AIBU to think using their voucher only on their share was rude?

[Dinnerdrama]

We were invited out to dinner with friends at the weekend.They planned to visit a particular restaurant and asked if we’d like to go along.
We had a nice enough meal, couple bottles of wine, liqueurs. All quite pleasant for a Friday night.
When the bill arrived one of our friends presented a voucher and asked for the bill to be halved and the voucher taken off theirs. The waiter seemed slightly bemused and repeated back the request. Our friend repeated and clarified they wanted the bill split and the voucher taken off their half.
I almost died of second hand mortification. Is this not CF of the highest order?! I wouldn’t dream of doing this when I invited people out. If I was that skint, I’d use the voucher as a couple and
not invite others along.
For the record, I have been out for a meal previously with them where I have had a voucher and I had the voucher taken off the whole bill and split the remainder.
Cannot believe the brass neck, it has put me off going out with them again. Massively embarrassed on their behalf, not sure why, they didn’t seem to be!!

After seeing this post they, or others, might no longer feel they can accept friends' generosity if they can't pay it back.

Unless I was absolutely desperate, I personally wouldn't accept generosity if I had no means of paying it back, it wouldn't sit right with me, and I wouldn't want any of my friends to be out of pocket. If I had no intention of paying it back then I absolutely would not have accepted the offer.. but a lot of people would take advantage of that generosity, that's the point.

I would not share something that was a gift to me

You’re hardly going to go out to dinner on your own though?

Both parties did pay for themselves. One couple simply used a voucher/gift card as part payment.

Well, I could if I wanted I guess.
But a gift card is prepayment to the place I am going to. Why would I have to share that with other people?

This is so nuanced and there's no right or wrong answer.

Depends on:

The friendship: do you regularly 'treat' each other in a reciprocal way, or is that not a thing at all in your relationship?

The invite: did you invite her to come with you, or did a conversation happen where she said she'd like to go there too and you decided together to both go on the same day.

If I invited someone and my day would be a lot more enjoyable if they came too, I would 100% use my voucher to treat both of us.

But I think the main thing I would think about would be, would she do this for me if the roles were reversed? If the answer is yes, then I'd offer it without even thinking, if the answer is no, then I'd do exactly what you did.

I have both kinds of friends, they are treated very differently.

The difference is that someone gives me a gift card to use for a nice meal. That's for me.

If I get a % off voucher in eg a newspaper or more likely an app, that's completely different and I would get it applied to the whole meal - it would make no difference to me anyway. 20% off is 20% off. But if I were given £50, that's like giving me cash to use - I wouldn't apply that to the whole meal unless it was for me to take a friend.

I’m actually with you on this one OP.

Yes, we did take in turns on things.
This spa day was a big thing though. I had a day pass as a birthday gift. My friend said she had always wanted to go, but not on her own.
The only way I could split a day pass would be to pay for half of her entry fee. Which would have meant I was out of pocket. A bit shit when my pass was a birthday gift.

Yep. This thread is mad TBH.
Both DM and DB have the app for Beefeater. They both get regular discount codes that they can share. If we all eat out, they apply the code for the whole meal. Fair enough.
On their birthday, Beefeater gifts them a free meal. On that day, should they pay a share of everyone else's meal?

Both parties did pay for themselves.

No they didn't, they split the bill between them equally, OPs friends had more food and more drinks than OP did, then they didn't reciprocate the voucher use from a previous time either.

By ordering more they have pushed up the bill, they still wanted OP to pay half of their extra puddings and drinks they chose to have, so they were already getting subsidised by OP, and then they made a point of using the voucher just for themselves.

If they paid for what they had (without expecting OP to pay more her end), and paid with a voucher, I wouldn't think they were cheeky, I'd think they were a bit tight, but not cheeky.

When it comes to a gift voucher for dinner, usually the amount is set to cover a dinner for two. Dinner out is about the company as well as the food.

My friend said she had always wanted to go, but not on her own.

You didn't actually invite her to go with you, it was a mutual decision for her to join you, she knew from the outset that you would be using your voucher and she would pay full price.

I personally would have seen it as a win win, for me and my friend, I get in half price and so does she, we both have a great day out together on the cheap, but I'd only do that for someone who I know would do the same for me if the roles were reversed.

Birthdays are different 😁
The person whose birthday it is generally doesn’t pay.

She didn't know about my gift voucher thing. We just both walked in and paid separately.

Yes, but I used the voucher several months after my birthday.

Even better! If she didn't know about the voucher anyway, there couldn't be any misunderstanding or assumptions made about what it was being used for, you used it as a means of payment, no fuss, no muss.

When OP had her voucher she invited her friends out to dinner at x place because she had a voucher to use, she then used the voucher against all their meals.

Her friend a few month later did the same in reverse, inviting them out to X place as she had a voucher to use, I can see why OP would assume they were going to reciprocate, most people I know would, so was surprised that they didn't.

I think it was poor form for them not to reciprocate, but I'd have no problem with someone using a voucher as a means of payment for themselves.

Good at sharing your toys then?

I was referring specifically to this:

On their birthday, Beefeater gifts them a free meal. On that day, should they pay a share of everyone else's meal?

Basically, we’re talking about a free gift of a single meal on a person’s birthday by Beefeaters…obviously, the birthday boy or girl does not need to split the bill with the rest of the party. They can if they want 🤷‍♀️

But then that’s just like saying if they had £100 in cash that they’d use the cash towards paying for the meal?

I think this is part of the problem. There seems to be a mythical rulebook on etiquette, only everyone's got a different version (and everyone thinks theirs is right...).

For my dad's 50th, my stepmum and I booked a family meal at a local restaurant. A found out a few months after the event that a few family members were miffed that they had to pay for their own meal - they assumed my dad would cover everyone's bill (everyone being about 20 people in total).

I was genuinely surprised (and a bit annoyed) by this, but when I checked with a few others, some people - mostly older - agreed that if they were invited out for birthday meal, they would assume that they wouldn't be paying.

So my point is, everyone appears to be operating to a different set of "rules" when it comes to what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to who pays what when socialising with friends.

Not at all, if you had £100 in cash it would still be your hard earned money, just in a different format.. if you were gifted £100 voucher or gifted £100 in cash, you could choose to use that to treat everyone if you wanted (not just yourself).. that is exactly what OP did.

I think this is a separate issue in fairness, nothing to do with reciprocation, but it most definitely is a 'thing', there was a thread about it a while back and I was staggered by how many people make this assumption.

In my family, when someone suggests going out for a meal, we all pay for ourselves or we split the bill. Unless someone specifically says 'I'd like to treat you to a meal etc' then the precedent is that everyone pays their own way.

In my DH family, they have the same unwritten rule that the invitee has to pay for everyone.. it's bloody bonkers and totally grabby IMO, and because of it they never go out for meals, or if they do invite us and insist on paying for us, I always feel like I don't want to order what I normally would so find it a bit awkward.

It is much better IMO to all pay for yourselves (or split, or take turns), and IMO everyone should cover the birthday persons between them, not the other way around!!

The hosts, ie you and your stepmum, would be the ones I would think might pay…not your dad.

I wouldn’t make any assumptions though as it does depend on affordability etc and (often for this reason) customs do vary between social groups.

In this sort of situation though, I think it better to make things clear at the invitation stage to avoid confusion.

This sort of argument is why I never split the bill if it is left up to me. I always prefer to pay for what I have eaten.