Help! How to get my manager to STOP making sexual comments?

[Reallyunsurewhattodo5]

Just not sure what to do tbh and wondered if anyone else has been in this situation and has any advice!

obviously I’m not going to say the exact job to keep it anonymous, but it’s a grad position and I’m mid 20s and definitely have a lot of learning still to do about both the work itself and workplaces in general.

I started about 6 months ago and have gradually settled and become part of the team. My manager (not a grad position himself but just the overall manager of the place, I’d guess he’s mid 40s in age) initially seemed fine, but as I became more settled in he started to be a bit more himself which unfortunately means hearing a LOT of sex jokes and references. They’re not targeted just for me and he’s like that in general with everyone, but the others just seem to laugh it off. But they’re always really vulgar and really, really graphical and detailed and it makes me so uncomfortable

So for example we had someone really creepy who had to get banned, and my manager kept winding me up by saying how this man had come in to see me to ‘top up his wank bank’ and how he’s probably at home touching his balls thinking about putting his ‘wrinkly old dick inside you’. The comments kept happening over multiple occasions and at first I honestly had no idea what to say because it caught me off guard, and then after that I said ‘ew don’t say that’ but it was awkward because it was in front of everyone and they were all laughing. Obviously just starting this job I don’t want to make a bad impression but really graphical sexual jokes like that just make me so uncomfortable

he’s the kind of guy who you could say ‘it’s lovely weather today’ and he’d somehow make it into a vulgar joke. He was winding up one of the other girls for sleeping with the entire town- she laughed along but I could tell she was a bit like wtf? And once I was talking about catching up with a friend who I hadn’t seen in ages and was really excited to hang out with, and he was like ‘look we get it you want to pump him’ and I was like why would you say that?! And he was like ‘it’s obvious you want him to spray his load deep in you’ for the record I absolutely didn’t but again it caught me so off guard I was like what the fuck.

theres about a billion other examples I could give, it’s how he is constantly

I’ve never really experienced this before and just not sure what the best approach is, but I just want it to stop because I like the job itself (great salary, close to my house etc) but it’s exhausting listening to this crap constantly and it just makes me feel so dirty and horrible after it and it’s always so embarrassing in front of people. And I look like a killjoy for not laughing along. Has anyone ever had this before and how did you deal with it?

Beyond unacceptable. Do you have a HR department you can speak to?

Copy your post - all the examples plus how it makes you feel and how you want it to stop, how you want to feel safe at work, not just when it’s directed at you but in general around your office and how you’ve seen other women looking uncomfortable. All of it.

Send it to his manager and to HR. Do it today. You will be protected.

This is horrible, I'm 50 and had a manager exactly like this in my early 20s I thought/hoped things had changed. It is absolutely not ok and also not even funny (assuming funny is what he's aiming for) I can almost guarantee the rest of your team feel the same but no one wants to rock the boat. My advice is keep a record of what he says, try to have a conversation with someone else who is obviously finding it uncomfortable, easier to report if you know someone else agrees. Good luck

This is really shocking.

As PP asked, is there an HR department?
If not, I’d ask for a meeting with him. Explain that you assume he means nothing by his sexual references and jokes, and that he believes others may find them amusing etc, but that you ABSOLUTELY DON’T. They make you very uncomfortable, and you don’t want him to speak to you like that ever again.

Then see what happens.

You do know that this is sexual harassment don’t you? And that he is probably getting off on making you feel uncomfortable. Could you record some of it on your phone without him realising ? You need to keep a detailed list until you have a few examples with dates and witnesses, then you need to go to HR and make a complaint. This is not ok.
if there is anyone else who feels the same and won’t dismiss it as banter, then do this together.

You really can’t allow this to continue, if you have HR you need to raise it with them (are you close enough to others to have a chat with them to see how they feel and if they want to complain as well?) and if this is not possible, you should consider resigning.

This is unacceptable sexual harassment, and not remotely ok. As everyone else has said, keep a list of incidents and exactly what’s said and wh3n, and put it in the hands of HR.

I agree with the advice to report to his manager/HR. What your manager is doing is actually illegal; employers have a legal duty to protect their staff from sexual harassment (which this undoubtedly is), so if they have any sense they will put a stop to this behaviour immediately.

Yup. Back on the 80s when I started work this was the norm but we fought back so our daughters and granddaughters didn't have to put up with it. It’s repulsive and totally unacceptable.

I appreciate he’s in a position of power and you might be nervous about your job but in most workplaces he would be fired for that kind of sexual harassment.

Unfortunately unless you stand up in some way it’s going to carry on happening, and it’s going to take more than a quiet word from his boss for him to stop.

Can you

• talk to HR if there is one?
• Talk to other employees who he is targeting?
• have a stock passive aggressive response whenever he says something like that - I can’t think of anything fab off the top of my head but eg “it’s the 21st century Bob, saying that makes you look like a dirty old man”

That is outrageous and revolting behaviour and I can’t believe someone could be so thick as to think it’s acceptable! Has he not done any training on acceptable behaviour in the workplace, read the policies etc? Your colleagues laughing is almost definitely because they don’t know how else to react.

Speak to HR or your manager’s manager. Keep a log of his comments as you may forget a lot of them in a meeting. What size employer is this? Corporate giant or small new starter?

Or, you could say to him please don’t make comments like that or tell him politely that sexual comments in the workplace are inappropriate, however he sounds like the type who will think his own jokes are hilarious. If HR are useless then you will either need to stay up for yourself or leave. Only a toxic workplace will back a manager who behaves like this.

Do not meet him on your own. Take a witness. Are you in a union?

Why should she resign if she likes the job otherwise? If the HR dept are half way decent they will put a stop to this.

I think it is very difficult especially in a grad job but what is happening is totally unacceptable. I would definitely look for another role but also flag it to hr. If he says something to you directly then you have to find the courage to respond so, you do know that is unacceptable, have you ever done equality training, these are not comments for the work place etc. I really feel for you and know tackling this is hard. It deeply saddens me that young women are still experiencing these types of comments.

Because her safety needs to be prioritised. OP didn’t say what the set up is, there isn’t always a HR department - I never had one in my line of work and this can put you in a very vulnerable and frankly dangerous position. I’ve been there before and accepted horrible things for far too long when there was no way of reporting it and I thought I absolutely needed this job. I know now that no job is worth enduring sexual harassment.

Oh, I absolutely would meet him on my own.
Don’t sit down in the meeting though. Say ‘it’s just a quick one’ - stand tall and proud, say your piece and then leave.

It should do the trick immediately.

If it doesn’t, and there’s no HR, you’re going to need to leave.

Please report this to your manager's manager and tell them it makes you uncomfortable and you want it to stop.

That wouldn’t have been ok even when I started working 27 years ago! Make sure you write down exactly what is said every time it happens, and also who else was around to witness it. Build up a solid list and then take it to HR.

Agree not to give up your job! Why should women have to put up with this and they have to leave! I’d definitely complain to HR. It’s not acceptable.

make a written dossier of all the example you can remember and go to his manager and to HR. Do NOT accept this or resign.

Please please to HR, or another manager you trust. Don’t talk to him about it.

Do NOT try to deal with it one to one. That’s insane advice.

20 years ago when I started work, this was normalised and accepted . Now it would contravene HR policies. The Employment Rights Act says that employers must take ALL reasonable steps to prevent employees from being sexually harassed and this is sexual harassment. PS He knows what he is doing!
These are the definitions
Unwanted Conduct: Physical, verbal, or non-verbal behaviour of a sexual nature. This includes inappropriate touching, sexual comments, displaying sexually explicit material, and sharing explicit digital images. It can be a single, one-off incident or an ongoing pattern of behaviour.
Creating an Intimidating Environment: Conduct that has the purpose or effect of violating the victim's dignity or creating an offensive working environment. The victim's perception and the context of the situation determine whether it is deemed reasonable for the conduct to have this effect.
Find your employer's sexual harassment policy - it might be called dignity at work etc. It should how to report to HR . Keep a record of comments, dates and times and send to HR . You can contact ACAS for advice https://www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

This is absolutely not normal workplace banter, it’s sexual harassment, even if he says those things to everyone. The fact you’re uncomfortable and dreading it is enough reason to take it seriously. A lot of people laugh along in these situations because they feel awkward, trapped, or worried about causing problems, not because they actually think it’s funny. Honestly, trust your instincts here. You shouldn’t have to sit through graphic comments about your body or sex life just to keep the peace at work. If you feel safe to, start documenting comments/dates and consider speaking to HR or someone senior you trust. You’re not being a killjoy at all, your manager is massively crossing professional boundaries.

Disgusting. He's enjoying making you squirm, which is horrendous and an abuse of power. Agree with PP, go to HR immediately, i suspect you won't be alone in your concerns even if others haven't been brave enough to report it.

That’s disgusting! That’s extremely unacceptable in the work place, and him being a manager just means he’s using his power to abuse other people … I’d not make a bit issue in front of him but I’d be putting down comments he’s said to you and others and letting HR know.