Partner won't pay back what he spent

[Covermeinrainsrops]

Partner got a bonus in work this week (8k) he had known about it for a few months and in the meantime he used my credit card to buy some things and told me he'd pay it off in full when he got his bonus. He has bad credit so doesn't have his own cc.

anyway the bonus has came and he won't pay back what he spent he has said he didnt use it all he bloody did and it's clear to see on the transactions he did. We got into a massive argument about this tonight and he's refusing to send me the money to pay it off.

He has a second job so brings in more money than me and when I complain about money being tight he tells me I should get a second job but how can I we have three kids who I am primary carer for he works shifts then on off days he will do this second job. I pay for 80% of the kids things he doesn't realise how fast kids grown out of shoes coats etc.
i hate asking him to pay towards anything as it turns into an argument so I will just pay ot myself. But this credit card bill has now added on at least £100 to my already tight budget to try and get it paid off quickly. I can't even go up to bed right now I am so hurt he has put me in this position.

Ok.

so in that case you stop paying the rent to him until he’s first paid back what he owes, and secondly until you have enough for a deposit and a months rent to leave. You stop buying any food for him until he’s first pays his share of the children’s stuff. Etc

I have no advice. I am in shock to see what some people are capable of. I have a similar thinking and acting colleague and some family members. The distorted really they create in their minds is scary.
I am really sorry that you are in this situation.

Perhaps consider therapy, if you have the chance, to put thing in perspective for yourself.

This. Do not pay a penny more in rent, until the credit card debt thst he ran up is paid off. What's he going to do? Throw his own children out in the street? It's in his name, if he falls behind and they start proceedings to evict, you can then go to the council and will be more of a priority for social housing. He sounds like a shocking nightmare on so many ways. And he is financially abusing you. Your rent contribution seems to be the only leverage you have. He doesn't seem to care about you or his children much, which is awful. I'm so sorry you're in this position. Much later when this has all passed over, perhaps consider counselling to get to the bottom of why you seem to end up with this type of waster. You deserve better.

Tell him you're taking his credit card money from the rent you'd usually pay him. Use it to pay the minimums on the card and save for your house deposit. In his own words act like a cunt get treated like one

So,you've known you have had these issues for years/decades,yet still havent sought help on how to assert yourself.

Well, I guess I am glad you were able to rant.

He's abusive, love. He's financially abusing you, he's called you a cunt. What a horrible piece of shit he is.

Look into leaving, because this won't get better.

This man is financially and emotionally abusive.

You really have put yourself in a difficult position with the house being in his name only. However the best thing for you to do is to stop paying the rent and work out what he owes you that way. House is in his name, his responsibility.

Do not allow him any access to any of your cards, by cancelling and getting new ones.

Then I would make a plan to separate.

Firstly, I’d tell him I’m not paying towards the rent until he pays you the money he owes you.
Secondly, I’d rather live in a hostel with my children temporarily than live with an abusive prick like your partner. They’ll thank you for it in the long run and you’ll be happier.

I get this exact phrase. I’ve no kids with DH number 2 so easier, but I’m facing in to the hard truth that I’m in another abusive relationship and I need to get out
that c* line is so controlling, pushing the blame on to you

My god why on earth are you with this person? He sounds like an absolute idiot. Do you want your kids being bought up thinking this is normal??

I wonder if he doesn’t have it to give. Did he have other debts you weren’t aware of, drug debts, gambling debts etc. It may well have already disappeared

And NO ONE who loves you should ever call you a c*. That’s not normal and an abhorrent thing to say.

It was dismissed, CC wouldn’t even look at it
A matter for the family court who dont care about historical assets or debt, they can only look at whats in front of them and split that apparently

@Covermeinrainsrops you said you pay him half the rent? I’d just stop transferring him any money until he has cleared his debt to you. Use your half the rent to pay off your CC. What’s he going to do? Throw you and his kids out? He’s a cowardly man, play him at his own game.
Also I’m petty AF so I’d be buying food / cooking for just the children and myself. Also only doing our washing etc.

And lose the roof over her head ?

You need to leave this scumbag. He will hold you back your entire life if you don't. He clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. Know your worth and shut him down.

Is he going to be taxed on that money? If so, I hope he’s put that aside!

You say that you wouldn’t put your dc through temporary housing.

But you also have spent your own adult life in two abusive relationships, and have now realised thankfully, what’s happening.

you are currently role modelling relationships to your children that a woman being abused by a man is normal. Your daughter may go on to copy.

I would argue that your children being in temporary accommodation for a while is the lesser of the two evils.

I’d also suggest you getting rid of all your cc’s. He can’t have what is not there

You know there are laws to stop this from happening!

@Covermeinrainsrops so if that’s the case stop paying him the rent until it’s all paid. How much does he owe you?

Bin him off and sue him for financial abuse and for repayment.
Financial abuse | The Law Society https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/topics/client-care/financial-abuse

What he is doing is ABUSE.

If he doesn’t pay the rent they all get evicted
The law is very clear on that

I'd also send him a text or WhatsApp with the breakdown and ask him when he said he would pay you back did he ever actually mean it or was it his plan all along to not pay back a penny?

Do it while he at work or away ftom you so it doesn't look suspicious.
Then you will have him on record with the conversation. If he rings don't answer so he has to reply via message. Or use your record setting

"I simply do not understand why women do this to themselves. "

People grow up in various environments, a lot of them different to yours. What you grow up in, how your parents /and teachers etc. / treat you, that becomes your norm. For lot of the people the norm is skewed. They have been conditioned to think lots of behaviours and treatments from people are normal and ok.
It takes a lot to recognize whats going on. And even more to find and carry out a plan what to do with it.