AIBU to think using their voucher only on their share was rude?

[Dinnerdrama]

We were invited out to dinner with friends at the weekend.They planned to visit a particular restaurant and asked if we’d like to go along.
We had a nice enough meal, couple bottles of wine, liqueurs. All quite pleasant for a Friday night.
When the bill arrived one of our friends presented a voucher and asked for the bill to be halved and the voucher taken off theirs. The waiter seemed slightly bemused and repeated back the request. Our friend repeated and clarified they wanted the bill split and the voucher taken off their half.
I almost died of second hand mortification. Is this not CF of the highest order?! I wouldn’t dream of doing this when I invited people out. If I was that skint, I’d use the voucher as a couple and
not invite others along.
For the record, I have been out for a meal previously with them where I have had a voucher and I had the voucher taken off the whole bill and split the remainder.
Cannot believe the brass neck, it has put me off going out with them again. Massively embarrassed on their behalf, not sure why, they didn’t seem to be!!

Yep, fully aware of that. It would have been great if OP had mentioned that in her OP (that she'd split a £100 voucher previously) as that fundamentally changes the AIBU.

I'm responding to the person who couldn't get her head around the difference between a general promotional voucher and a personal gift card/voucher and why that might change who's entitled to benefit from it.

Being surprised it wasn't shared isn't the same as feeling entitled to have it shared.

I would share it because I would find it unpleasant not to. Doesn't mean I think others are entitled to a share of it.

Just looking at it the other way around…I’m wondering if your friend does happen to treat you (instead of the other way round), would you let them treat you again the next time, and the next, and the next…

Would you not want to return the favour?
Would you be happy to essentially clear the slate each time and just keep taking?

Because most friends want to return the favour I think…they don’t actually want to keep taking without giving back. There are exceptions of course.

Being surprised it wasn't shared isn't the same as feeling entitled to have it shared.

To feel surprised that someone doesn't share their gift voucher with you suggests that on some level you feel entitled to a share, no matter how you try and position it.

You're confusing the two things entirely. 'offering' and 'accepting'.

Ok, when I offer to treat my friends it's actually a treat and I don't expect them to pay me back. I agree with this statement, I don't treat my friends and family to be given things in return, I do it because I enjoy doing it.

After seeing this post they, or others, might no longer feel they can accept friends' generosity if they can't pay it back. I also don't accept generosity if I'm not in a position to, or have no intention of, paying it back, it just doesn't sit right with me.

Most relationships in life are reciprocal in some way, not with money or things, but time, effort, support, whatever.. if one person only ever takes and never gives anything back the relationship is pretty much doomed, there are plenty of these types of people about who think the world owes them something.

The whole point is, OPs friends ARE in a position to return the favour, but they CHOSE not to in a very awkward way. IMO they should not have accepted using OPs voucher. And if they had no intention of returning the favour (personal choice), then they should have used their voucher when they were alone, not invite others out by TELLING them they had a voucher to use, let OP pay for things they haven't even had and then make a show of not including them in the money off.

Takers only think about themselves, they will probably be very smug that they got OP to pay for some of their meal, and also got to use their money off voucher all to themselves, win win.. completely unaware that they have caused a rift in that friendship by being so discourteous.

And if they had no intention of returning the favour (personal choice), then they should have used their voucher when they were alone, not invite others out by TELLING them they had a voucher to use…

Agree with your post, except I don’t think OP’s friend told OP about the voucher at the time of the invitation.

I don’t think OP knew about it at all until it was time to settle the bill.

It isn't at all. Of one of my children gets given a small bag of sweets at school as often happens with birthdays I would he disappointed if they didn't offer to share a few with their sibling. Not because the other child is entitled to some but because it's the nicer thing to do. I don't force them to share because tjere is no entitlement.

@DappledThings yeah, I think you're trying to reposition it.

I'm not asking whether it would be considered "nice" for a friend to share their gift voucher with you. Of course it would be nice for them to do that.

I'm asking if you would feel entitled to a share of your friends gift voucher. The fact you would be "surprised" if they didn't suggests that on some level you do feel entitled of a share. I would have zero surprise because I feel zero entitlement.

I think you're really overtinking it. But if you want to consider me as thinking I am entitled you are welcome to. I cheerfully disagree

I don’t think the surprise is because of a sense of entitlement. It’s because the friend is behaving with such a lack of awareness.

I wouldn’t help myself to someone else’s box of chocolates without being offered one…because I know I’m not entitled to them, they’re not mine. So I don’t take them.
I know I have no right to take them without an invitation to do so.

If my friend scoffs the lot in front of me without offering one, yes I would be surprised. Because that’s not the social norm, and it’s considered rude behaviour to do that.

@Togetherwearefree how is someone eating an entire box of chocolates in front of someone else without offering one the same as using a personal gift voucher to pay for your half of a meal?

It’s the same concept.

Somewhere like Pizza Express where the prices are inflated to allow for discounts and someone breaks out Clubcard rewards for their share only (thus blocking you from a discount to get to the normal price on your share)... rude.

Somewhere nice and upmarket where the price is always the price... it's just like using cash on their share.

In th second scenario, yes, I would also set my voucher against the whole bill, but it wouldn't bother me if someone else didn't.

Yeah, I don't see it that way at all.

In the chocolate example, one person is actively enjoying something in front of another person who is left with nothing. The “missing out” is sharing something tangible that’s right there.

In the restaurant example, nobody is being denied food or excluded from the experience. The “missing out” is expecting somebody else’s personal gift to subsidise your bill.

I was refuting the idea — which you brought up — that being surprised that someone doesn’t share a gift (whether chocolates or voucher) is because you feel entitled to part of the gift yourself.

It doesn’t.
It’s not the missing out that disturbs primarily, it’s the rudeness.
In fact in the second example (the meal) it’s all about the rudeness. Obviously you have the dinner already as you point out.

You don’t seem to feel that OP’s friend’s behaviour was rude, but it’s clear from the responses on here that it was not acceptable behaviour in many social circles 🤷‍♀️

Chocolate example, I would be suprised if a friend sat and scoffed an entire box of chocolates in front of me and didn't offer to share them (regardless of whether they paid for them or they were gifted).

Restaurant example, I would not be surprised if friends used a personal gift voucher to pay for their half of the bill and didn't offer to split it. As far as I'm concerned it's their "money."

Just because they're both gifts doesn't mean the same "rules" apply. Or you could start listing other gifts and find the analogy quickly starts to crumble.

FWIW I agree with the OP, but only because she clarified that she had split a voucher before. The friends should have either declined earlier, or reciprocated later.

Just because they're both gifts doesn't mean the same "rules" apply. Or you could start listing other gifts and find the analogy quickly starts to crumble.

That’s true, but in this case the same rules do apply in my opinion.

I know you don’t agree with me.
That’s why this thread is controversial.
But many of us see OP’s friend’s behaviour as she does. Rude.

And it’s absolutely nothing to do with a sense of entitlement 😂

@Togetherwearefree as I said, OP's friend was rude... Because she'd happily accepted OP's generosity but didn't return the favour when she had opportunity to.

I would also be miffed.

It's all subjective which is why it's pointless being as cross as OP was. To you those things are different. To me they're the same. Neither of us is wrong. We just see it differently. It's OK to be surprised by people seeing this differently without that meaning anyone is being "entitled".

I don't see why someone should use a gift voucher they've had for their birthday from a relative to subsidise your meal. It's just equivalent to cash payment really isn't it? As long as they pay their share of the bill and you pay your half of the meal is all equal surely? Would you mind if they had received cash from their relatives and used that to pay for their half? No you wouldn't. My parents would be a bit miffed I think if I gave my birthday money/gift to a friend instead of using it for myself as was a gift specifically for me.

If it was a money off or discount voucher or voucher from work or something then that's different and I'd ask for staff to apply that to the whole cost of everyone's meals.

We have discussed all these points more than once in what is now an unfathomably long thread. Would I expect someone to put their gifted cash towards the bill total before splitting it? Maybe. I wouldn't be surprised if they did and I certainly would myself.

The idea that when you give a gift you have any right to be miffed if someone chooses to spend it on other people at the same time as themselves is one of the oldest things about this whole saga.

Ok it would be lovely if you wanted to share your gifted money but I certainly wouldn't expect my friends to do this!! I expect them to just pay their share!

It would probably depend on the treat. I wouldn't remember for a drink/coffee so yes a clean slate every time.

I would remember if my friends had been generous enough to buy me dinner. If they had a specific reason for treating me more than once in a row I wouldn't dwell on it, but if it was seemingly 'just because' then I would make sure to invite them out and say from the start that it's my treat. Luckily I am in a position to do that now.

But I've been brought up to believe it's rude not to accept a gift/treat, so if I wasn't in a position to return the favour then it could go on and on with them treating me indefinitely, I would expect them to not offer if it was an issue for them.

No but I’d think it odd that the voucher was paraded around on a meal with friends and then applied only to the friends meal. If you don’t want to share it, use it another time. Otherwise apply it to the bill before splitting. I’m totally with OP on this. I’ve asked several friends today (without telling them what I would do first) and they all say the same as me.

It seems a bit grabby to me to expect someone to share a gift voucher just because they used it in front of you.