AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

[Stepmumgreen]

I am a step-mum to two girls who moved in with my husband and me full-time 2 years ago after a 50/50 custody arrangement with their biological mother fell through. On the whole things have been fine as its no different to the 50/50 arrangement in that they have all their belongings here and their own individual bedrooms. I let my husband take the lead on discipline as I do not feel that is my place, but the only flaw is the bedtime arrangement
The eldest is 17 so I understand "bedtime" doesn't have to be enforced as such, but my husband and I get no alone tme whatsoever. She will stay up until we go to bed and then immediately retreat to bed herself when we do. Is it unreasonable for us to ask her to go to bed 30 minutes before we do purely for our own space so that we can catch up and reflect on our day without a teen listening in? We are not asking for them both to disappear for an extended time, just a 30 minute window at the end of the day to debrief.

6ish. Not sure why that matters.
But they use game systems downstairs so we head up to watch something in our room or chat for alone time.
He heads down to send them to bed at 11 though most nights I'm sure they don't sleep then.

@Stepmumgreen do you have a dog? It’s great to go on long dog walks as a couple. We do this through the woods a couple of times a week and even though we invite the teenagers to join us they always say no and we’re secretly pleased. It’s so peaceful and has now become our ‘couple time’ to chat about anything we like uninterrupted.

Ofcourse, you don’t need a dog to do this but it helps keep to the routine of it as he needs walking daily anyway.

If adults need time alone then they can go to their own bedroom or go out - they don’t ban others from the communal rooms.

@Tableforjoan Nothing romantic she thinks something has happened and we are not telling her e.g college called with a complaint

What used to be the pattern at this age in our house was that we went up to bed, because we were knackered, and left the teens downstairs! It’s a bit precious to expect your teens to vacate certain areas of their own home in order to give you ‘adult time’. All that self-indulgent stuff tends to go out of the window as soon as you have a baby, not to see the light of day until they move out. Let them be. You’ll miss them when they’re at uni!

I suppose if you only have one screen downstairs and the kids are using it, it’s understandable to retreat to upstairs to watch something.

It just seems a bit odd that them being 14 and under they have no adult interaction for 5 hours each evening.

Im a bit jealous as mine stay in their room.
But I can see both sides. Bit suffocating to always have dc in the room.
Is she a bit anxious or not have many friends since moving in ft?

There was another thread very similar to this a while back and from memory there the consensus was that in a non-blended family this would not be the norm and parents would find space and time to talk without officially removing the teen. Maybe very occasionally - once or twice in all my childhood - my parents might have said they needed to discuss something important and asked us to go away, but every night is honestly horrible.

What do you need to talk about that a 17 year old can't hear ? I would never dream of asking our DD to go bed earlier ? She's 18 now and it wouldnt have crossed my mind.
She wants to be around you both and have company hence goes to bed when you do.

I feel like the obvious solution is for you both to retreat to your bedroom earlier.

What about going out for an evening walk and perhaps a quick drink a couple of times a week to have a catch-up? At 17, your DSD is old enough to babysit her sibling if they're younger - although I'm guessing that they're also a teenager so probably don't need babysitting at all.

DH and I do this, and DS (17) is quite happy to be home alone for an hour. When DD (20) was at home and DS was early teens, she was in charge. We just went for a walk and chatted, occasionally stopping for a beverage too :-).

Ha Ha - a 17 yo old doesn’t have a bedtime or an expectation to go up to bed at any given time.

It’s really common for teens that age to stay up later than their parents. I can hear mine getting ready for bed, in and out of the bathroom now, and I’m up in my room (attic) doing likewise.

If you and your H want alone time, you go up to bed yourselves.

I do think 11 pm is late for under 14.

My 12 goes to bed at 9 when he doesn’t have a hobby that day, 9.30 ish if he does. But he has to get up at 6.30 for school so wouldn’t get enough sleep otherwise.

17 can make up her own mind but she apparently goes to bed much earlier than her peers because she wants to (as I say, I can hear her going to bed now!)

Any teen, yours or his, will go to bed (or certainly to sleep) after you. They have far fewer demands on their time so they. And it will get worse until they move out. Better to get used to it now because soon you will be in a house share with two adults.

I never did. Was bored if I was alone!

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Just echoing others - why can’t you debrief in your room? Do you mean because she goes to bed when you do so she’ll hear you talking and you would rather she was upstairs so you can talk downstairs? Can you not just talk quietly?

That’s not how families work. If people want private conversations, they go to their private spaces to have them.

Why can’t you go to your bedroom thirty minutes earlier and talk in bed?

Yes! I’d like mine to go earlier but at 15, 19 and 20 I wouldn’t ask them to!

debrief and watch tv in bed so go up earlier

my friend has teens and she goes to bed early quite often but she plays hide the sausage aka sex

I spent more time with my family than the teenager stereotypes - I liked my family including my parents and we had a laugh. There wasn’t really anything to do in my room!

You need to reassess this soon. She is so nearly an adult.

Why should grown adults have to skulk in their bedroom? Not everything in a household has to revolve around one's (step)children.

This wholeheartedly!! Tell her to go to bed so you can have alone time? She’s 17 for goodness sake

One day she’ll be gone and you’ll wonder why she never comes to visit.