Partner won't pay back what he spent

[Covermeinrainsrops]

Partner got a bonus in work this week (8k) he had known about it for a few months and in the meantime he used my credit card to buy some things and told me he'd pay it off in full when he got his bonus. He has bad credit so doesn't have his own cc.

anyway the bonus has came and he won't pay back what he spent he has said he didnt use it all he bloody did and it's clear to see on the transactions he did. We got into a massive argument about this tonight and he's refusing to send me the money to pay it off.

He has a second job so brings in more money than me and when I complain about money being tight he tells me I should get a second job but how can I we have three kids who I am primary carer for he works shifts then on off days he will do this second job. I pay for 80% of the kids things he doesn't realise how fast kids grown out of shoes coats etc.
i hate asking him to pay towards anything as it turns into an argument so I will just pay ot myself. But this credit card bill has now added on at least £100 to my already tight budget to try and get it paid off quickly. I can't even go up to bed right now I am so hurt he has put me in this position.

Sorry, OP, but he's an utter piece of shit: spunking your money on his hobby and then failing to pay you back is fucking disgraceful, especially when he's got a bonus of £8k. He's also being abusive in expecting you to bear the entire cost of things like the kids' clothes: that should be a shared expense at the very least. I hope he at least pays his share of bills, food shopping etc.

I'm quite surprised that he's even got a tenancy in his name when his credit rating's so fucked, tbh. Landlords often use credit checking agencies before accepting tenants, and and letting agencies definitely do.

I used to be shit with money and got seriously in debt several times, but I could always tell you what I'd spent the money on. The fact that he was using credit in your name and then tried to claim that it wasn't his spending is really taking the piss: of course he fucking knew.

If the hobby spending was on equipment, I'd suggest sticking it all on Ebay in an attempt to recoup some of the debt. And if you haven't done it already, cancel his credit card so that he can't rack up any more debt.

Agree with others that women's aid might be helpful, but also try a general advice agency like CAB and ask to speak to a debt adviser. Because you are a victim of financial abuse and possibly coercive control, there might be options for your specific circumstances that take into account that this isn't entirely your fault. They will have come across similar situations before.

I'd say leave the bastard, but it might be difficult for you to find somewhere to rent with that level of indebtedness.

And if you read what I said, there’s no way that that is possible. No Landlord in the country would allow it so either he is lying to make her think that she has no legal rights.
Or if hes lied to the LL he could change the locks on her the day after she doesn’t transfer her share of the rent and there’s absolutely nothing she can do about it
Neither position sound particularly stable

If my husband ever called me a c I'd be right out the door. WTF

I pay for 80% of the kids things he doesn't realise how fast kids grown out of shoes coats etc He understands perfectly. He just doesn’t care because you’re taking care of it all. Read that again so it sinks in. He does understand. He just doesn’t care.

i hate asking him to pay towards anything as it turns into an argument so I will just pay ot myself Do you not think that maybe he’s worked this out for himself and is taking full advantage of it? And you?

after we both got a bit too carried away with my previous credit card (which he didn't pay anything towards either) So he’s done this to you before and you let him do it again? What did you think had changed since the last time he fucked you over? How many chances do you want to give him to take the food out of your family’s mouths before you bin this horrible little ponce off?

Take what he bought on your card and sell it. You won’t get anywhere near the price he paid but it’ll be £20 in your pocket and those things are yours. You can prove ownership. He can’t. Also, he needs to learn that if you act like a cunt, then you’ll get treated like a cunt.

Seriously, this man is a user. He will use you for everything you have and he feels no shame in that. He’s a grown man poncing off a woman and her children. Doesn’t that make your stomach turn? It’s time to get rid of him, my lovely.

You need to talk to Women's aid.

This is a highly abusive relationship.
Your poor children.

Seek help.
He is deliberately financially abusing you and putting you in debt.

Reach out for help.
Stop accepting this.

Brilliant advice here
get rid

He sent me the money last night!!! He thinks all is good now it is not I'm making a plan to leave- it won't happen over night but I am actively looking for a new home. He got this house in his name as his credit wasn't bad 9 years ago mine was...my credit is now good I will pass a credit check

I will be entitled to UC even with my full time work and I will get CSA payments. After calculating I will be about £300 better off a month even if I'm paying full rent alone

That's WONDERFUL news OP! I'm really pleased for you, and hope that in future if you do find another person to share your life, you will have now learned your lesson - at the first sign of selfishness, poor credit, or anything signalling a red flag with regard to money, or controlling behaviour, you will send them on their way. Also, when you've found somewhere to settle, don't give it up for anyone, other than your own desires, a roof over your head is one of the most valuable things in life.

Wishing you all the very best for a future WITHOUT this blood sucker!

Oh, and while you're looking for somewhere to move to, be sure not to pay anything more than YOUR share, whether it be food, bills, or stuff for the children. Also, make sure that he contributes his FAIR SHARE toward your upcoming holiday, if you stay with him that long, which personally I wouldn't, but know that you can't easily just upsticks and move out when you have kids to consider.

Still contact women's aid, they know how these men will reel you in to stay don’t tell him anything. You need to protect your money because if he finds out you are going to leave he may become even more nasty & use money to stop you leaving or use the children to guilt you into staying. Think you should speak to your bank about safeguarding your accounts.

OP, please still tell the authorities of his financial abuse of you. It might help you with housing.
Tell your GP too.
This is a bad man.
Seek help to get away.
You deserve it.

Fantastic news OP.
However, you still need to get away. Contact Refuse they can help you get out and find somewhere for you and your children. They can also help with any legal advice too.

Or the other option is yo go to Citizens advice they may be able to point you to temporary housingcand get you on council house list. Or just ho directly to the council tell them about the financial abuse and explain you need to leave ASAP as you have children they have a duty of care.

Goodluck x

@Covermeinrainsrops if he has your card details get it closed down in case he uses it again, same for any other cards of yours he has details for, get new cards if needed

Im so pleased that you are finding your strength, and that you’ve done the sums. And don’t forget that he will have to pay child support. He’s not currently supporting them at all so it might be worth putting in a claim.
First, though, please just ask yourself what changed this time ?, so that he backed down and sent you the money?
my guess is that what changed was you, He knew full well that you were seeing him for the arsehole that he is. Change more. Tell him that he needs to be supporting the children. Tell him that from now, you will pay proportionately for rent and bills, so if he earns twice as much, he pays twice as much. And if he’s not paying for the holiday, go without him. I done hate many people but I really hate this man. He’s a prick. You on the other hand, are a marvel. You deserve better.

Oh so pleased to hear this OP! Such great news that you have a plan for a MUCH happier future without this scumbag. Really good luck! 💐

But the debt isn’t ‘put on you’. You have put it on yourself by allowing him to use your card.

This.

Also wishing you well @Covermeinrainsrops. You've done brilliantly building your credit back and I have no doubt you can do it with your life too.

Am glad for you and your children you are looking to leave. This is abuse and it’s such an awful way to live- as a resource to exploit not something to love and care for. You children mustn’t grow up seeing that. Do the freedom course or similar as there will almost certainly be other elements that you haven’t even twigged yet. Take care

We had a talk last week and I told him I was done he was pretty shocked at that (wtf) he suggested relationship counselling I said no. I don't want to work on this. I think counselling is good for couples who are stressed and trying to muddle through family life and keep their relationship going I don't think it works when one person is just cruel. And he is just cruel so I'm not even going to pretend I am just done. He should be able to move into his parents rental property they have at the start of August. So I will keep on this house and hopefully get the agreement changed over to my name. Thanks for all the advice. I would like us to be civil for the kids but yes my limit has been reached I feel like my nervous system is completely shot so once he does move out I will be focusing on the kids and making sure they are ok then when they are with him I will do a lot of self work on me

Thank you so much for the update, I’ve been thinking about you. Well done, i5 i# so hard to com3 through thi# stuff. You will be fine💐💐💐

Well done - it really sounds as though you have reached a turning point in how you treat yourself and allow others to treat you. Hope the path from here on will bring empowerment and happiness.

Your credit card is now cut off from him using it ever again until he returns the money! Even if you pay it off he is still not allowed to buy stuff on it until he reimburses you!

Well done , sounds like a solid plan.