can still sit and chat for an hour before bed. They don’t mind at all.

I find that the only time my DD wants to sit downstairs rather than in her own room is when she’s having friends issues and needs our company. We never mention it as it may only last a week or two then she’s back to her room chatting to friends all evening.

Your SD may be lonely at the moment and needs your company. No don’t ask her to leave. Talk in your bedroom.

she is possibly frightened of missing anything

What time do you have dinner?

11pm is very late for 14 and under. They must be exhausted at school.

Also with late teens, you and your Dh can go out for a coffee or a drive or a walk in the evenings. Or on a weekend. Then you catch up then.

My dc are younger teens and in the driving around to activities til 9pm phase of life. I honestly can’t tell you the last time Dh and I actually sat and had a prolonged conversation. 😂 It may have been when we last went out for a meal together, which was probably about 14 months ago!

You can’t send a virtual adult to bed…

Look at it a different way - they want to stay up with you so obviously they enjoy being with you. You won’t find many people that age wanting to do that.

It’s her home - debrief in your room.

I can imagine there’s a shedload of trauma surrounding the custody agreement falling through and even though I do see where you’re coming from, to a teenager you telling them to go to bed and leave you alone could present as another form of rejection.

Would it be OK for her to send you to bed early, so she could have some quality time alone with her Dad?