AIBU to think using their voucher only on their share was rude?

[Dinnerdrama]

We were invited out to dinner with friends at the weekend.They planned to visit a particular restaurant and asked if we’d like to go along.
We had a nice enough meal, couple bottles of wine, liqueurs. All quite pleasant for a Friday night.
When the bill arrived one of our friends presented a voucher and asked for the bill to be halved and the voucher taken off theirs. The waiter seemed slightly bemused and repeated back the request. Our friend repeated and clarified they wanted the bill split and the voucher taken off their half.
I almost died of second hand mortification. Is this not CF of the highest order?! I wouldn’t dream of doing this when I invited people out. If I was that skint, I’d use the voucher as a couple and
not invite others along.
For the record, I have been out for a meal previously with them where I have had a voucher and I had the voucher taken off the whole bill and split the remainder.
Cannot believe the brass neck, it has put me off going out with them again. Massively embarrassed on their behalf, not sure why, they didn’t seem to be!!

Totally agree.

In my scenario the options were: each couple pays £100 for their own food or one person pays £1,000 for everyone's food. I found it bizarre that some family members apparently found scenario one completely unacceptable, but were more than happy to accept my dad spending over a grand. It felt like they were less interested in celebrating my dad's birthday and more interested in a free meal.

But yes, I find the "he/she who invites must pay" rule bizarre too. Me and my friends will regularly ask in our WhatsApp group who is free this weekend for coffee/lunch/dinner but we would never dream of assuming that whoever suggests it should foot the bill.

The above is specifically for birthday meals organised by family members btw 😁

I'll possibly get dragged for ageism but it appeared to be a generational thing and I possibly got a free pass since I was in my early 20s (there's no way I could have afforded to pay for a 3 course meal plus drinks and coffees for 20 people). But perhaps you're right and they expected my stepmum to pay.

But either way, it shows there are different perceptions of what's "grabby" depending on how you frame it.

I thought it was exceptionally rude of them to complain that they had to pay for their own meals, especially when the total bill was quite obviously going to be in excess of £1,000 for everyone. Clearly they thought the meal was going to be paid for, and when it wasn't, it affected their enjoyment to the extent that they felt the need to complain about it afterwards.

On this thread, I think it's grabby to assume that someone else's gift card/gift voucher is fair game for the full table. Clearly others don't. Personally, I would have saved the gift card/gift voucher for a meal out with my partner.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer really, I think it comes down to values and if these are misaligned you either change the company you keep or you alter what you do with them.

OP's generosity in sharing her gift card/gift voucher wasn't reciprocated, so she's probably fair in thinking that posh meals out probably aren't the wisest social activity with these friends, given the extent to which this has bothered her.

I'll possibly get dragged for ageism but it appeared to be a generational thing and I possibly got a free pass since I was in my early 20s (there's no way I could have afforded to pay for a 3 course meal plus drinks and coffees for 20 people). But perhaps you're right and they expected my stepmum to pay.

No, you’re right. When I was a student, or had just started working, if a night out/dinner was arranged for a friend’s birthday it was assumed everyone (except the birthday person) would be paying for themselves.

Now, in my 50’s, if I arranged a special birthday meal for DH with friends or family I’d be paying the bill. (I’d more usually organise something at home though as I’m not rich unfortunately!)

What were you 'vouchers'?

If it's the same as money, you haven't missed out! You were very kind to share your voucher but that is above and beyond friendship if it's basically giving them the equivalent of £50! TheM eating more but splitting the bill equally is more of an issue!

OP, It's very rude to insult people just because they have a different view about something to you, especially when you specifically asked whether you were being unreasonable. Not everyone is going to agree with your way of thinking but it doesn't mean they are wrong and you are right - an opinion is just that.
I am in a circle of friends who are all very generous and we always equally split the bill. One couple are very wealthy but one time they used a gift card their children had bought for them towards their share of the meal. Nobody batted an eyelid, why would we expect a share of their gift?
I do think you have a point about previously sharing your voucher but maybe they forgot about that, or it wasn't an actual gift.
How good friends are they? It sounds like you don't like them very much (or anyone who acts or thinks differently to you). But if you do like them, maybe let it go - not worth losing good friends over?

Pardon?

Ah, I think you’re onto something there.

That would be the last time I “shared” a meal with such “friends”. Sorry - I don’t care what kind of voucher it is, I’d either let others know in advance what I was going to do, or I’d go as a couple and not involve anyone else. Otherwise you come across as a tightwad and not particularly honest either.

I think it’s very rude, OP. Simply because they invited you out. Had it been you guys deciding together to go out to dinner and making a joint plan, then I’d have no problem with them using the voucher and its cash value to cover their portion of the bill or part thereof.

I’m embarrassed for them too. How do you invite ppl out and only pay for yourself when the bill comes?🤦🏽‍♀️ What if OP was impecunious at the time and didn’t have the money to cover anything or much of anything when the bill came?

One of the reasons I’m very particular with who I go out with and why I always make sure I have my own money at all times just in case.

I’d continue the friendship but limit the outings to cheaper ones. It’s unfair that they should benefit from your kindness when the tables were turned but you can’t do the same esp since they invited you out!

Ok, when I offer to treat my friends it's actually a treat and I don't expect them to pay me back. You disagree which is fine, but it's not the moral high ground you, OP, and others are trying to make it out as.

If they didn't plan to share they should have gone alone, another time, to avoid the awkwardness.

If they had said "would love to catch up, we are skint but have a voucher for ABC restaurant, if you fancy ABC restaurant let me know, otherwise let's just do a pub drink soon" then they would have told you why they were suggesting that restaurant and made it tolerably clear that they could only afford to go their because of their voucher and that they weren't planning to share the voucher. Which would be fine.

You could have then accepted those 'terms' or said "great we are skint too so it's fab you can return the favour with the voucher this time, yippee!"

It's the innocuous suggestion of a particular restaurant that was actually for their sole benefit that I think is shitty. (Although yes, they should have returned the favour)

My head hurts from trying to make sense of that

What’s difficult to understand?

Imagine you go out for a meal with a friend and her husband.

Scenario A - voucher: The restaurant is offering 20% off to anyone signed up to its newsletter. Your friend has the code, shows it to the waiter, and the whole bill gets 20% taken off.

Nobody would think the discount should only apply to her share, because it’s just a general promotion reducing the cost of the meal.

Scenario B — gift card/gift voucher: Your friend has a £100 restaurant gift card/gift voucher that her son bought for her as a Christmas present.

Would you assume you’re automatically entitled to £50 of her Christmas present when the bill arrives?

I wouldn't assume so and I would be angry about not but I would raise an eyebrow and think it's somewhat rude to invite people to share a meal and not share the voucher/gift card for it. I would treat them exactly the same and share the benefit with anyone I'd asked to share the meal with me. But I understand people feel differently hence I would find it a bit rude rather than mortifyingly outrageous.

I would be mortified for myself if I didn't apply the giftcard/voucher to the whole amount but I wouldn't apply the same judgement to someone else

You would raise an eyebrow that someone didn't split their Christmas present with you?

See to me that feels really cheeky of you! Yet you seem to be coming across as having some moral superiority on here because of how you interpret this.

It's interested how this thread has been split between those who think it's cheeky not to share the voucher and those who think it's cheeky to assume the voucher should be shared. As I've said upthread, I've come to the conclusion that there's no right or wrong, it's just different values.

Yes, a mild raised eyebrow. I would find it rather awkward.

Christ it’s like one of those math questions at school 😂

Clearly yes to both A and B. If you don’t want to split your voucher of £100, use it another time. Or look like a tight person.

I think we've established that both vouchers were for £100 off a meal, not related to the number of people there or the total cost of the meal?

What we don't know is the source.

If the first, for example, was a raffle prize and the second was a birthday present from one person, does that change things?

Or the end date.

If the first had a week to go or lose it and the second was for a year, does that change things?

And I'm still unclear about whether the description of being invited out for a meal by friends meant "shall we go out for a meal, the four of us?" , which to me means a shared bill, or "will you two join us for a meal" which means that your meal is paid for by the people inviting you.

I've been doing a survey of friends and family and the consensus is 1) when it's your gift voucher you take it off the bill before splitting 2) when it's your friend's gift voucher you encourage them split the bill first and take it off their share only. And also in general people should avoid using gifts vouchers when out with friends to swerve the awkward politeness.

@Rpop just to be clear (as I'm not sure what question you're answering) you would say "yes" to this:

Would you assume you’re automatically entitled to £50 of her Christmas present when the bill arrives?

I think this pretty much covers how I feel about it.

If I had a gift voucher to spend at a restaurant, I would only use it when dining out with DP.

If I was dining out with friends and they had a gift voucher to spend at the restaurant it wouldn't raise a single eyebrow if they used it on their half of the bill. It just wouldn't occur to me that I would be entitled to any share of their personal gift.

This is Scenario B. Except it's not just one Scenario B, it's two of them.

OP shared her gift voucher (AFAIK same restaurant, same amount, same terms, same couple, same year) and the friends didn't share theirs.

Noone's "entitled" to a share, but with similar finances it would be nice if the friends had reciprocated I think.