To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

Stupid and unhelpful comment.

Suggest google support for carers in your local area

They may have

Places to meet up locally
Advice about respite
Discount cards
Discount holidays
Advice for future

Good luck

Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Have you ever counted all the right choices that you made for your children.
Is there any way you can reduce your hours. There is no time for you to decompress and breath.
You love your children, it is hard, things do improve.
17 year old DD is much better than she was 3 years ago. I couldn’t imagine it at one time, baby steps. Sending virtual hugs. 🥰
just to add. DH isn’t as impacted, same as my own as the children suck on me and need my input over his, it’s the way they are, I’m much more in tune with their sadness and anxiety, as a mother we want to fix it at the expense of our mh.

https://carers.org/grants-and-discounts/introduction

Genuine Qn. Considering the age gap if DS1 was so difficult why did you decide to have a 2nd?

No judgement- just curious

Go away.

i wanted the chance to have a normal mothering experience. We waited so long because I was so worried about the impact on DS1. I was unlucky (though he was a blissful baby and his lovely birth fixed me for a while after PND. It was just as he got older we realised that he too had complex needs)

No

I think maybe you need a support thing for you. Like separate to your struggles from DSs. You did want to have another baby, I just wanted to clarify it wasnt like you were struggling with DS1 and coerced into another pregnacy.

Like its OK to love your kids and hate some aspects of parenting and maybe if there was support. Or even a hobby you could take up for you as a person not their parent you might feel more hopeful?

Or could you need more MH support if you have a history of PND?

Very few will say this because everyone thinks it’s impossible for a mother but plenty of men do it.

You are allowed to leave.

Hello op
I think we have chatted on a different thread ,as I'm in the same boat as you except 15 years ahead of you
I didn't feel like that when they were younger
But I do now .I don't think it really sunk in untill recently,that this is my life and it's not going to get better ..when I look back I can see my life ground to a halt the minute he was born ..and then the other one just made things so much worse.
I've devoted my life to making them happy ..and making sure their needs are 100% met ,and that included horrendous battles with schools and the LEA..so many battles my mental health is shot to pieces...but mine have had an excellent education ..but I'm not sure the price I paid mentally was worth it all.
Anyway..this isn't about me ..it's your thread ..
But the only advice I've got for anyone in my/ your situation is .. prioritise yourself..100% you must prioritise yourself..for exercise,for treats ,for bath with a glass of wine ,for nice clothes,for a spa day for a haircut or a tattoo or swim or a gym session
That's where I went wrong..and that's how resentment builds ..
Take care x

You don’t deserve a kicking at all. OP I really feel for you. Parenting is really hard and you didn’t cause any of this. Haven’t read TFT but could you look into counselling for yourself. You sound exhausted and lonely.

I'm so sorry op, that is really tough! I wish I had some helpful advice but I sincerley hope things get better for you and your whole family.

I think your first step would be to seek counselling alongside the antidepressants you are already taking.
Parenting is tough, parenting SEN children can be soul destroying.
When my eldest was diagnosed with Autism I cried with relief that it wasn’t something I was doing wrong, he was genuinely struggling but also with a sadness because his life would be that bit harder.
It sounds as though you only had the children to keep your DH and in hindsight that probably wasn’t the right course of action, because it’s set up a situation which is/has caused resentment.
You are also grieving for the children you thought your children would be, on top of your struggles.
Your DH is right to a certain extent, life will become easier once the demands of schooling etc decrease and they find their place in world, however that looks like for them.
I don’t think it’s healthy to keep looking backwards, which is why you need to speak to someone.
Neurodiversity not always, but usually has a genetic aspect. My eldest is very similar to my own Dad and Brother, and some of his struggles mirror my own anxieties.

Every SEN mum I know is on meds for anxiety or depression. That’s not a coincidence. It’s very hard, and relentless.

I have 16 yr old twins, both autistic. DS still in nappies. One if not both will be with me for life. I’m AuDHD too. I say this just to underline that I do understand.

You sound stuck wishing for a life you never had. I really think counselling would help because although it won’t change your reality, it would help you to work through those feelings of grief and resentment.

I sometimes think I’m quite lucky actually. I read posts on here from parents trying to navigate typical teen angst and dramas and I’m grateful that I’m never going to have to deal with that.

My DC aren’t going to parties and getting drunk, they’re not at risk of taking drugs, I don’t have to stress about sex/teen pregnancies. No panicking because they’re not at a friend’s house where they said they would be. (And no judgement implied at all - I was a wayward teen that probably drive my DM to the brink of insanity!)

The way I see it is yes, it’s harder in many ways, but in others, it’s easier. Swings and roundabouts.

And although you are still in the trenches at the moment, I bet it was even harder when they were younger. I find that it’s easy to forget how hard things were before because you’re too ground down trying to deal with the here and now,

Yes, your DC may be with you for longer but you sound as if you have a great plan for that. It does get easier as they mature - and you won’t have the constant battle with the LA/schools either. That is so incredibly draining. You probably don’t even realise how much it takes out of you. I didn’t until I didn’t have to do it any more.

I think your GP needs to review your meds as you sound incredibly depressed. You could also ask about counselling at the same time although if you have the finances private counselling is a better option.

Connecting with other SEN parents would really really help you. And maybe your DC too. If you’re in Gloucestershire, DM me.

Also, are you ND too? That’s something worth considering.

I know it’s hard to see right now but it sounds as if your DC have lots of positive attributes. It’s just hard to see that right now because you’re feeling so overwhelmed.

People always tell me to do something for me too but I find it hard and just another thing that I’m not achieving. But what I have found happiness in is sticking my AirPods in and going for a walk for an hour. Simple, easy, flexible - but I really miss it when I don’t do it.

Sending 💐

What a great post.

I don't have SEN kids, but have often felt completely at the end of my rope. No shame in saying this.

I was similar, I told DP if he wanted children fine, but he would have to take the time off with them, while i went back to my career. I didn't want to be with them all day when they were tiny, because I didn't fancy it.
I said i would do more of the heavy lifting once they were at school.
He decided that he was happy to live without children, and we have no regrets.

This is why we stopped at one - we just felt too lucky to jinx it.

@thegreenlight Sorry if my question is tonedeaf- but do you have to work? I honestly couldn't hold down a job with all the worries with DS1. Luckily DHs salary is enough for us even though he's not a high earner with mn standards(70k/y). Like you I'm responsible for my children but that's my "job" so no resentment that DH is less invested (he also doesn't "get them" as I do). You sound like you are heading for burnout so atleast consider your options. If your dc get DLA and you get carer's maybe it's viable?

Yes it's because you love them with your whole being that you feel this burden so deeply. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this op.
I would look at alternatives if current NHS help hasn't helped....??
Sorry I can't be of more help
Sending you huge hugs 🫂
https://www.neuronic.online/blog/autism-light-therapy-pbm-research

Well I’ll disagree back because I also have a child with SEN and I don’t resent him or hate parenting him whatsoever. I still work FT in an intense role, as does DH and we have four older NT DC including teens going through GCSEs to contend with.

Our lives are very full and testing but we love being parents and it makes it a lot easier. We have little in the way of family support too. If I was pushed into parenting and felt pressured into it as OP described, I imagine my DC’s SEN would be far far more challenging to handle.

She should keep working. If she’s anything like me, work will be her escape. Sitting around ruminating at home while they’re at school will make her feel ten times worse.

That would be all we have in common and I’m exhausted dealing with it for myself and always get put upon to write emails/fill out forms/ make suggestions for people as I used to be a teacher and I can barely deal with my own situation let alone anyone elses

It's exhausting enough for you as you're managing all this by yourself with little help from your husband. Who are the people adding to your stress? They need to stop asking you to do things for them.

I'm not sure that is helpful to OP.

My husband is amazing - he really is… He does try to parent them like NT children and it’s not always helpful.

How does this declaration that your husband is amazing match up with your earlier statement that you are the one fighting for additional help for the kids all by yourself?

When you said that I actually assumed like some others probably did, that you worked part time or were a SAHM.

The fact you now say you also work full-time makes his lack of involvement worse.

Why isn’t he doing more for the kids? In what way is he amazing?