AIBU to think using their voucher only on their share was rude?

[Dinnerdrama]

We were invited out to dinner with friends at the weekend.They planned to visit a particular restaurant and asked if we’d like to go along.
We had a nice enough meal, couple bottles of wine, liqueurs. All quite pleasant for a Friday night.
When the bill arrived one of our friends presented a voucher and asked for the bill to be halved and the voucher taken off theirs. The waiter seemed slightly bemused and repeated back the request. Our friend repeated and clarified they wanted the bill split and the voucher taken off their half.
I almost died of second hand mortification. Is this not CF of the highest order?! I wouldn’t dream of doing this when I invited people out. If I was that skint, I’d use the voucher as a couple and
not invite others along.
For the record, I have been out for a meal previously with them where I have had a voucher and I had the voucher taken off the whole bill and split the remainder.
Cannot believe the brass neck, it has put me off going out with them again. Massively embarrassed on their behalf, not sure why, they didn’t seem to be!!

And that's another reason why that costa scenario was yet another unhelpful and pointless analogue.

Ok well then dappled things has explained the difference well. That’ll do for my explanation.

This reminds me of a family holiday a few years ago. We did a big food shop and split the cost. I had vouchers (gift cards) from the FSM school holiday scheme. Family thought I should use them and split the remaining balance equally
Ummm no. They were specifically to pay to feed my DC as they were on FSM!

Good job OP wasn't there or she would have been mortified for you/ at you/ for herself/ for everyone in the vicinity.

But not be able to explain why.

I wouldn't have thought so since it's a completely different scenario?

I am more convinced than ever that the 52% on here are just experiencing the horrible realization that they've likely been considered gauche, rude, or selfish on multiple occasions in the past and that's why they're laying into OP. (And NO I don't mean when they didn't share the silver florin that their dead granny gave them because they couldn't afford any shoes, before you all start).

I doubt that. OP said she’d completely understand if it was a case of not being able to afford the meal. It wasn’t in the case she described.

Agreed. The horrors that they’ve only just realised their life is a series of social faux pas.
I’m sure Ricky Gervais could write a cracking comedy about this.

I couldn't care less if people thought I was gauche for spending my own money on myself.

No I don't think she should offer. I got her the wine the week before as a treat because I wanted to.

Oh dear.

Scenario 1. No. You all buy the item and take it home to keep. See also my post about the garden centre about not pooling resources to take plants home (how did we even get here??? 😂) I wouldn’t go to Zara with a €20 voucher and pool our clothing at the end of a shopping trip either.

Scenario 2. Probably, yes. In fact I’d have invited a friend to go with me as I’d find it tedious to do on my own. I can’t imagine ever doing a spa day.

Scenario 3. No. Money is tight, it’s cash, it goes in your wallet with other cash. It’s not an individual note allocated to anything in particular. If money is tight I wouldn’t be shouting people anything. If it were a restaurant gift voucher and I couldn’t afford to share I’d go with my partner, alone. But that scenario would never happen, cash only? We are in a cashless society.

It’s customary in many (most?) circles not to dissect the bill at the end of a restaurant meal to ensure everyone pays for exactly what they ordered. Certainly it is in my circles. We just don’t do that beyond ‘oh, so and so isn’t drinking so they can chuck in X amount less.’. I assume in the OPs circle it’s like that. Is far from unusual.

This thread really has gone in too long now.

Well so is the buying a bottle of wine thing another poster was on about earlier tbf

Nah. I realised that when I read the thread (few years ago now) about salting food before tasting it. The ANGER on that thread. 😂

The reason I feel so strongly about this is because I don't want this to become the norm (and luckily it's not in my circles), where my friends feel the need to reject me offering to treat them if they aren't sure they can treat me back.

But OP made it clear there weren’t financial constraints at play here. It’s a different situation if there are.

I doubt she really knows the full details of their finances.

But I still don't think that matters, the point is if you offer to treat someone you shouldn't expect them to pay you back.

If it becomes the social norm that you must that will only affect those with financial constraints.

I think my disbelief is less around the reciprocity of the sharing gift cards, but more the implication that ALL gift cards should be shared, and her paying was mortifying and even the waiter found it embarrassing, despite him having no context of the previous shared gift card.

So if we take that context out of the equation, I’d still say, well you choosing to share last time was a choice, and it’s reasonable to feel a bit put out that they didn’t do like for like, but you can’t really be upset/mad about it because then you’re only giving to recieve. I think if you’re going to offer something out of generosity, you should draw a line under it. Otherwise it becomes tit for tat.

But the context here is not that she paid for someone last time, it’s that she and others view gift cards as a discount for the group. Which is ridiculous. It’s the same as cash. OP didn’t expect her to pay towards her dinner when she was invited and her using it to pay her half should have no bearing on OP. To me it sounds as if regardless of the previous gift card being shared, OP would still have expected her friend to share her gift card as it’s ‘the done thing’. Which I find really entitled and her reaction is mean spirited and I’m just really glad I don’t have friends like that

bollocks

It’s customary in many (most?) circles not to dissect the bill at the end of a restaurant meal to ensure everyone pays for exactly what they ordered. Certainly it is in my circles. We just don’t do that beyond ‘oh, so and so isn’t drinking so they can chuck in X amount less.’. I assume in the OPs circle it’s like that. Is far from unusual.

It's only customary in circles where people don't take advantage, most people I know do this, obviously some weeks you'll be up and some weeks you'll be down, it works out pretty even over time. It becomes pretty annoying though if people want to split the bill then they make sure they order more than everyone else, or they want to 'do rounds' but they magically skip their round etc etc, or they turn up to parties, don't bring anything with them, and drink and eat as much as they can.

I've got one in my family, and it is fucking tedious. I just can't do the above with them as they massively take the piss. For our wedding we went for a lovely pub meal in a village after, we were paying for everyone's food but we also decided to cover the bar bill to make it easier for the staff, when this relative found out, they told their family and they started ordering cocktails and downing them like they were going out of fashion at £10 each (or leaving them if they didn't like them), I knew they would do something like it and factored it in, but still.. there really are people out there who are like this, some are more subtle than others, but I think it is like a game to some people, to see what they can get for 'free' out of other people's generosity.. they never put their hand in their own pocket for anyone.

I wouldn't choose to socialise with people like that, but unfortunately mine are family, I suspect OPs friends may be a level of this, they are happy to accept generosity, and happy to bill split when they make sure they order more, but are not happy for it to go the other way, it can come as a shock to realise the friends that you like spending time with are only interested in a one way street that benefits them.

The fact that the friend selected the restaurant is a big part of why it feels sketchy to pull out a voucher.

I don’t think a gift card is seen the same way as cash because cash is generally seen as something hard earned whereas everyone knows the gift card didn’t cost the person anything.

There is no obligation to share it! Absolutely none. The issue is using it when others are present without sharing.

If you got a box of chocolates as a present, lovely. If you eat them all yourself at home…delicious, your choice completely. If you take them out and start munching while friends are there, without offering to share, it’s seen differently. It’s the same sort of etiquette in this dinner case, just on a more expensive scale.

And yes, usually friends would return your kindness (in covering most of a dinner bill) at some point in the future, finances permitting obviously. And it could be something like tea and scones at their house, not dinner out, so much less expensive. And it doesn’t have to be soon. It’s not grabby, or about money at all really, it’s just shows they respect you, as you do them. And when friends do respect each other it’s obvious…nobody is keeping a tally, or keeping score, it just all happens naturally.

I think the respect was missing here and OP felt it.

More analogies that are nothing like what's happened....
It's more like you're eating a box of chocolates you were gifted and your friend is eating a box of chocolates they bought themselves, should you give your friend £50?

It's not like that (very bizarre situation but I'm starting to think there are a lot of very strange people around when it comes to sharing so maybe eating your own chocolates in company is normal on here after all) at all!

We’re viewing it from different perspectives, you seem more focused on the fact that OP has shared previously. That’s irrelevant to me as OP has implied that the gift card should have been shared because it’s a gift card, not because she paid with a gift card previously.

Someone at some point paid for that gift card, so it’s not free money, like the restaurant offering a discount. It has cash value, and was a gift. Putting it on a bit of plastic doesn’t change the value, it could just as easily been a cash gift.

It's the exact same except it's dinner not chocolate