To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

You sound so exhausted- I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to parent two autistic DC with such challenging behaviour.
My DC had their challenges with their mental health (probably undiagnosed ND, but they are adults now).
Can you ever get a break for yourself/respite/your dh look after them while you go for a coffee etc. what help has been put in place?

I have nothing helpful to add here but I'm sending you love, OP. And an 'unmumsnetty' squeeze.

"No wonder he is unhappy - he sure can feel his mum sees him as a failure and does not like him...Poor poor boy.
You need to pull yourself together. No good moaning ..."

JFC @localnotail Is that your idea of a pep talk? Maybe you thought you were giving good advice but what you've written is so judgmental that it's offensive.
🤦‍♀️

Do you get any respite support? Sounds like you need a break before the situation breaks you.

You do not deserve a kicking, you deserve a medal.

If you work in a SEN school you surely must be aware its not a one size fits all solution nor is it a guranteed and simple proces to get respite ?

To be honest OP I’d be leaving your husband. He sounds awful. Leave and get at least a 50% break.

Have you and your dh ever looked into getting tested as ADHD/autism is a genetic condition
Also lots of women have been diagnosed with depression, got prescribed anti depressants that don’t work.
When they are diagnosed ADHD and take the meds, they realise that they never had depression in the first place

Could you maybe use the bungalow as an escape for a couple of days and nights each week. Or if that is too close to home maybe renting a small studio for you or your dh to go to on a regular basis just to get out of the house and out of being a parent. Where for a couple of days each week you learn to be you again

Firstly it might make your dh more aware of the limitations that both your dc face.
Secondly, I don’t think he appreciates the work involved in raising your DS’s. I think the drop offs and collecting is really just fiddling round the edges. I know he takes an interest in what they do but it doesn’t show him the battle with paperwork and educators who are trying to deny your child an appropriate education.
Thirdly you need time off otherwise you are going to get ill. The stress you are under isn’t doing yourself or your dh or dc any good.

Have you looked into going back to work and being the main earner. Would that be a possibility

FWIW I have 2 ND children. Both have ADHD (as do I. 9/9 in all areas of ADHD and Autism)
Before I realised that my struggles were because of ADHD I watched as my DS struggle with primary school and then crashing out of secondary school.
I tried to find my DS an appropriate school.
He quite clearly had ADHD. But wasn’t diagnosed. He needed a school that was between the comprehensive (which he couldn’t cope with) and the special schools.
(which weren’t appropriate)

I asked the local and county wide education authority, I asked in different forums, I googled and was met with a No.Doest exist.
In the end I gave up work and home schooled him.

During Covid dd took on work as an agency TA and for 1 week worked at the exact school that I described to the EA and was told didn’t exist.
Your description of eldest DS sounds exactly like the pupils in the school.
If pupils get overwhelmed in class they just inform the teacher they are going outside the classroom to walk around for a while.
A lot of the children had their own specialised interests they were encouraged to talk about and work on.
Dd said DS would have thrived in such a school.

I know this might not be what you want to hear right now but parenting is so much harder if you think of it in terms of what you get back out of it. It is normal nowadays for kids to want to grow up and leave their parents, to be unable or unwilling to care for us in old age, and in the end to give very little back for all we have sacrificed. I try not to expect anything from my children in that regard - it’s an expectation that will likely lead to disappointment and a reward that would come with great delay.

Instead I try to think of parenting as something I give to myself. When I give something to my child, I’m allowing myself to feel the love I never felt myself growing up - allbeit from a different perspective. If they are being shitty, which all people can be, by handling that im giving myself the gift of resilience. That way, mentally, I can find something Instant to grab onto as to why it’s worth it.

But your situation sounds especially hard. I guess you can always reframe it as this is still a choice. Every day you choose to stay, not leave. Although you were pressured, you chose to be a parent. Owning those choices might make you feel more in control. Put the Option of leaving as something realistic on the table and see how you really feel about it.

Firstly you and your husband need a break.
Do whatever is required to make one happen.

Whilst on your break, spend 1hr a day making a plan of how you can improve things at home.
Cleaner, some more childcare, whatever it is that would help you. Make a Plan A, and then make a plan B of secondary ideas you could implement IF you needed even more change.

The way things are now doesn’t have to be how they stay xxxx
big hug for you xxx

Wanted to add you have some serious resilience and strength @thegreenlight
It might not feel like that to you, but you do. Many people would not be able to have done the things you have done, for so long.
You underestimate yourself x

It’s just that my life HAS to be for them. They can’t cope at clubs, being looked after by others, can’t go to other people’s houses. My mum lives with us (in an annex) but doesn’t like having to look after them so we never get a break DEFINITELY never over night. My husband is amazing - he really is but he doesn’t feel their difficulties as keenly and never sees other children so doesn’t understand how different our two are. It’s a bit like boiling a frog. He does try to parent them like NT children and it’s not always helpful. I’m in the final stretch of getting my eldest out of a school that is not supporting him and then the fight for the youngest starts. I just wish we had some normality but our normal is very different. And lonely. And exhausting. We will only get time alone when they leave in my husband’s eyes. I think that’s what he’s getting at.

Also, I work full time. I changed career to give myself more bandwidth for the boys as teaching was so all encompassing but it’s not actually helped. That is why my husband now has to do drop offs and pick ups and we struggle with holidays now so I obviously made the wrong choice (as usual).

I wish there was anything any of us could do to help. I hope it's helping venting in a (largely!) safe space.

@pragmatismuniversalsentimentalist feel better now? Superior?

You very much did want to drive the knife in and I’d suggest you spend as much time thinking what that says about the type of person you are than asking OP to blame herself, couched in ‘helpful advice’.

@thegreenlight you sound exhausted and worn down and no one with a shred of humanity would blame you.

You need support, and a break. I have to disagree that your husband is an amazing dad. A good dad would be in the trenches with you in finding support, filling the forms, sharing the soul crushing grind of the admin that comes with having SEND children in need of support.
School pick up and drop off, making costumes, ‘helping out’, refusing to acknowledge their ND is not amazing parenting. He wanted the kids, he needs to now step up to where you are to share the load. He also needs to give his head a wobble and stop with the ‘they will leave home and it will all be fine’. Even NT children are not leaving home at the same rate any more due to housing costs.

He doesn’t have the luxury of denial.

He also is the one most likely to walk away and leave you in the shit when reality hits.
You need to dig deep and have a very blunt and honest chat. You can’t continue running on empty like this and he needs to take as much responsibility as you’ve been carrying.

Good luck. I hope things get better.

This whole thread has had me in tears. I understand op, the feelings, all of it. I've got a severely autistic non verbal, incontinent 7 year old. I love him so much, but it's high alert all the time, constant fight or flight. I worry about what will happen when my DH and I die. I can't see the path in front so I try to focus on day to day but it's hard.

The autism comes from my DH side. I remember internally worrying about what would happen if we had children as I could see what it was like for his relatives with their adult severely autistic daughter and also a cousin and his DB is autistic too, albeit milder, would have probably been Asperger's back in the day.

My DH parents never got his brother diagnosed so he is in his 40s with no clue he has needs. But he does, and needs support with things. He still lives with my mil. Yet DH brother is able to hold down a job and has friends, albeit a small number. If our son grew up like his uncle I'd be happy but I don't see him ever being able to live independently. It's heartbreaking but I'm also angry. Then I feel guilty for feeling angry.

I see friends with all the usual stuff, the scouts weekends away, football clubs, friends, sleepovers, abroad holidays, school sports days, their wee friendships, and I wish with all my heart that was our life. I watch friends' and even strangers' 7 year olds talking away, playing, reading, writing, going to the toilet, all stuff that just "is" with most children. It's bloody hard not to wish that your child is doing all that, I grieve for the child I imagined sometimes. I'm looking into getting counselling tbh as since my mum died my feelings have got worse, I think I need to let it all out. Hopefully you can do the same. X❤️

And thats the thing when you have disabled children your life isnt normal
My son is 16 now and is severly autstic non verbal etc
Our life is very different to most peoples lives
I had ti give up comparing our life years ago for the sake of my own mental health
What helped me was meeting people in a similar situation to us as they are the only peoole who understand .

You are an absolute saint, a very brave woman and a great mum. Are there any support groups near you where you can meet others in the same situation?

I know life is hard even harder in your situation!
Just please remember thou their children they didn't ask for this either !
Imagine how they feel because even thou they have problems they will still have feelings and pick up on how your feeling 💕

OP, you and your husband sound like wonderful parents and your children are lucky to have you. Your husband’s comment sounds well-meant to me, like “when the children grow up and leave, we can relax and be happy together again”. Optimistic, but showing his love for you.

I hope there is a happier future ahead for all of you.

I just want to give you a hug OP. We have two children, only one has needs (pretty severe, in a special school) but it breaks my heart that they know what they miss out on/can’t do and we are in the depths of mental health difficulties….
I work 80% and that has been my saviour and respite because it distracts my mind from
the stress and worry. And going to the gym is non negotiable (mummy needs to get herself into the green zone!). But I have to employ expensive carers to cover after school and holiday hours as my child can’t do clubs. If funds allow can you find someone who might help for a few hours a week? Previously we’ve found students, ex TAs from SEN schools etc.

I had the same feeling today - after both girls stormed out. One in a huff because I reminded her to take sanity towels, the other because I gave her my posh suncream to take.
I just thought - Im running around and these spoilt little brats can't even pretend to be nice!

That all sounds so very hard, OP. I have no words of advice but just wanted to say, I hear you, and really hope and pray things get better for you

FWIW I never looked at parenting my children the NT way.
If anything my mother (most likely ND) would compare me to my NT peers and expect a NT response from me if anything happened and thought that by screaming at me I was suddenly going to turn into this NT child.
It made me parent the exact opposite to her

I think to some extent comparing what you don’t have with what you do is not doing you any good
I think looking at what dc are interested in and are good at and teaching/parenting them accordingly will get better results for everyone.

I think we sometimes try to shield children from the truth
eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful

I think a calm discussion about the differences between NT and ND and how sometimes you have to behave in a certain way, say please and thank you and “mask” to fit in. It’s exhausting and confusing. Sometimes it’s better to not say anything than to say something that will annoy someone and it’s about keeping the peace and getting through the day
I used to have long discussions with dc about what could have been done or said differently if they found people or things stressful.
It helped because when they came across a similar scenario they recognised the situation and would come home feeling proud because they had replied with an appropriate response and not the comment that was on the tip of their tongue and noted that no one had been angry with them.

People might think this isn’t appropriate but a discussion on how it’s a game he needs to learn to play. Going through different responses to different scenarios as they come up.
There will be errors and mistakes along the way and a lot of situations that make their teeth itch but it’s about fitting in and not annoying people to get what they want.
Eventually they will meet people who do understand them but until then it’s about playing the NT game.

Please see a GP. See a very good, reputable therapist weekly to process some of this stuff and to get support going forward.
Access any scrap of support you can. Get a cleaner for a start. Book a break.

Many parents wish they had never had children, the rosey picture is not true.