AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

[Stepmumgreen]

I am a step-mum to two girls who moved in with my husband and me full-time 2 years ago after a 50/50 custody arrangement with their biological mother fell through. On the whole things have been fine as its no different to the 50/50 arrangement in that they have all their belongings here and their own individual bedrooms. I let my husband take the lead on discipline as I do not feel that is my place, but the only flaw is the bedtime arrangement
The eldest is 17 so I understand "bedtime" doesn't have to be enforced as such, but my husband and I get no alone tme whatsoever. She will stay up until we go to bed and then immediately retreat to bed herself when we do. Is it unreasonable for us to ask her to go to bed 30 minutes before we do purely for our own space so that we can catch up and reflect on our day without a teen listening in? We are not asking for them both to disappear for an extended time, just a 30 minute window at the end of the day to debrief.

Very odd. Family life is such. Teenagers stay up. And no you cannot ask them to go to bed at a predetermined time.
Did your parents do that with you I wonder ?

Go for an evening walk or do the dishes together. Presumably the 17yo goes out occasionally. Its her home too.

I suggest putting a TV in your bedroom and going to bed when you want to be alone. Put the TV on, close your door and have your private discussions. 17 is too old for a bed time.

YABVU. You should retire to your bedroom if you want a child-free debrief.
She’s 17, it’s her home, she should be allowed to be in her home space as late as she wants.

Yes, you can’t do this.

You are insane to only want 30 minutes. It's your house. She's a child. When she moves out (next year?) she can stay up all she likes. 9pm she should be in her own room; can she watch TV in her own room? Of course she can; like she doesn't have a laptop, at least! You need TIME for yourself. I'm very alarmed and worried that you are in this situation. NO WAY would I let my DCs be in the living room still after 9pm. That's MY/OUR time.

Check your bedroom soundproofing - there's a possibility she's heard you doing sexual stuff and is keeping you up so you'll be too tired for it so she doesn't have to listen to it again.

But no, you can't send her to bed, unless there's something in your settling the house down for the night routine she can't do or gets wrong like leaving a hob on or an external door unlocked. If she was keeping you awake it'd be reasonable to require her to be quiet enough that others can sleep.

Go to bed earlier yourselves into a nicely soundproofed room so you can talk privately.

A bit odd a 17 year old wants to hang out with you. Normally cant get a 17 year old out of their bedroom.
Have your conversation another place or time or in front of her. Dont ask her to go to bed cos you want a chat. Thats very weird.

I think she's afraid of missing out on #whatever if she goes to her room before you do? And put extremely : she might feel excluded if you ask her to leave you and her father alone for 30 minutes in the livingroom. I don't know, maybe just explain to her whý you would like for her to retreat to her room a bit earlier?

If your bedroom is big enough, I would set it up so that there is space for you to sit comfortably and chat there.

I'm wondering how nice the 17 yo's bedroom is, that she doesn't seem to want to spend much time there.

So if she was say… 25 and still living with you would you expect her to go to bed 30 mins before you??? You are being unreasonable. Why don’t you go earlier and talk to your husband in bed.. ?

You have options if you want the opportunity to chat privately
Go out for a walk
go sit in the garden
go out for a coffee or to the pub
go to your bedroom

But it's her home too, She's either chosen or been dumped with a situation where her mum isn't there for her. It would be pretty awful for her emotionally if her dad and you make her feel uncomfortable, unwelcome and unwanted in her home

You and your husband could easily have time together by going to bed earlier yourselves.

Yes as others have suggested - this wouldn’t happen if you were both biological parents with a 17 year old, so shouldn’t as step parents. I’d just go to bed earlier/ watch tv on laptop if needed if you don’t want company

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Can't she disappear to her room for hours like every other teenager lol? Seriously though, it's not too much to ask that you have a bit of time together

Gosh, I only had one and I wish I had had that problem - she was always out or at home in her room chatting to friends. We were too dull to spend the evening with, there were always many better things for her to do with her time after supper!

So weird. Isn’t that what her bedtime is for. This is why blended families suck more often than not. If you were her mum it’s unlikely you’d be pushing her to go bed early.

Trust me you only have a couple of years until she decides it’s not cool to hang out with toy anymore - hopefully her dad is appreciating it while he can!

Yabu. It’s her home. You can debrief in your bedroom if you can’t do it in her presence.

I'm in my 60s and I think if my parents had asked us to leave the room it would have been something serious happening. Can't ever remember it happening. We didn't hang out in our rooms either as the only TV was in living room.

At 15, I'll just say "I'm off to bed, night" and tell them what I've done or what needs doing.

I'll only enforce a bed time when I know they're up early for something, and it'll be a strong suggestion.

She practically an adult, you can’t tell her to go to bed. If you and your husband want privacy go to your own room earlier.

Of course that's unreasonable, it's her home too. If you want alone time, use your bedroom instead of the living room which is a shared space for everyone to enjoy.

A 17 year old doesn’t get a bedtime from their parents. Have your debrief jn your room

This is completely normal as regards bed time at her age.

She doesn't have to go to her room but she also doesn't need to be in the same room as you.

If you're having a cuppa in the kitchen together send her to watch tv in the sitting room. If you want to chat together in the sitting room but she wants to watch tv, get a second set for the kitchen.

Where do these entitled teens come from? Im only 41 but we were often expected to leave our parents in peace of an evening when I was that age, everyone I know had a second tv in another downstairs room and teens were dispatched off from time to time to allow adults some privacy to talk.