Help! How to get my manager to STOP making sexual comments?

[Reallyunsurewhattodo5]

Just not sure what to do tbh and wondered if anyone else has been in this situation and has any advice!

obviously I’m not going to say the exact job to keep it anonymous, but it’s a grad position and I’m mid 20s and definitely have a lot of learning still to do about both the work itself and workplaces in general.

I started about 6 months ago and have gradually settled and become part of the team. My manager (not a grad position himself but just the overall manager of the place, I’d guess he’s mid 40s in age) initially seemed fine, but as I became more settled in he started to be a bit more himself which unfortunately means hearing a LOT of sex jokes and references. They’re not targeted just for me and he’s like that in general with everyone, but the others just seem to laugh it off. But they’re always really vulgar and really, really graphical and detailed and it makes me so uncomfortable

So for example we had someone really creepy who had to get banned, and my manager kept winding me up by saying how this man had come in to see me to ‘top up his wank bank’ and how he’s probably at home touching his balls thinking about putting his ‘wrinkly old dick inside you’. The comments kept happening over multiple occasions and at first I honestly had no idea what to say because it caught me off guard, and then after that I said ‘ew don’t say that’ but it was awkward because it was in front of everyone and they were all laughing. Obviously just starting this job I don’t want to make a bad impression but really graphical sexual jokes like that just make me so uncomfortable

he’s the kind of guy who you could say ‘it’s lovely weather today’ and he’d somehow make it into a vulgar joke. He was winding up one of the other girls for sleeping with the entire town- she laughed along but I could tell she was a bit like wtf? And once I was talking about catching up with a friend who I hadn’t seen in ages and was really excited to hang out with, and he was like ‘look we get it you want to pump him’ and I was like why would you say that?! And he was like ‘it’s obvious you want him to spray his load deep in you’ for the record I absolutely didn’t but again it caught me so off guard I was like what the fuck.

theres about a billion other examples I could give, it’s how he is constantly

I’ve never really experienced this before and just not sure what the best approach is, but I just want it to stop because I like the job itself (great salary, close to my house etc) but it’s exhausting listening to this crap constantly and it just makes me feel so dirty and horrible after it and it’s always so embarrassing in front of people. And I look like a killjoy for not laughing along. Has anyone ever had this before and how did you deal with it?

I can't help but think that if he's secure enough to say all this shit that calling him a dirty old perve isn't going to unsettle him. He'll probably see it as a game and 'banter'.

I'd record everything in a notebook. I'd call ACAS and get their advice.

I wouldn't go straight to HR. I've worked in HR and they protect the company first and foremost.

How repulsive this is. I do feel fo you.

I wouldn't start approaching others personally. I'd do the above steps and think about anonymously whistle blowing.

Sorry you're experiencing this, it's so shit in 2026.

I wouldn't go straight to HR. I've worked in HR and they protect the company first and foremost.

Yes, but protecting the company can be by stopping the company from going before a tribunal. It doesn't automatically mean protecting an employee that is breaking multiple laws and potentially bringing the company into disrepute.

I’m no prude all for a laugh and don’t mind the odd smutty reference
prefer to work somewhere with a bit of banter and life in it
granted sometimes this can be miss judged but I’ll take the rough with the smooth and the entire team are all on the same page

BUT these comments are on another level completely inappropriate and crossing a line

2 options
approach him directly with a warning shot to stop
Report it as inappropriate behaviour

this will not solve itself
how do others feel?

This 100%

I reported them. This was in a big organisation and once I reported it, loads of other people added to the complaint. He was “let go” or would have been sacked after 13 complaints were made!

Have you passed your probation period? If not I’d wait until you do in case of retaliatory action on behalf of your manager. Call ACAS for advice as advised, consider joining a Union if that is available to you.

Please, do not resign!!

That is what enables these reprobates to continue behaving like it’s 1974. And you should not have to leave a job you otherwise enjoy because of him.
I remember being in my 20’s and putting up with men’s poxy sexist shit and having to smile along like a people pleaser, so I’m really sympathetic for your situation.

I wonder if this absolute knobjockey has a mother or god forbid, daughters? And if so, how he’d feel about THEM having to listen to this. I wonder what he’d do if next time he says something so graphic you just politely ask: ‘do you have a mother/partner/daughter yourself, absolutetwat?’ It could be quite a jarring question for him when you casually ask directly after one of his gross attempts at humour. You could simply ask it, and leave it at that - you’re just casually wondering. It might be difficult to directly stand up to him, but that would be my own quiet, more pass-ag way of opposing it if you don’t want direct confrontation.

I so deeply wish for a world where even younger women have the ability to put these pathetic men in their place at the point of these comments happening, and not have to worry about repercussions.
I can only presume there are sadly no middle aged women in your workplace, because I’m pretty sure most of them wouldn’t put up with hearing this shit.

Lets hope you have good HR.

So for example we had someone really creepy who had to get banned,

I'm struggling to imagine what this person who got banned was like if his behaviour was worse than your Manager's.

I agree with pp that this is sexual harassment.

@insomniacalways post is very helpful and I totally agree about contacting ACAS

This is sexual harassment, women can't just be women working, he has to sexualise it and I hate this. Can you try to record it when it happens and then take it further?

This is sexual harassment, and it's illegal.

Yeah. This happened. The giveaway is the urgency of the question and total lack of replies.

Report it. Disgusting behaviour.
I'm all for an innuendo or a risky joke BUT read the room and if it's making you uncomfortable then it needs to stop.
I had someone like this and kept making peverted comments to me. Even turned me asking for keys to a safe into something sexual 🤮
I reported and he never spoke to me again. Everyone complained and no one reported apart from me!

Would actually go one further and be on a teams call with someone and recording the meeting and record it - we often start recording during the meeting or being doing some dictation voice to text speak or something.

You do understand this is not office banter but sustained sexual harassment in the workplace ? It is not up to you to learn or get over it - stop it immediately ideally with something recorded ‘inadvertently’ and don’t report the recording.

report all the incidents so far who was there what he said etc and then straight to HR.

Id then say I was even on a teams call to Sophie about x project and he was making appalling sexual inferences etc don’t mention the recording but it could be useful.

Is this real?

You stop it by going to HR or if no HR then his manager. You explain you are being sexually harassed. Write down all the examples so you can be specific. Stress the impact of the behaviour on you.

Best practice is to go to your manager first and call him out on his behaviour formally, but this is obviously very difficult. The theory is that it gives him a chance to understand the impact of his 'banter' and give him the opportunity to change

Vile. A misogynistic loser who’s stuck in the 80s. I don’t like making a fuss but I’d report him

Record a few examples on your phone covertly (with you saying eeew pack it in or whatever but do say a very firm and clear "can you stop that now please" at some point) and transcribe them with dates, times, witnesses.

Keep the recordings.

If he continues go to HR or his manager to formally raise it as a grievance and provide the transcripts.

Hopefully it will be dealt with, but if you then find yourself let go or managed out, you have evidence if you want to start tribunal process.

Covert recordings are frowned upon by tribunals but they are admissible if they prove wrongdoing.

How to deal with it?
If you feel able, tell him it makes you uncomfortable next time.

Otherwise: keep a record. If you feel able be obvious you are doing this. After a day or two escalate over his head and to HR (or just HR if escalating to hiss biss makes you nervous)

You absolutely do not have to put up with this. Join a union.

HR now. He deserves to lose his job. Just one of those BS comments would probably be sufficient for gross misconduct in my job. Absolutely unacceptable, you do not have to put up with that.

That’s really really disgusting.
I do understand you wanting to make a good impression and being afraid of being ousted potentially.
I’d find a way of reporting this anonymously to HR, with examples of what he’s said to others as well as one directed at you.
Although if you report it to HR and get repercussions, is that somewhere you want to work? Tell HR with your examples boldly.

I’d report it to HR. No need for that sort of talk ever.

Keep a record of everything he says, date, brief notes about context, as close to verbatim as you can.

If you have a HR department, share it with them once you have a few examples and make it clear your request is for new management, not for him to have a slap on the wrist.

If no HR for whatever reason, share with his manager.

I ‘m trying to envisage the work set up here.
The Op possibly implies that the manager is not a graduate, but doesn’t give an indication as to whether this is a larger work place and if her manager has his own manager higher up? She ways her work is a grad position.
I’m also wondering in what context someone really creepy could have been barred. A client of some sort? She talks of someone coming in just to be able to see a member of staff??

Actually, I’m not convinced this is real.
For such an urgent request, where has OP gone?
Sounds like it could be a man, who enjoys winding up ‘the wimmin’.
If so, do fuck off.

You leave. If this guy has always gotten away with being like this there's either no HR or they're totally useless and it's not going to get better. Find another job asap.