To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

@tallulahlulah and others who have posted about adult children in supported living. I have worked in this area as a support worker and just wanted to say that we try really hard to support adults to be as independent as possible whilst giving them the help they need with day to day living. Everything is designed to be 'person centred' and I have to say that we had a lot of laughs on a daily basis as well as dealing with challenging behaviour. I have also worked in a day opportunities centre which was attended by lots of older adults some of whom still lived with elderly parents. It will be so difficult for those older adults to adapt to living in a new environment when their parents die. Those of us with NT children expect our children to move out when they become young adults and ND children should have the same opportunities without the parents feeling any guilt. Those of us in the sector will do our very best to support your children whatever their age.

Sanctimony is not helpful, Florence.

@thegreenlight
Maybe you can get some help and info here:

https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory/neurothrive

https://parentingspecialchildren.co.uk/parents-carers/support-groups/neurodivergent-parent-carer-support-group/

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/human-resources/equality-diversity-inclusion-committees-and-networks/parents-and-carers-together/parents-and-carers

My suggeztion would be that you join a group and you dh joins another. You both need to have your own spaces to vent.

Could you be ND, too?

https://www.theneurodiversitypractice.com/parents

I'm not on medication either. I am quite selfish in carving out time for myself. To do the things that keep me sane.

However. Just because life is pretty steady for you now, doesn't mean it'll stay like that. Life has a way of knocking us on our arses. Our partners die, we get older, life changing incidents happen. We see our adult child(ren) who is/are going to probably outlive us, that sort of stress takes its toll eventually. It's not the sort of thing you can take for granted

Op you deserve a medal ! . Could you have a day / afternoon off each week , leave the kids with DH or perhaps a carer?. Just so you get regular breaks? time to do something you like or just to be quiet with no one to think about but yourself ? My heart goes out to you hope things improve x

It's a mixed bag. It relieves a lot of pressure but work outside home also provides a break and a sense of achievement and personhood separate from the family. Probably even more important when you're in it for the long haul.

I'm not working at the moment (dealing with adult disabled child who isn't as complicated as some, so easier to find bright points and do lovely things with them that I enjoy) but I do miss the ability to work sometimes. If I could find a job one day a week I'd do it, but those jobs are so rare.

Last night I dreamed I had taken on a full time job. On one hand it was great, but within a few hours of starting, I was thinking of my child at home alone and already planning to resign. Even in my dreams the conflict exists.

I'd be cautious about giving it up altogether but going very part-time might be a good middle option.

Agree, it also depends on care needs, and I will admit the care needs for ours are low beyond some occasional emotional and social support.

ND is a spectrum after all, I’m just not sure a sweeping statement that most people who have SEN children are on medication or depressed is helpful… and speaking anecdotally, none of the SEN parents I know are depressed or taking medication, but that is caveated by the fact our kids all have low support needs.

Just to crystal clear, what I said was “Every SEN mum I know is on meds for anxiety or depression. That’s not a coincidence. It’s very hard, and relentless.”

Every SEN mum “I” know. That’s within my personal circle and within the not-for-profit SEN group I ran which provided specialised support to families in our area. It is anecdotal and we all speak from our own experience.

Your most recent post indicates your child has low support needs and only has “occasional” support needs.

I don’t have families like yours in my social circle - all my friends have children with needs that range from medium-high to profound. As do mine. And the group I ran would have been at the even higher end of that too. So perhaps less surprising that my experiences are different than yours.

The “sweeping statement” you keep referencing as “not being helpful” was me talking about my personal experiences. However offensive you find this fact doesn’t stop it from being true.

And if there are parents with SEN children who have medium/high/profound needs that don’t need/haven’t needed mental health support of some kind then that’s absolutely brilliant for them. I mean that genuinely and wholeheartedly. I never claimed to speak for every parent - I was simply sharing my personal experience of the very many strong, intelligent, practical women who have all needed to take medication.

But not being able to cope carries a lot of shame and stigma. And I think the opposite of what you’re saying is true - I actually think that hearing that many other parents in similar positions also needed antidepressant medication is helpful. If you’re struggling, hearing about other SEN parents who have needed help in some way can give you “permission” to say “I’m not coping” or “I’m feeling incredibly stressed and can’t go on like this.”

Bearing in mind the OP is also on medication but clearly still struggling with her mental health, it’s particularly relevant here. When you’re at rock bottom, I think it’s helpful to hear that you’re not the only one to have/had those feelings and you’re not weak, or a failure. Hearing that other families are coping just fine just makes you feel even more shit, and increases your feelings isolation, and underlines your beliefs that you are just a crap parent (which is almost always never the case). Of course, it’s great if other parents are doing well, but that’s not always what helps you the most when you’re down - it’s the voices of solidarity that often mean the most.

We’ll just need to agree to disagree on this in the strongest possible terms.

Wow. Please don't ever become a counsellor. A disgraceful lack of empathy. Shame on you. OP came here for support, not a kicking. OP loves her child with every fibre of her being FFS, but she is allowed to also feel despairing given her situation.

@Mumtobabyhavoc a helpful and well thought out post.

OP, ignore some of the dross on here.