To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

@tallulahlulah and others who have posted about adult children in supported living. I have worked in this area as a support worker and just wanted to say that we try really hard to support adults to be as independent as possible whilst giving them the help they need with day to day living. Everything is designed to be 'person centred' and I have to say that we had a lot of laughs on a daily basis as well as dealing with challenging behaviour. I have also worked in a day opportunities centre which was attended by lots of older adults some of whom still lived with elderly parents. It will be so difficult for those older adults to adapt to living in a new environment when their parents die. Those of us with NT children expect our children to move out when they become young adults and ND children should have the same opportunities without the parents feeling any guilt. Those of us in the sector will do our very best to support your children whatever their age.

Sanctimony is not helpful, Florence.

@thegreenlight
Maybe you can get some help and info here:

https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory/neurothrive

https://parentingspecialchildren.co.uk/parents-carers/support-groups/neurodivergent-parent-carer-support-group/

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/human-resources/equality-diversity-inclusion-committees-and-networks/parents-and-carers-together/parents-and-carers

My suggeztion would be that you join a group and you dh joins another. You both need to have your own spaces to vent.

Could you be ND, too?

https://www.theneurodiversitypractice.com/parents

I'm not on medication either. I am quite selfish in carving out time for myself. To do the things that keep me sane.

However. Just because life is pretty steady for you now, doesn't mean it'll stay like that. Life has a way of knocking us on our arses. Our partners die, we get older, life changing incidents happen. We see our adult child(ren) who is/are going to probably outlive us, that sort of stress takes its toll eventually. It's not the sort of thing you can take for granted

Op you deserve a medal ! . Could you have a day / afternoon off each week , leave the kids with DH or perhaps a carer?. Just so you get regular breaks? time to do something you like or just to be quiet with no one to think about but yourself ? My heart goes out to you hope things improve x

It's a mixed bag. It relieves a lot of pressure but work outside home also provides a break and a sense of achievement and personhood separate from the family. Probably even more important when you're in it for the long haul.

I'm not working at the moment (dealing with adult disabled child who isn't as complicated as some, so easier to find bright points and do lovely things with them that I enjoy) but I do miss the ability to work sometimes. If I could find a job one day a week I'd do it, but those jobs are so rare.

Last night I dreamed I had taken on a full time job. On one hand it was great, but within a few hours of starting, I was thinking of my child at home alone and already planning to resign. Even in my dreams the conflict exists.

I'd be cautious about giving it up altogether but going very part-time might be a good middle option.

Agree, it also depends on care needs, and I will admit the care needs for ours are low beyond some occasional emotional and social support.

ND is a spectrum after all, I’m just not sure a sweeping statement that most people who have SEN children are on medication or depressed is helpful… and speaking anecdotally, none of the SEN parents I know are depressed or taking medication, but that is caveated by the fact our kids all have low support needs.