To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

I've skipped to the end and haven't read much. I have autistic children and I'm autistic myself (diagnosed as an adult). Life is hard being autistic and I have a life time of trauma of trying to fit into a ND world. There is a grief involved parenting ND kids. You have to kind of throw everything you knew, or thought you knew away. And it's OK to grieve that. Simple things for me as the hardest, like I can't just make my son breakfast, lunch or dinner easily, he has ARFID and pretty much eats like a bird. I see other children wolfing down meals and think gosh imagine what they feels like! What has helped for me is home educating my child and parenting the child i have in front of me, not a version that has to try and fit into a school system, not a future version, just the child right here right now. No fighting a system so I no longer have that exhaustion, we can live life on our terms. I have 2 older children too who are now 19 and 20 but I'll be writing all day if I tell you all about them. But they are doing OK, and actually are slowly becoming more and more independent and yes I am proud of them. Not the normal things. But when my daughter goes out on her own to get her nails done, my heart melts, as for a long time she couldn't manage that and I couldn't imagine a time she would ever leave the house alone. I send you solidarity as it is hard, and it's OK to not enjoy being a mum, grieve the version of mum hood and the version of your kids you thought you'd have. But meet everyone where they are at now. And I know it's not easy.

I think it’s sad but understandable that’s the way she feels. I wouldn’t call it terrible. She’s just being honest. Tbh they should never have had kids. I’m against people who don’t want kids having them for their partners sake.

I have a friend who at age 37 left her partner as he wanted kids after claiming he didn’t want them for over ten years. He thought he could change her mind clearly but she said hell no.

I have a lot of respect for her and think more women should be this way since they are the ones who end up being the default parent it’s especially important they actively want kids .

Wish these kind of perspectives were talked about more in society so people had their eyes open a bit more before making the decision to have kids or not. I have so much sympathy for mothers who feel this way.

Let’s face it ,the fathers just walk away when they feel like that but the mothers who feel like this and keep going - I have sympathy for.

I don’t have kids and don’t know if I will,
but as a former educator I saw so many parents both adopted and bio parents who clearly regretted their decision. They may have thought they hid it but they didn’t and it impacted the children, it’s just sad all around. I want better for the kids.

I think what you describe is sensible, practical and realistic. And not deserving of any criticism at all.

My disabled son is nearly 33 and now lives 'independently'.

I've been in weekly f2f therapy for 7 years - and counting, probably will never be out of therapy, same therapist. I'm not 100% sure that people grasp the level of trauma you have to live with day-in-day-out when you have disabled children.

My life was joyless. One damn thing after another. No light at the end of the tunnel. I'm now diagnosed with CPTSD.

I've found therapy really helpful. It's taken so long to try and unpick what's going on for me. Survival mode does something to you. BUT my husband also did something really good for us, he found a babysitter when the kids were younger and we used to have date night once a week. I remember for the first year just staring at him across various tables thinking 'who the hell are you?' Took time but I will always be glad for those moments of small calm.

It's also ok to acknowledge that it's shit.

Im so sorry op. I don’t think young parents realise what a massive lottery it is. We certainly didn’t. The way couples glibly go for number 3 etc. One of the reasons we stopped at 2 was not pushing our luck.

We have been so fortunate ourselves but friends of ours have entirely different lives and it breaks my heart to see what they have to deal with. One did say “we should have stopped at one” in a fit of tears about her dd2.

I don’t find it terrible either, I guess that’s my point. There are lots of people shitting on the husband for saying that, when I think his feelings are completely understandable in the circumstances.

I wonder if increased knowledge and communication is putting people off - the birth rate certainly fallen

Is that because they're ND, or are they NT but just a lot?

I’m sorry it sounds very stressful. Children are very intuitive and at some level are probably picking up on the fact that you regret having them. This could be having a detrimental effect on their behaviour too. I think some therapy would help and hopefully improve the relationship that you have with your boys.

I think the birth rate has fallen due to the impossibility of life today, in terms of INSANE house prices and INSANE childcare costs. Add in husbands who don't pull their weight even before kids, the rising costs of food and petrol, the high divorce rate, and I can see how many people decide it all looks way too difficult.

But I think house prices are the main driver. If they weren't so stupidly expensive, people wouldn't need stupidly expensive childcare because it would be much easier to manage on one salary until the children are at school.

Yes, I'm close to someone who had two healthy children and then had a profoundly disabled daughter. Apparently there's a genetic issue on her husband's side, but they rolled the dice again. (To be fair, it's possible that they didn't know that about him before it actually happened.)

You are so real. My kids are older. I understand.

It sounds like your DH has very little understanding of your situation based on that comment. Are you looking after him as well? As the children were his dream (too?), he should surely do at least half. Why doesn't he?

I know this is not what you asked, but does he add to your life? You need to do all you can to build the best life within the options you have. If he puts more strain on you, you could leave him. If he would take the boys even every other weekend, you would have time to yourself. Sounds like he doesn't do that currently. Take care.

I think OP you need to have some counselling. I get a feeling you depend too much on what others think, on fitting in, on complying with norms. Why are you so obsessed with sports, friendships and playdates? To be honest, even school is not massively important on the grand scheme of thing. What important is to be there for your DC and to support him no matter what. You say your eldest talks about his interests - what are they? You are trying to fit him into a "normal"-shaped hole when in reality you should try and develop a connection with a human being your son is. No wonder he is unhappy - he sure can feel his mum sees him as a failure and does not like him...Poor poor boy.

You need to pull yourself together. No good moaning about never wanting children - they are already here. Its hard, but you need to find a way to manage. You also need to make sure you have time for your own life, and your DH needs to step up. Your life, frankly, is what you make of it.

Your husband wanted the children most.

You need to admit that you've done your fair share of being the main carer.

Find a three day per week job and give DH notice that he will be the main carer for three days per week for the next ten years.

Concentrate on your career.
Enjoy a well deserved change.

I would love to know how you manage around your disabled children. Please do share you top tips and hacks :-)

Yeah I don’t think the husband is terrible for saying the kids will one day be gone, but I wonder how realistic he is being?

Even in today’s society it’s hard for many NT kids to leave home until they’re much older due to ridiculous rents and things like that.

Not saying they will never leave home but he may not be waving them off to uni at age 18 or even 21, like I suspect he expects to!

Im sure my husband is in denial - I have had to fight single handily for every bit of support we have got. I did everything alone, the forms, the parent conversations, the mediation.

I also think he needs to step up more, why is he the one who pushed for kids and yet Op is the one fighting the hardest for them on her own?

Nothing useful to say except it sounds so hard. 💐

I also think the Dad is missing the point a bit when he says “they’ll grow up and leave and it will just be us again.”

It feels a bit like he’s fast forwarding to the “good part”. But you can’t. This is life not a movie.

It’s all very well talking about the future but his wife is struggling with the reality now and instead of being more supportive, he just talks about this “child free” future he imagines that may never actually transpire.

It may be okay for him because he got his much desired children,and is now
taking a backseat with fighting for them to get the additional help they need while OP is battling single handedly. OP has brought these two kids into the world against her better judgment and now struggling to raise them. That’s 18+ years of her life she will be struggling.

Parents know it will be hard raising kids, but they also understandably hope to have a lot of joy in the process. That there will be heaps of fond memories to look back on.

Not just raising kids in misery for over two decades and then ticking a box saying “glad that’s done now, phew they are out the house and it’s just us again”.

Im sorry parenting has been boys has been so very tough.
I admire your honesty in expressing how your feel. Many parents for many reasons(not just neurodiversity,mental health issues) have felt its a thankless task and wonder if they should have embarked on it ,particularly if their heart wasnt in it to begin with.
Life sometimes disappoints us, i get that.
I can see from your post that you are a mum who has been devoted to your difficult to parent boys and that you love them.
I think those slating your DH are looking for someone to blame for your unhappiness, he may have been trying to support you with his light at the end of the tunnel comment about them growing up and leaving,it may or may not be true for various reasons ,but this "season" will pass.
Your boys are at a particularly difficult age ,hormones etc,spiky and hard to please is normal teens.
The pressure to be a "success" in every sphere of life ,the rosy spin portrayed online, can leave us dissatisfied.
I understand you feel you've made a mistake and its tough,i dont have any pearls of wisdom to change that other than find support and time for yourself.
I hope you have people to talk to IRL and take care of yourself.

Hey lovely,

absolutely no judgement here. This sounds an awful situation and a situation neither you or your children asked to be placed in. It sounds really tough, I hope you have people you can vent too.

im the mother of an adhd child and my god it’s exhausting. Also, I work within a sen school and I do see the more extreme types of behaviour and I know it must be so hard.

i wondered if you had ever looked at special sen schools? The one I work at offers a residential unit where children can sleep a couple of nights a week. We had regular children do one to two nights a week which offered their parents a great deal of respite. With an EHCP you should be offered transport for these types of schools too. We have students travel from the city I live, plus ones further a field, even one student from London who comes on a Monday stays the whole week and then makes the three hour journey back home on a Friday.

It’s tough. They are here and they need you to keep moving forward. So many children with extra needs are unwanted, it’s very tough for them too.

@thegreenlight Just wanted to add: don't think and fret about the future. You have no idea

1. How your children will develop- brain plasticity is really a thing- so much can change in a couple of years.
2. What services will be available to your children- there are group homes/supported living which others have mentioned so the time they live at home with you may be limited.

Try to focus on one day/week at a time and make sure you get time for yourself in order to breathe.

Also wanted to add that I have been surprised and touched by all posters on this thread. I was afraid of the OP getting kicked while lying down but the majority have been lovely and compassionate. I hope you take that with you OP 🌻

Can you sign them up to clubs or competitions or talk to the school about things your boys are good at and are passionate about?

My son is ND and isn’t a stereotypical boy, he HATES sports with a passion, so he does art and creative writing instead and has won awards and commendations for that.

I was thinking just that! What are SEND parents getting so terribly wrong here that this poster understands so very much better?