Help! How to get my manager to STOP making sexual comments?

[Reallyunsurewhattodo5]

Just not sure what to do tbh and wondered if anyone else has been in this situation and has any advice!

obviously I’m not going to say the exact job to keep it anonymous, but it’s a grad position and I’m mid 20s and definitely have a lot of learning still to do about both the work itself and workplaces in general.

I started about 6 months ago and have gradually settled and become part of the team. My manager (not a grad position himself but just the overall manager of the place, I’d guess he’s mid 40s in age) initially seemed fine, but as I became more settled in he started to be a bit more himself which unfortunately means hearing a LOT of sex jokes and references. They’re not targeted just for me and he’s like that in general with everyone, but the others just seem to laugh it off. But they’re always really vulgar and really, really graphical and detailed and it makes me so uncomfortable

So for example we had someone really creepy who had to get banned, and my manager kept winding me up by saying how this man had come in to see me to ‘top up his wank bank’ and how he’s probably at home touching his balls thinking about putting his ‘wrinkly old dick inside you’. The comments kept happening over multiple occasions and at first I honestly had no idea what to say because it caught me off guard, and then after that I said ‘ew don’t say that’ but it was awkward because it was in front of everyone and they were all laughing. Obviously just starting this job I don’t want to make a bad impression but really graphical sexual jokes like that just make me so uncomfortable

he’s the kind of guy who you could say ‘it’s lovely weather today’ and he’d somehow make it into a vulgar joke. He was winding up one of the other girls for sleeping with the entire town- she laughed along but I could tell she was a bit like wtf? And once I was talking about catching up with a friend who I hadn’t seen in ages and was really excited to hang out with, and he was like ‘look we get it you want to pump him’ and I was like why would you say that?! And he was like ‘it’s obvious you want him to spray his load deep in you’ for the record I absolutely didn’t but again it caught me so off guard I was like what the fuck.

theres about a billion other examples I could give, it’s how he is constantly

I’ve never really experienced this before and just not sure what the best approach is, but I just want it to stop because I like the job itself (great salary, close to my house etc) but it’s exhausting listening to this crap constantly and it just makes me feel so dirty and horrible after it and it’s always so embarrassing in front of people. And I look like a killjoy for not laughing along. Has anyone ever had this before and how did you deal with it?

That's one option. The excellent HR person who advised me gave me three choices: she would speak to him, she would accompany me and we would both speak to him, or I would go alone. I chose the latter because I think grown women should stand up for themselves but I recognise that isn't the right option for everyone.

I think it depends entirely on the person. If you feel confident enough doing it, fine, if not then HR back up. The only thing I’d be slightly worried about is if doing it by yourself he still doesn’t listen and carries on regardless.

This . I was in a new job many years ago before harassment policies, I liked the work , I had doubled my previous wage and I was terrified of reporting it and being seen as a trouble maker , in case I was shown the door as I could be given notice for no reason in my six month trail period . It started off small and escalated. I felt I couldn’t say anything when it got worse because I had tolerated it and he did it in front of other colleagues who I know would have supported him if I had took this further . I should have shut this down when it started . I can see where I went wrong .

Do you have any employee benefits including an EAP
scheme you can speak to?
may have legal advice too . Also
join a union like Unite

What a repulsive man.
Report, report, report.

Surely you would want a witness to a conversation like that

HR now.

In this case, I didn't need one as there were 12 witnesses to the senior man's harassing of me. The HR woman knew him very well and described what his body language would be like if he accepted he had been in the wrong. He did exactly as she predicted.

I'm glad it worked out for you. But I'm really surprised that HR recommended you had a conversation just the two of you

Record, report and stand up to him.

The only thing you’re being unreasonable about is:
-I was like
-he was like
-she was like

Inserting “like” into every phrase is beyond annoying. You’re a graduate, not a 13 year old Californian!

Cripes that’s blatant sexual harassment! You absolutely can complain. Your manager will be suspended if not sacked. He’s a walking liability!!

HR gave it as one of three options. I take the point though. The organisation would have been better covered if there had been a witness.

My harasser was a seriel offender and lost his job a year or so later when the company was acquired by an American buyer which saw he was a liability. Suggesting to a female colleague that her success in a project is down to her sleeping with the project lead, interrupting her mid-presentation, to share this gem of an idea, is pretty dumb.

Have you told him straight that it makes you uncomfortable? I would. Just say the vulgar humour and sex jokes are really not your thing and you don't like it. Honestly though, if that's the culture, you might just have to look elsewhere. It's not right but you've been there 5 minutes so it's unlikely that you'd succeed with a complaint to hr.

I've been in workplaces where the culture really hasn't suited me and the 'banter' is just nasty. The current one is quite big on sex jokes but I'll just give it back, it doesn't bother me. They're genuinely nice guys, they just haven't matured much past 12 years old. I can deal with that. It's better than the thinly veiled bullying at the last one.

What a complete bell-end. I hope his life is an absolute shit show now

The days of oh that's Dave just being Dave are long over.
Report it.
Funnily enough the sexist,racist,homophobic prick at my last place was called Dave.

I did complain as there was a lone woman in our daily morning meetings and I was disgusted by the crap that came out of his mouth.
It dialled down for a couple of weeks then it was business as usual.
Best bit he wouldn't have dared talk like that Infront of his own wife.

He’s doing this precisely because you are young and it feels like a power imbalance. But everyone is right, it’s a form of sexual harassment. I was in this position in my early 20’s and said nothing. I regret it bitterly because all it did was enable this person to continue their behaviour. If you have a HR dept they will have to act. What he is doing is very obviously illegal. Keep records, write down dates and comments.

Please don't blame yourself for someone else's bad behaviour. It's easy, with hindsight, to think you could have changed what happened but you wouldn't have needed to if he had been a decent person.

I think it probably is as he disappeared without trace after the sacking. Having started from nothing at 16, he'd reached the dizzy heights of a European directorship in a City firm only to have to plunge back down to a remote corner of Essex.

For the last couple of years, we have had to do online "training" at work on sexual harassment and discrimination (racial/sexual/religious). I get believe it is a UK thing as the law changed with regards to it, so most companies would have had to provide similar training. So I imagine "Dave" knows exactly what he is doing and also that he shouldn't be, but is presuming you are too young/naive/scared to do anything about it. I would absolutely go to HR with this.

what a horrible to focus on considering what the OP has said?
like, how does it effect you if she writes in that manner ?

You already have a lot of people telling you how this is sexual harassment. It 100% is. And people have laid out the legislation. What you shouldn’t do is just go and resign. He’s a manager. He’s not the top of the chain. You need to go one person above him or as people have said HR.

This is harassment. Record every single thing that’s been said/done and make a formal complaint. They may discourage it but if they do not handle it properly (fire him for gross misconduct), you can go to tribunal which would result in a big payout.

I think poster was trying to make a point that not only is OP is not unreasonable, but also well educated and able to articulate a proper complaint.

This is absolutely disgusting! And not something I could deal with by ignoring or laughing along. I would definitely escalate this as I know it would affect me mentally - listening to this regularly and the anxiety I’d feel knowing I had that to deal with in the office the next day

Law firms are the worst! (Speaking from experience)