To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

Hi OP, I also have two autistic DS's and I'm also autistic. Eldest was also very difficult in a similar way to your eldest. He's 23 now and although he's still not got a job and spends most of his time in his room (he has a rare non 24 hour sleep disorder), he's actually really nice now. I think they develop a bit more empathy if you are more honest about how your feel (obviously within reason!!). Youngest DS is just about the finish a computer science degree so something good has come out of his screen addiction.

What I would say is to try to reduce the amount of energy you're throwing their way or you'll end up chronically ill. I speak from experience. I feel like the 'universe' is playing some sort of cruel practical joke on me and I often look up at the sky and shout 'Help me!!' or I get really cross at the hand I've been dealt. Thing is, I have solved a few problems, but this non 24 hour thing is beyond me. I cannot fix everything for them and don't have that much control. I see it as a lesson.

But back to your main point, I do wish I hadn't had children because they don't have much of a life, especially eldest DS. And now I'm chronically ill and trapped in this situation where I'm trying to support them financially and I currently have no income. I feel this pressure to keep going for them and I want to give up and don't want to be here. You can always message me if you want to chat (although I'm terrible at looking in inbox!!).

Sending you a HUGE hug. I don't know what else to do. You sound very committed and very loving as a parent - but also so, so sad. Maybe it helps to know that I understand how you feel, I don't believe you're a bad mother, or that you're doing anything other than giving your sons every single thing they need, physically and emotionally.

I'd maybe consider counselling to see how you can deal with the grief around the life you don't have, and maybe how to reframe your boys' achievements so you can find the little moments of pride.

But mostly - hug hugs x

I don't know if you're wanting advice. I definitely think you could do with support and some sort of something for yourself. There is no magic wand, and funds/services are dwindling but I did best with Local Authorities unpaid carers support organisation and a carers assessment.
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/carers-assessment/

Gosh op, how incredibly hard. My heart goes out to you. Just take each day as it comes, getting through each day as a win.

If it helps her she should def continue. If she has a job that she hates it could be worth exploring her options to go pt/stop because she sounds like a burnout waiting to happen. I know that for some work is an escape but for some it's just adding to the burden.

It may be stupid to u but at the heart of the matter are 2 children who the op says she wishes she never had ! So I feel it's a valid point that these children have feelings 😞

You're right, but it's just adding to mum's guilt....and she has enough of that already - which is why she's probably burnt out in the first place. She cares too much if that's possible. There is no easy answer here... :(

You clearly don’t have children who find all aspects of daily life a struggle, who work a million times harder to achieve a fraction of what most kids take for granted, who are deeply distressed every single day and there is no way to help them. You have to fight for every bit of help in your own. You love them very much and they rely on you. One day you die then what will happen to them. You have to try to plan for that to.

When that is your every day parenting reality, it’s reasonable to feel overwhelmed and perhaps bringing them into the world was not the best thing.

Exactly there is no easy answer but there are children involved and they only have mum and dad !
Op is the mum in this situation and yes she hasn't had it easy and I have alot of sympathy for her but she does have 2 children and they need to feel emotionally stable regardless of she is coping or not if she can't give them what they needs maybe she should look into respite care and have some help or contact social services for help ! X

I have an AUDHD son and stepdaughter who lives with us full time, I have a very happy and fulfilled life, I’m certainly not on medication or even close to needing medication for depression, anxiety or any other mood disorder.

I’m not sure it’s a good thing to imply that looking after a disabled child leads to mental health problems.

I’m so sorry OP. You don’t deserve a kicking at all.

you definitely need to prioritise yourself and do something for yourself only. Have your own friends just for yourself.

i also think it’s unfair that your husband is dealing with 0% SEN fight and aspects. You need to reassign some tasks to him and drop the rope.
In fact you may need to just allow to drop the rope a bit in general on the accommodation and etc SEN battle. It doesn’t look like it’s really making a massive difference so maybe temporarily at least you can allow yourself that?

It would be also good if you had access to therapy just for yourself.

Actually I do ! I have a grown up son with ADHD he has a successful career and he has struggled all throu school social.situations abusing cannabis and even had OCD ! It's hard I am not saying it isn't !
But these children no matter how your feeling need to feel like they matter and loved ! No matter what they can and can't do u should be proud !!

Just walk out and leave them all. Send maintenance. Or not.
Change your name and move country.
Life's short.

Blimey, I think you were joking... 😳😖

OP hasn't said she doesn't love her kids. You keep saying that.

And completely genuinely and perhaps a different thread so as not to hijack this one. If you have genuinely had a child like the ones we are describing and he now has a "successful career" - I would like to know how and what that looks like. I didn't think it was possible.

What you've described sounds very difficult but I wouldn't say it's not worthwhile. You're probably burnt out with the effort physically, emotionally and mentally that comes with raising SEND children. You can regret having them but you can't change it. I'm sorry OP, I hope that you find some ways your efforts have been worthwhile, I'm sure your boys think your effort has been worth it, you will be their whole world.

If you read my post, clearly it is only a suggestion which some parents may not be aware is an option.
not sure why you have a bee in your bonnet about my comment? The op is struggling and I simply offered something that may be worth looking into, that’s all… every case in different and unique clearly however as op is sounding desperate, showing that there could be potential solutions to help, not sure why that’s a bad thing

Why would you be torn to shreds? Someone should walk quite a few miles in your shoes before commenting shouldn´t they?
I think you found the best solution all round for your adult son.

I’m happy for you, genuinely.

I used to run a local SEN group and my circle is entirely made up of SEN mums. I don’t know anyone who isn’t taking medication. You might not like what I’m saying and that’s your prerogative. But it doesn’t make what I said any less true.

And if you read the rest of my post I was actually really positive about raising ND children.

But let’s not pretend that raising SEN children isn’t incredibly stressful - and I don’t even mean because of the children. Again, as I mentioned in my previous comment, trying to get the right provision for them is utterly exhausting. And for some parents, the fight against the LA and/or the school can go on for YEARS. Add in the financial pressures of many SEN parents not being able to work a 9-5 regular job because their child needs more support and regular childcare not being available to SEN children, and the current rhetoric around slashing benefits and “autistic children just need proper parenting” and you have the perfect storm.

If you have been able to navigate all of this unblemished, you’re lucky. And that’s great for you. But that’s certainly not the case for the majority and I don’t think it’s helpful for the OP or others in trying to pretend otherwise.

The children have feelings but right now as a woman and a Mum my heart goes out to OP.

She can't send them back. She can invest in herself.

@thegreenlight

Thank you for your extreme honesty. Please, I would urge you to read up on blocked care and secondary trauma. You are clearly trying to pour from an empty cup. I recognise so much of what you write. Sending you care, sympathy, empathy and solidarity.

Another gem from a caring individual. 🙄