AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

[Stepmumgreen]

I am a step-mum to two girls who moved in with my husband and me full-time 2 years ago after a 50/50 custody arrangement with their biological mother fell through. On the whole things have been fine as its no different to the 50/50 arrangement in that they have all their belongings here and their own individual bedrooms. I let my husband take the lead on discipline as I do not feel that is my place, but the only flaw is the bedtime arrangement
The eldest is 17 so I understand "bedtime" doesn't have to be enforced as such, but my husband and I get no alone tme whatsoever. She will stay up until we go to bed and then immediately retreat to bed herself when we do. Is it unreasonable for us to ask her to go to bed 30 minutes before we do purely for our own space so that we can catch up and reflect on our day without a teen listening in? We are not asking for them both to disappear for an extended time, just a 30 minute window at the end of the day to debrief.

I don't think it's awful to have some sort of very rough agreement. DS nominally goes up around 10pm but in practice it is flexible. However telling her to go to bed now so you can have your 30 mins without her is a bit rubbish, and in a blended family you should be careful it doesn't turn into some sort of territory war over your DH's time.

We have found we get our adult chats and our choice of TV programmes in earlier in the evening now, mainly straight after dinner.

Consider putting a TV or monitor in her room and/or your own. It's nice when they are little to have just the one TV but if you are feeling a bit cramped in, make more use of the bedrooms in waking hours.

Do you not have another room?
At 17 she must go out some evenings.

but my husband and I get no alone time whatsoever

Go to your bedroom?
Go on a date night?
Book a weekend away at a spa/hotel?

Why did you marry a man who has children if you’re annoyed by his children being in the same room as you?

It's fine. She takes two hours to get ready for bed so it works for her. She is still in education so she needs to get to bed at a decent time. And are isn't an adult for over a year.

My parents had a rule that every child had to be off the ground floor by 8 pm. This rule continued even when I returned home from university during the holidays.
I hated it. It made me feel so unwelcome, as if I wasn't really a member of the family. Or rather, as if the family was mum and dad and the children were an unwelcome addition. They were odd people. As children, we always felt like an unwanted burden.
This wasn't helped by the fact that my room was a tiny box-room and I didn't have access to a tv or a computer. I spent a lot of nights lying on my bed, reading a book.
The fact that this is your step-daughter is likely to make this particularly hurt her.

They don't need to "skulk" in their room. They can choose between enjoying communal spaces in the home, having private time in individual spaces, or go out for a walk or a drink/dessert together.

But they don't get to force other people in the home to hide in their room, either. Using a bedtime for this with a 17 year-old is an example of being controlling rather than establishing boundaries or parenting.

Oh yeah all they do is play the play station or ipads.
That's all they do at their other house and all they've been brought up doing as their mother is a massive gamer.
Not how my kids were raised but it's not my business, I just have to tolerate it in my home every fortnight, I was lucky to get the slight routine I got. But it's one of the reasons they'll never come more than every second weekend.

Anyhow that's all beside the point, response to the OP was to use their bedroom for a chat. We do have an amazing large room with everything in it so that helps the isolating every fortnight.

Surely everyone can take turns using the common room? Asking someone to leave you alone is perfectly reasonable, asking someone to go to bed is not. If there are certain nights when you and dh have alone time in a room and no kids allowed I think that's fair. On some nights she gets the room and controls the TV and you guys can go out or hang out upstairs. Then the remaining nights you hang out as a family.

A teen who wants to around and social is a positive.
When you need a 'debrief' go into another room.

Why ? It’s our living room it’s alway been where adults are , they can be here often but they also have their own , I ask them to leave several times , if I’m seeing tv that is not appropriate, if I need peace and quiet , if I’m on the phone . It’s a big enough house they can go elsewhere . There is it nothing wrong in needing relax time in the living room . No wonder kids have no resilience , people are so scared of offending them 🙄

Is she spending every evening with you in the living room? Strange. I barely see my teens from one day to the next!

I don't think it's unreasonable to tell the children - no matter how old - that you want to spend some time together so can they entertain themselves in their room. I regularly did this in our old house where we only had one common room.

Obviously this is different with step children, but they live with their father who can say this to them.

2 hours! That is some crazy bedtime routine.

You can't ask a 17 Yr old to go to bed ! I'd been working for 2 years and was engaged . It was the 60s so things have changed I guess . I'd just retreat to your bedroom for alone time .

Found this hard as a parent, must be a million times harder as a step parent. But it’s U to restrict older teens in this way, better to find creative ways to get time alone.

It is!!

Take turns sitting in the living room?

Fucking hell 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m grateful my family weren’t as batshit as this.

It sounds really odd to me, when people suggest asking teenagers to leave the room so you can have some alone time! That’s what bedrooms are for. How would you feel if you were at your parents’ house, thinking you were having a nice time, and they suddenly announced that they wanted you to leave, as they’d had enough of you for now? That’s not how most families, or indeed adult interactions, work!

If my husband and I want time alone, we go to our bedroom. I can’t imagine telling our 17 yo that she can’t have free access to the common spaces in our home.

I find this to be a strange suggestion. To me, it says a lot about whose home you consider it to be. Debrief with your husband in the privacy of your bedroom?

I'm intrigued to know what kind of things do you need to talk about on a regular basis that is so private . She is part of your family and I can't imagine telling my DS or my DD in their late teens to get lost so we can be alone .

Anything that important you can talk about it when you are by yourselves like on your bedroom . Or you can out for a drink or a walk, etc. I personally don't know any family that asks their DCs to vacate a room in order to discuss anything . Is it because it's your DSD that you don't want to include her .

@Stepmumgreen how is your DSD when she is with you on an evening? Is she chatting, engaged, part of the family, or is she sullen and on her phone ignoring everyone?

I'm not actually sure why I'm asking because my answer is the same either way. You can't send her to her room if her only fault is you want time alone with your DH.You need to find space for that.

If she is being pleasant and engaged then try and enjoy her company. If she is being sullen then maybe there is a space for you to explore if she wants to be with you or just not in her room. You could find a different space in the house for you and DH but not if her aim is to be a family with you and you are literally blanking her and moving to another room.

I have read threads tonight about teenage children who a violent and destructive. Your DSD sounds like she just wants to be treated like an adult in the family rather than a child.

Maybe go to bed 15 minutes earlier? Do you really need 30 minutes to talk to your DH EVERY night??? 😄

Wow, poor kid 😔

Yes YABU. She’s 17 and you can’t dictate a bedtime and you raising the issue would make her feel uncomfortable and unwanted in her own home.

if you want to be alone go up to your room or go out on a date.

Yes, unfortunately you are being unreasonable. She’s 17 and you are sharing a home. My 13 and 15 year olds are off to bed at the same time as us now so you will need to find your adult time elsewhere.

I don't think you are unreasonable to want some private time downstairs, but it is up to your OH to ask. I would also arrange some after work drinks or date nights. The 17 year old is old enough to babysit.

I think is she was biologically yours, people wouldn't have an issue with it