Help! How to get my manager to STOP making sexual comments?

[Reallyunsurewhattodo5]

Just not sure what to do tbh and wondered if anyone else has been in this situation and has any advice!

obviously I’m not going to say the exact job to keep it anonymous, but it’s a grad position and I’m mid 20s and definitely have a lot of learning still to do about both the work itself and workplaces in general.

I started about 6 months ago and have gradually settled and become part of the team. My manager (not a grad position himself but just the overall manager of the place, I’d guess he’s mid 40s in age) initially seemed fine, but as I became more settled in he started to be a bit more himself which unfortunately means hearing a LOT of sex jokes and references. They’re not targeted just for me and he’s like that in general with everyone, but the others just seem to laugh it off. But they’re always really vulgar and really, really graphical and detailed and it makes me so uncomfortable

So for example we had someone really creepy who had to get banned, and my manager kept winding me up by saying how this man had come in to see me to ‘top up his wank bank’ and how he’s probably at home touching his balls thinking about putting his ‘wrinkly old dick inside you’. The comments kept happening over multiple occasions and at first I honestly had no idea what to say because it caught me off guard, and then after that I said ‘ew don’t say that’ but it was awkward because it was in front of everyone and they were all laughing. Obviously just starting this job I don’t want to make a bad impression but really graphical sexual jokes like that just make me so uncomfortable

he’s the kind of guy who you could say ‘it’s lovely weather today’ and he’d somehow make it into a vulgar joke. He was winding up one of the other girls for sleeping with the entire town- she laughed along but I could tell she was a bit like wtf? And once I was talking about catching up with a friend who I hadn’t seen in ages and was really excited to hang out with, and he was like ‘look we get it you want to pump him’ and I was like why would you say that?! And he was like ‘it’s obvious you want him to spray his load deep in you’ for the record I absolutely didn’t but again it caught me so off guard I was like what the fuck.

theres about a billion other examples I could give, it’s how he is constantly

I’ve never really experienced this before and just not sure what the best approach is, but I just want it to stop because I like the job itself (great salary, close to my house etc) but it’s exhausting listening to this crap constantly and it just makes me feel so dirty and horrible after it and it’s always so embarrassing in front of people. And I look like a killjoy for not laughing along. Has anyone ever had this before and how did you deal with it?

Awful. Report him to HR seems the obvious answer but appreciate it's a bit over facing when he's the manager and you haven't been there long. But he's way beyond what's acceptable so don't feel daunted.

Very odd!

Log everything, maybe the only response you shoulfd give is along the lines of do you think thats appropriate humour for the work place? or please stop making those gross comments, you're making me uncomfortable.
When asked to stop does he? Has he ever apologised? I think this is definitely HR time like PPs have said

Get your phone out and ask him to repeat it as you want to complain to HR x

I’m not convinced this is true. He would have already been reported to HR. Many times.

I wouldn't raise it with him. He knows his behaviour is totally unacceptable and won't respond well. He'll freeze you out or start covering his tracks, getting witnesses onside etc.

Go straight to HR/the owner/manager.

This is the most extreme I have heard of in a long time, and I've worked in all kinds of roles where there may be cheeky innuendos and banter but never to the level being described here. If true - HR now. If not true - what a weird post for a Thursday morning, it sounds like the poster is filling up their own wank bank 🤢

Or she could have posted before work, and can't update during the day.

The advice given here can be useful to other people in this situation whether or not op updates the thread.

I hope he gets sacked. Completely unacceptable behaviour

I imagine you are not the only one feeling this way, he is getting away with this because he is being allowed to. I think you need to be very very strong and report this. If this was in my workplace he would be dealt with in great severity and most likely sacked. His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

The last time I knew someone like this was almost 40 years ago! It was totally unacceptable even then. My colleague was his main target, she became unwell and almost gave up her job. A bright, capable woman in her 30s became a shadow of her former self. Her abuser (also older and more senior, married to a lovely woman who also worked for the same company) started small and then gradually escalated when he wasn't challenged. So, it was hard to say when he had crossed the line because she felt she had gone along with his behaviour at first and maybe it was her fault for encouraging him.

You have given several examples which are reportable. Please go to your HR department or his manager. Encourage others to do so too. I am horrified that anyone could hear him and not challenge him, even if his 'banter' was acceptable his language is absolutely gross.

Thats horrible for you. What a horrible man.

So I would keep a diary.
Can you record him on your mobile?
Gather the evidence then report it .

No evidence no crime.

I would also talk to an organisation like womens aid ?

For the few posters wondering if I’m real and where I’d gone for such an ‘urgent request’ seriously just fuck off, I’ve been working today (not exactly surprising since it’s a Thursday) and I’m out for my lunch break now

im a long term poster who name changed for obvious reasons, any concerns just report to MN who can vouch that I’m not a new troll

Thanks so much for all the advice, I’ve not even had the chance to look properly because I posted while walking to work and I’ve been crazy busy all morning so just catching up on my lunch now!

it’s actually been fine today (ironically enough) and he hasnt said a single thing, I’m still going to report and take it further but thankfully today hasn’t been too bad at all

ah OP i have had managers like this. Do you really value the job? from my experience workplaces that tolerate this crap are not great for long term prospects anyway so I would start looking for a better employer.

I've had a manager like this (in a law firm, as a trainee solicitor). Some colleagues did report him but nothing changed, they just got themselves a huge target on their back.

I shut up, shared nothing, stopped trying to make friends, left every social event at the earliest opportunity so as not to leave myself vulnerable when everyone was drinking alcohol, and got a job at another law firm as soon as I qualified. I actually got quite emotional after my first week in the new place when I realized how toxic my old law firm had been.

Honestly I don’t value the job in particular ( the degree is a vocational job so every job I get will be the exact same career if that makes sense) but location wise it’s perfect, and the salary is brilliant and I’m trying so hard to save a deposit to buy a house right now so I’ve just been thinking it’s worth it for the money, but it’s so frustrating to have to put up with and I’m not even sure it’s worth it for the money anymore x

That sounds like a veryyyy similar set up to what I’m trying to explain!

and a few people had commented doubting I was telling the truth because other people would have reported him but the majority of my colleagues are guys and it seems to be a sort of lad lad lad culture, and I think the other woman haven’t complained because nobody wants to be seen as a killjoy or make themselves a target, that’s what’s held me back so I’m assuming they’re the same

ah I’m so glad to hear you got a better job! x

You need to speak to HR.

if no HR then your manager’s manager

Client/customer/patient who was being creepy and kept asking details of where staff lived and was being too forward and making sexual comments to staff despite being told to stop it

i cant explain it anymore without actually giving it away which obviously I can’t do

the ironic thing was, my manager was actually brilliant at dealing with that situation and had a zero tolerance towards it, which makes me think he considers his own behaviour just a joke/banter

so think like a doctors surgery. I’m not a GP but that’s the closest example I can think of. I’d be the GP and the manager would be a practice manager but not a GP himself. That’s probably the closest example I can think of without giving it fully away

I had a similar experience with a local authority colleague several decades ago. Loads of "Not funny, Dave", "Please don't say things like that to me/in front of me" and "Did you mean to be so utterly offensive?" made no difference.

I'd been there a year or so when the council finally introduced a sexual harassment policy and procedure. A few days after it was approved, he came into my (shared, so there was a witness) office and made some utterly vile comment or other.

I didn't even look up from my desk and just said "Dave, you may not be aware but the council approved the sexual harassment policy on Tuesday. Please don't make me be the first person to use it."

According to my colleague, he went pale! Anyway, it worked, and he never said anything inappropriate to me again. It might be worth a try.

They were so backward at that council that they had to be told to take down the Sun Page 3 calendar before I joined the team. It had been entirely male until I joined.

It is gross misconduct and therefore sackable behaviour.

Before you do anything, join a union and speak to ACAS today. Take every bit of their advice.

Your employer will need to process your grievance swiftly, in light of recent sexual harassment legislation. He is a high risk to the organisation.

Best of luck. Phone ACAS now if you can and I hope you are safe from him today x

In my experience, you can stick it out just fine by being careful not to put yourself in a vulnerable position BUT after a while you will realize you are not getting promoted or the opportunities to further your career. It's basically a dead end job after a while. Grt what you need out of it and move on quickly. The manager is not the problem. Everyone else around him is the problem and you can't change the culture of a whole office.

A word of encouragement about dealing with HR. I was in a not dissimilar situation in a large corporate years ago and went reluctantly to HR expecting not very much. Instead, I received excellent advice and genuine support. Whilst it's true that HR is there to support the business, it's important to remember that that includes not allowing employees to be sexually harassed.