To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

I hear you OP. I wish I hadn't had any either. People don't understand the slog of ND kids.

I did do a laugh at your husband's comments though. Why is he so sure they're going to grow up and leave home? I just see a lifetime of care in my world.

You absolutely do not deserve a kicking for admitting that being a parent to 2 challenging children hasn’t bought you the joy others experience.
You’re being really honest and that takes a lot of courage.
I’m only sorry you’ve had such a rough ride of it and that your husband doesn’t seem to be shouldering very much of the burden especially when he was the one pushing to have them. I don’t have any advice but I just know you won’t be alone in your feelings 💐

OP I really feel for you, it sounds like you have given up your teaching career which must make it even harder. I had a colleague with 2 autistic kids and a husband who worked away and she ended up burning out and leaving work.
I would agree joining support groups for autistic parents probably isn’t the way to go, my ex colleague found they were very draining, but can you join a hobby group where you might make some friends where your kids won’t be all you have in common?
It sounds like you and your DH both need a break, can you get some respite care? Do you have a family member of friend that could stay with them, so you could go away together, if not maybe take it in turns for a weekend away each on your own.

I really feel for you as parenting is hard even with well behaved children.

I would start planning way ahead as it’s likely these kids may be with you well into adulthood as so many autistic kids can’t make it in this world. Forget the nonsense about superpowers but if someone can’t get the very basics right of simply behaving then there’s big trouble ahead.

I can’t offer any specific advice but would recommend doing lots of research and not just on the conventional path.

I don't know, and definitely can't offer any solutions, but I want to send you a mega ton of emotional support.

I think many parents regret having children it’s just that parents and especially Mothers are not allowed to articulate it. I have one friend who wishes she hadn’t had children and they were relatively easy kids. She was very honest about it, really they didn’t need children as they were enough for each other, it just seemed like the next step. I think the fact you have children that have additional needs just compounds everything because you do not see any future highs mixed with the lows.

I admit to not having a clue to what I would do in your shoes. You are allowed to be pissed off and don’t feel guilty.

He’s a really good dad. Lots of men walk away from children with SEN. He just doesn’t feel it all as deeply as I do. He indulges their passions (he spent weeks making the youngest a costume for him to wear when we go to see a film that’s coming out) as I said he does all drop off and pick ups now. He does his bit but even with both of us giving our all it must still not be enough

do you not feel any love at all for them? I think it’s quite unusual but maybe id feel similar in your shoes. Are the feelings only recently or persistent since the birth?

im interested as i have an autistic 4yr old. His behaviour can be embarrassing. He’s non verbal and grunts/ makes noises. Awful meltdowns and can be violent to me and other children. With the EHCP business - i’m also battling and it’s exhausting trying to get him a specialist school place. My life feels limited and restricted - I used to love travel but it would be impossible. Iv been advised he will likely be in nappies long term and his basic care needs are extremely hard work

But despite the challenges, there is still a bond and I I don’t regret him (although i might say different if caught on a bad day). There are times every day when we share joy together - he loves the park, an ice cream, to see a castle or beach, he loves a cuddle on his terms when in the right mood etc, he likes to read the same book repetitively every bed time, he loves to dance (very awkwardly) to his favourite nursery rhymes.

I feel I have accepted that my parenting experience is and will be very different to the normal parenting experience. I try not to compare him to other children his age - he might never win awards or obtain a GCSE but there’s more to life than our productivity. He might not be capable of independence. But i’ll do my best to support him to fulfil whatever potential he has - even if this is quite a low level

Also he’s taught me empathy and compassion for the disabled/ Send children and their families. and i don’t think that’s a bad thing either

this is a good point....go and read the many threads that most ND kids with high needs never leave

I would NEVER say that I didn’t love them. I love them with every fibre of my being. That doesn’t change how hard things are, how thankless and relentless. If I didn’t love them I wouldn’t have fought for them, picked myself up again and again for them. It doesn’t make it enjoyable though

My ds is 11 we found a Sen youth club and it’s been amazing. Finally somewhere where he is included and accepted.

Would your eldest be able to join a swimming class?

I feel for you. Similar situation, but doesn’t sound quite as bad (though the fact we have 2 x EHCPs tells you it’s not that good either!). I often have fantasies about life without children. And the 100,000s of pounds I would have back for my own frivolities.

We do have some good times though and I try to take some joy from that. Trips and outside adventures work best for us. And I also try not to beat myself up too much - there is only so much I can do. I can’t make them do well at school. I don’t expect them to have amazing careers (or maybe any career for one of them). I sincerely hope for all our sakes that they will be able to leave home as young adults…

Most of my friends are high achievers with their kids heading the same way. But comparison is the thief of joy and all that

This sounds so hard, OP. I am sorry.

I have an ND child and she is very easy....but even she has had periods with massive health challenges and long periods of wining and moaning to the grind. He said few times he cannot cope anymore. I told him to either brace himself and be a man, or leave, tonight. I also did everything for her therapies,etc

Focus on the positive and stop dwelling on things you can't change. Reframe things in your mind, if you feel them too much then try not to, a thread with people affirming they regret their kids, that many parents regret theirs and how it's so hard is just so negative and unhelpful. Take a leaf from DH's book be more laid back about it, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. What good is you feeling it so badly you'll hurt your health and you won't be a good mum or wife. You can only do so much every 24 hours for your kids and there is no point reliving what ifs. You are wasting energy thinking i wish and i wish. These days you can meet supportive mums online, your kids have each other so the no play dates wont affect them as much as, or you could maybe link up with mums who want a playdate for their kids with SEN. Try to be more practical and separate whats within your scope and responsibility and what is beyond you.

I feel for you op. My son is profoundly autistic and is now in a care home as an adult. I was close to suicide trying to cope as a single mum. I used to dread every single day. I understand how hard it is and i used to wonder what id done so wrong in life to end up in that situation. I gave everything but got very little back. My son was/is violent at times. Been told I have ptsd from parenting due to the violence. No answers but I totally get it.

And i agree with a pp- everyone should think hard about their capability for caring for a disabled child before having kids because cases seem to be on the rise.

All I can say is: I have accepted already my life is not like everybody else and just do my own thing, go out as a family, come back, have nice food, nice holidays, etc...I don't care what other people do and do not look for approval, friendships etc

@thegreenlight You sound absolutely drained. Can you see a therapist on your own just for you? Someone who can listen and support you and where you are allowed to express all "ugly feelings" that we almost don't want to admit to ourselves.

My DS1 ASD is 16 now. He's always been hard work but the worst was btw 12-14 when he wasn't able to go to school anymore even with 1:1 support. Puberty messed him up really badly and the psychiatrists tried all kind of antipsychotics and antidepressants. Nothing really worked - I think it was due to hormones. He's not easy now but atleast he's not violent anymore. I contemplated suicide many times because every day was just misery and I thought it would never get better. But I have DS2 as well so can't just opt out. And it did get better so please have hope. Take all help you can get and make sure you take turns with your dh so you both get some time off alone. It's really really tough what you're going through and don't beat yourself up for regretting having kids. You're so exhausted and drained that ofcourse you regret it right now- anyone would. I did. I sometimes do when DS1 has one of his exhausting fits. But we have to hang in there and carve out some joy in the middle of the war we seem to live in in order to survive.💐

You are grieving for what could have been. Are you able to spesk to your GP about counselling?

Of course it's not anything you have done. I am so sorry. It's unfair. I hope you get help.

I never went to groups, nor even churches which say are there for you but when you go, they just stare at you under microscope and all they do is asking probing questions and imply there must be something with you having the life you have...

How devoid of imagination do you have to be to write something so tone deaf?
My kids are NT but it's really not a huge leap for me to empathise with op.

As a lifelong fence-sitter in my early 30's, occasionally I feel like I could be swayed or that I should succumb to the peer pressure to procreate. I know this isn't helpful to you OP and I feel for you, but posts like these remind me that I don't actually want children at all, in the slightest.

I think women who are agonising over their decision to become a mother whose stance is not 100% "yes" should pay attention to posts such as this; having a child is irreversible and living with that decision is a lifelong commitment. Your ghastly husband essentially coerced you into having 2 children that you never wanted and gave you an ultimatum.

Can relate to all this…including people’s perception of me as a cheerful positive person. Our child came along after years of infertility and I feel so much guilt that after all that heartbreak and stress, 99% of the time I don’t really enjoy being a parent.

I’ve formed some lovely friendships amongst a group of other SEND parents in my local area. We message daily in a WhatsApp group and some of us formed in person friendships where we meet regularly with and without the kid. I found it through a parent sharing the link on local fb group and was dubious at first. I honestly think I’d have cracked up completely by now if it wasn’t for that group chat!