To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

I think this is a very sensible thing to do actually in your scenario. Obviously every situation is different but I do think you made the best choice for your child. Realistically in 10-20 years when you & DH reach 60s and 70s it would be very difficult to continue on as you all were, and ultimately it would have been harder for your DC to move to assisted living in his 30s!

The other way to look at it is that she thought you were so wonderful, and loved being your mother so much, that she wanted the joy many times over. Not that one wasn't enough.

OP I am so sorry for you and all the others going through the same. You’ve been dealt a really shit hand.

I do feel that your husband (as good as you think he is) needs to be way more involved in the tougher aspects of having two autistic children. You said you shoulder the burden for all the forms, appointments, school, trying to get help etc. that’s not right! He should bear some of that too. Perhaps then he would realise how draining this is for you.

it’s all very well doing the nice bits, making costumes etc but he shouldn’t get to bypass all of the hard stuff

Just sending respect and compassion your way. Honestly I think you are both doing an amazing job. You seem like a really lovely human doing your best in a difficult situation for the people you love.

You sound brilliant, wonderfully supportive, and extremely kind, OP. Your children are absolutely fortunate to have such a great mum, as much as you feel that you are pouring from an empty cup and are getting nothing back.

I agree with others that it is truly a roll of the dice havingchildren, and nothing in life is guaranteed.

My parents adopted me and my late brother, he passed away from cancer aged 34 and was as different and difficult as you could get. They obviously had no control over the children they adopted, as in their personalities, temperament etc, and obviously we don't share genetics so they couldn't ever know he would be dreadful as a teenager, a drug addict, angry and self destructive.

My point is that they gave everything to raise a child, but it was a thankless task in many ways. And even though he didn't show gratitude, they did know he had a good life, and never stopped loving him or worrying. I know the comparison with you and your children isn't quite the same (and i don't know if my DB had any specific symptoms of autism but he possibly had a lot of inherited mental health issues), but as hard as it all is, it's important to get some ways of feeling like you are doing a brilliant job, and life has given you something to be proud of.

My parents probably felt like their efforts were wasted in some ways, but they can look back with a sense of pride at his life being the best it could ever have been, thanks to them.

You can hopefully say the same, in that your children are getting a lot out of life, in spite of how much it has taken out of you. I think you should be able to feel deeply proud of how you cope, and it's evident you are absolutely doing everything you can to the best of your ability. ❤️

Keep going 💪 ✨️

The issue is the fact you didn’t want children in the first place and felt forced into it by your DH

Hard disagree I’m afraid. I think the main issue is the fact OP has 2 neurodivergent children, not that she was apathetic about parenting in the first place. I would hazard a guess if OP had 2 easy going, neurotypical children she would not have posted this thread. She may have not adored being a mum or be completely fulfilled by it, but equally lots of people who are desperate to be mothers are disappointed by the reality of parenting as well. But the majority of OPs desperation comes from the nature of her children, I think. It’s hard for people to swallow that, but it’s important.

You sound like you are in burnout. I would love to try and reassure you that things get better, but mine are teens now and although we might have a good week or two, it never lasts long before we are back in the trenches.
Like you, I've also lost myself, but on the positive side, at least your husband is still there - mine couldn't handle everything and left. He has the kids one day a week for a few hours, at my house as the kids won't go to his house and I have to put up with the meltdowns all week leading up to it. I also have to use that time to work.
I have a few good friends left, but barely get to see them as the kids don't tolerate being around people.
Like you, I love my kids with all my heart and absolutely everything I do is centred around them, but it is hard work. I do find there are lots of moments to be proud of them though, they just look a lot different to normal parenting pride!
Keep on hanging in there and putting a brave face on and who knows, maybe one day it will get better!

Ive just come from a thread called anyone regret becoming a parent, not many comments on there.
But i feel for the ones that are having a hard time.

OP, for the future, here's a BBC article about a new model of group living for young adults who have disabilities:

www.bbc.com/news/articles/clyleyknxr3o

Ok so I don't regret my kids honestly I don't but I get why your burnt out and I also get why your joy is sucked the f... out of you. I have 5 with ASD PDA and also one with DS I do have other children that like to capitalise on my stress too. Honestly you have to carve little treats in there otherwise you go insane. It is nothing you did wrong. ASD is this magical amazing shitshow that never stops. You become hypervigilant and your always tired it sucks. I have started therapy recently and honestly has helped. My husband can't see that our DS baby is different and needs extra help.lol So that has been fun. I do daily therapy with her at home and and I have a lot of medical appointments. Again I try and tye in a treat like a hot chocy while they do therapy or a puzzle. But in saying all that my brain is tired and near dead. AGAIN it isn't your fault and stop the self blame as that is exhausting you more. Said from a mum that completely been blaming myself for years.

I know profoundly autistic children who were eventually placed in an excellent residential care facility. The trouble is there are not enough places available and worse families being made to feel guilty for considering it. I can assure you there is absolutely no shame in holding your hands up & saying for many children & their parents it's by far the best decision.

Plenty of dads who become non resident rarely do 50% with neurotypical kids...

Bless you lovely, that sounds such a hard situation. My parents gave their all to raise my late DB, and got some dreadful abuse from him and at times he could be violent too.

He eventually moved into his own place, but really the worry never stopped, as I'm sure it hasn't for you. But it did take the pressure off my parents a bit, which I'm sure you can relate to. Sending hugs 🫂

What an unhelpful - not to mention, inaccurate post.

It's great that a sheltered living place was found for your oldest son, and how could anyone flame you for this?

In an ideal world he would have had a residential place from a younger age, to safeguard his siblings, and to enable him to have access to on-going therapy.

I think we've gone way to far in 'care in the community' - often the community or family just can't provide the supports neded, or are exposed to abuse as you and the rest of your family were.

Please don't feel that you've done anything wrong - your son needs ongoing support, and professionals are best placed to provide it - emotions don't come into play, they get regular breaks, and your son, while in supported housing, has managed to leave home, this isn't a negative thing.

You love being a mum, but you have four NT children and one mildly ND. So your situation is nothing like OP's. You might feel differently if you had no NT children and your oldest was as affected as OP's is.

Your a good mum. After reading all your updates your deeply depressed I really do hope your getting therapy to help you cope.

I dont know what to suggest apart from empathy and strength ...

I hope you find some joy in your difficult life... It is almost impossible to carve out some time for a hobby or some alone time....but if you could, perhaps it gives you some joy.
Sending lots of love

OP, as others have said, i think your husband should be doing more to support you, you're stressed and exhausted so he needs to step up.

I think you need a break - even just one night away in a hotel by yourself, where you won't be able to rush home to sort out any issues. Maybe do this once a month, so you have something to look forward to.

if you can't afford a hotel/airbandb, you could even stay with a friend or family member and treat them and yourself to a takeaway.

But you need some time and space away from them all, and to do something that you enjoy, even if it's just a lie in, or sitting in a cafe with a book.

I think therapy could help too, so you can be open and honest, though first step is for your husband to step up, and not just be fun dad. School drop offs and pick ups are very basic parenting, I don't think it's that impressive that he does them.

You 100% have my sympathy.
I think many woman can quietly regret motherhood and all it demands of us, even without SEN.
So I have zero difficulty imagining your regrets.
You sound amazing but utterly exhausted.

I have no suggestion other than do NOT beat yourself up over feeling this way.

You can love your children deeply but wish you hadn't taken the path of having children.
The two are not mutually exclusive.

Sending you genuine sympathy and empathy.

Why is it horrible? Children generally do grow up, leave home and then parents are on their own again.
However OPs children are autistic and at this age there's no way of knowing if they'll be able to live independently or be able to afford to. I have 3 children, 2 of them have autism. My middle DC may be able to live independently but we're not sure. My youngest will never live independently. However my eldest who is NT is working and has vaguely talked about moving out which is what I expected to happen. What's wrong with saying one day your children will leave home. I feel I must be missing something obvious.

I agree with every word of this. I fence-sat so hard in my thirties. I couldn't say I really really wanted them, but at the same time, I was DESPERATELY worried that I would live to regret not having them. I had no peace for years because of the issue, and it got worse as my thirties progressed.

My husband felt the same. We were both too frozen by indecision to move forward.

So we decided that yes, we might regret it, but that it's far, far better to regret NOT having them than the other way round. Also, children just deserve to be really wanted.

I'm post-menopausal now and happy I didn't give in to social pressure, which was INTENSE. Our parents nearly drove me to the far side of the moon with the pressure they all heaped on me. It badly affected our relationship. Plus there were friends, acquaintances, even strangers who all encouraged me, even though I showed no outward sign of wanting them. And I could NOT announce that I had some news without someone patting their stomach and raising their eyebrows at me. Any job moves or holiday announcements to friends and family were always ruined that way. Ah, I remember those days of being married, in my thirties, and not reproducing. Good times. NOT.

Now, postmenopause, it's lonely sometimes, yes, but no lifestyle is perfect. Stick to your guns if you don't want kids.

Oh my heart is breaking for you. Your feelings are valid. Bet youre a great mum aswell. Have you had any counselling? You need some support and so do the kids. You need to reframe your outlook and life too to survive. Therapy can help. Accept your feelings, they aren't bad or wrong. No1 can judge unless they are you, in your position, and theyre not! You've been dealt a very hard hand and its going to be very tough for you. The kids do need specialist support/school by the sounds of it and that will help somewhat so that they feel heard, not different.

Should have said hi @tallulahlulah as I was replying to your post.

But @thegreenlight has also been very brave in sharing how she feels about having children. Again, no criticism here, just admiration for getting through the days.

(I worked in SEN support for 29 years, so I know a little about the challenges faced).

I’m afraid I don’t have any good advice but just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know if this is helpful, but if you can, it sounds like you should go and do something really lovely for yourself on a regular basis - an art class, a night away with yourself or friends, go for a day yourself to the beach, treat yourself. What you’re going through must be impossibly hard. Sending you a hug 🥰