To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

Autism is highly genetic. Do you or your husband have it too?

Not sure if what I say. An be helpful. Both my younger siblings were autistic, one was also ADHD and oppositional defiance, the other was obsessed with gang culture and drugs and had arrested development at 16.

You may have your kids with you for many years to come, they may not cope in the world. My youngest sibling never coped. He stayed at home into his thirties and sadly his addictions killed him.

My sister has had a few false starts in life, had to come home a few times, needed bailed out many times. But she is coping as a single parent escaping and abusing marriage.

So it is hard, you may be juggling this for many years to come, maybe forever. But my sister has finally graduated, she is doing great, her kids are great, her diagnosis means we all now understand her better.

Is there an autism hub or something near to you? We have one and it has regular events as well as links specifically to a PODS group with events for families of children with special needs. Just a suggestion if you’re looking for somewhere that your children can fit in and you can perhaps meet other parents who sympathise.

I deeply wanted children and have step children, one of whom is autistic and ADHD and I knew it the first day I met him (even though he was undiagnosed I knew in minutes) but I still chose to love him anyway. It’s incredibly hard at times, even though his dad does almost everything for him, but I know I chose to have him in my life. I can’t imagine how hard it is when you didn’t really want to be a parent in the first place.

And to be clear, I said a calmer house, not a calm house.

Our third child, DD (15) came home from school today and announced that "I need a new phone and I'm not paying for it", and dropped a Tesco food bag containing an iPhone in about 16 pieces onto the kitchen table.

So, what happened? I asked.

"I wasn't having a good day and the phone was in my hand so I smashed it."

She has an EHCP but no diagnosis. Is not autistic according to the psych. So far oppositional defiant disorder is our best guess, but that comes from the teachers at her special school and is not an official diagnosis. It translates into "every day is war".

I respect all of the parents on here who relay awful stories but still insist "I love them with every bit of my heart".

I will confess I have moments of doubt.

Did you have a traumatic birth? PND often follows a traumatic birth, and trauma therapy can have a huge effect on ASD and ADHD etc.

Therapy in general might be a good idea.

Also, there is nothing in it for parents, really. You’ve supported your kids interests which is all anyone with sporty award winning kids would be doing. I wasn’t sporty or award winning. Loads of kids aren’t. And if I had been, how would that have been “something in it” for my DM?

It's possible my brother was diagnosed with Asperger's in the 90's when they were just considered 'slow' or 'odd'. He works in finance and has a fully paid off flat which he keeps on top of. They don't like change so you pretty much have to coax them out.

Do either you or your husband have autism/adhd? As I think if you are, you should have known the likelihood of your children having these too and could have made informed decisions pre-babies and not regret them now. Remember, they didn’t ask to be born and deserve two loving parents who want them no matter their behaviour.

Are your children on medication for their ADHD? I’ve seen the transformations in children once they are. It’s a much more pleasant and peaceful life for them rather than everyone hating on their behaviour which is out of their control.

Couldn't read and not stop to say what a great set up it sounds like your son has, and very sensible all round. Perhaps he loves having his (relative) independence like any 18 year old? Don't beat yourself up for a second, just because adult children need extra support doesn't mean it needs to all come from parents. Same can be true for older relatives, some people run themselves into the ground caring for them, but it can thoroughly ruin the relationship.

This is how I've always felt since having kids.
I think I might have managed it with one. But doing it all a second time, going through all the crisis, trauma and drama. I sincerely wish I'd never had children.

I'm sorry Op, that sounds really hard and this is a very honest thread. I am sure many people might feel similarly in similar circumstances.

My hope for you is that things change. We can never give up on our dc as parents, and that job is easier for some than others. But there may be joys round the corner you don't expect. Your youngest is loving: that is something some parents never get to experience.

And I hope this is helpful but all parents find it tough at times. Some may have less reason to, but I think everyone has moments when dc seem very "style-cramping" and hard work. You are not alone.

I’m so sorry OP. I know the loneliness. It’s so very very hard watching them
struggle and seeing how other parents seem to have a very different experience while you instead mourn and feel sad and defeated.

i sometimes feel I can’t face another day of it. The sadness, the rejection, the relentlessness of it all with no hope.

I’ve had a lot of therapy which has helped a bit. I found a therapy called acceptance and commitment therapy. It’s helped a bit. I hope you can find some relief, somewhere. It sounds like you need some time away, just for you with a good friend.

Hand hold OP. Totally reasonable to feel like that - for you and for them. Parenting ND children is gruelling with the challenges complex and largely difficult to overcome. It’s lonely, sad and frustrating. With the benefit of hindsight, you’d never choose to put yourself through that again. I don’t have advice but I’m sorry you are feeling so terrible. You’re not alone.

That’s all it is. You are exhausted from it. It’s so so hard. But you gave it everything and that was the point.

Don’t let it change you. You are a person who made a huge effort for their children, despite no rewards.

They are lucky they got you. Mind yourself, rest and try and recover.