Partner won't pay back what he spent

[Covermeinrainsrops]

Partner got a bonus in work this week (8k) he had known about it for a few months and in the meantime he used my credit card to buy some things and told me he'd pay it off in full when he got his bonus. He has bad credit so doesn't have his own cc.

anyway the bonus has came and he won't pay back what he spent he has said he didnt use it all he bloody did and it's clear to see on the transactions he did. We got into a massive argument about this tonight and he's refusing to send me the money to pay it off.

He has a second job so brings in more money than me and when I complain about money being tight he tells me I should get a second job but how can I we have three kids who I am primary carer for he works shifts then on off days he will do this second job. I pay for 80% of the kids things he doesn't realise how fast kids grown out of shoes coats etc.
i hate asking him to pay towards anything as it turns into an argument so I will just pay ot myself. But this credit card bill has now added on at least £100 to my already tight budget to try and get it paid off quickly. I can't even go up to bed right now I am so hurt he has put me in this position.

Boot him off the holiday then. I would have no hesitation in doing so.

Change your card and hide the new one. Remove any access he still has to your money/credit.

Yes. Nothing more needs to be said.

What did he spend the money on? If it’s a physical item I’d be taking it off him or selling it on.

If you’re not leaving him, which you should, never do him a favour again.

Sell stuff of his or pawn it then kick him out

You’re going to have to make a tough decision OP.

MEN LIKE HIM NEVER CHANGE.
THEY PUT THEMSELVES FIRST ALWAYS.
HE’S SELFISH AND IS NOT A GOOD DAD OR PARTNER.

Are you willing to put up with being treated like shit for the rest of your life and you and the kids living on or below the breadline or will you take a stand now?

His selfishness will slowly destroy you.

1. Take his stuff and start selling it to repay what he owes you.
2. Turf him out and claim maintenance for his children.

Be grateful that you aren’t married!

Please leave him. Stealing from you and threatening you are both appalling. He’s stealing from your children. That’s disgusting.

You have to stop letting him have access to your credit card! Honestly, he's done it before and he's done it again, not paying you back. If he wants to order something online, money up front.

There's little about him OP that seems at all endearing. You sure he brings anything good to the relationship?

Nothing about this set up seems fair at all! For example, you doing all the child care, which enables him to work the second job whilst you can’t, but not sharing money is not fair. You covering all the children’s expenses is not fair.

This latest situation ought to be enough to push you over the edge to get rid of him. He has basically stolen from you, even if you can’t prove it.

I’m guessing the op won’t be back.

there seems to be swathes of women who tolerate being abused, and just seem oblivious that being single is an option.

as a society I’d love to know what we are doing wrong and how to help these women. Is it growing up surrounded by misogyny, surrounding yourself with misogynists (possibly not even consciously just in a birds of a feather way), that you truly believe women don’t deserve as much as men, and are there to serve men? I guess this is what is currently being role modelled to her children so the cycle will continue. What to do?

OP - YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS MAN.

THIS. This is what you need to do.

Sorry only getting to reply

I think he has a gambling problem it's not drink or drugs. He also is terrible at budgeting and I've told him this when he is doing his monthly budget he adds everything up wrong and subtracts it wrong even on a calculator. I've told him repeatedly he's doing it wrong but he doesn't listen so then he thinks he has more disposable income a month.

he also has an expensive hobby that I know he wants to buy new equipment for so he will use some of it for that. His arrogance annoys me so much. We both have a big birthday coming up this year his is AFTER mine and he asked me last week had I booked his party. I laughed and said have you booked mine and he said no you like to plan your own things (I don't and I am not wanting a party anyway) but that just shows his attitude it's all about him.

we rent and it's in his name but I pay half. I didn't wake him for work this morning and he slept in which was also my fault. Bear in mind I was up had got showered and ready in the room and had the kids up and having breakfast before he got up. He huffed and puffed because I let him sleep in...I also work full time yet do all the school runs before and after work, he gets up gets ready and leaves.

If the rent is his name then I would stop paying rent to him. Then be looking at finding somewhere else to live.
How long have you been together?

Realistically I can't leave yet...the house is in his name. Where we live rentals are like hens teeth and very expensive so I need a deposit and first month rent which I can't possible save atm. I also have no family I can stay with and housing here you first go into a hostel which I wouldn't do on my kids.

I have a problem why I allow this I was the same with my exh he paid nothing he had the mortgage in his name but I paid half the mortgage each month. Anytime qe talked about me going on the mortgage he made excuses (I wasn't on it originally as I didn't have a permanent job the after a year I was made permanent) I took out a massive loan to renovate the house and three years later he had an affair kept the house yet I was left with the load to pay off which I only finished paying two years ago. So I have issues that I need to sort why I allow myself to be treated like this.

You're screwed really. In every sense.

Still this!

Why are you with him?

It seems you will give lots of information but not answer this. My suspicion is because even though he's done this, you have no intention of leaving. If that is the case (and I apologise if I'm wrong) then why post?

Edit - ignore as op posted the answer just as I posted this

This sounds like an absolutely infuriating position to be in. Can you get onto a housing list whilst carrying on for as long as you can stand it with this guy? Or can you talk to his mother/father/ brother so they can see what's going on? And they can help explain to him why he needs to give you his share of what he's spent? I really feel for you 🥺

Block him on any and all credit. Hide the card. Refuse to pay for his toys.

You do realise this is financial abuse. What does he actually pay for with his 2 jobs.

He is financially abusing you.

Stop paying the rent. It’s in his name so it’s his bill. If he challenges you, tell him it’s a payment plan to reimburse you for his cc spends and for all the extra expenses for his children.

He can’t throw out his kids… and he can’t be primary parent/carer and still do 2 jobs and his expensive hobby so what’s he going to do?

If there’s any risk of aggression, contact the police. In any case, I do think you should speak to women’s aid to get some advice because this is no way to live.

Calculate how much he owes you and deduct that from your rent payments. If he won't pay you he can pay the full rent until his debt is paid

Did you sue him?

Of course but OP would need evidence the things bought only benefited him, not her or the family. She hasn’t said what he spent it on. It could be something blatantly obviously for him but then he could also say she bought him that as a gift? So unless there’s texts which OP said there aren’t, I reckon she’d struggle.

Might be worthwhile tricking him into texting you about this though. Perhaps send the screenshots of your statements to him in a text and highlight the instances where he used it, then ask him to transfer the money ASAP. If he responds, at least you have something.

I second contacting women’s aid though, you’re in a bit of a pickle outside of this.

Yep 100% stop paying the rent. Tell him he owes you X amount and you won’t start paying rent again until he’s covered this by paying your “share” himself. Save the money.

Can anything he got on the credit card be returned? What exactly did he buy?

Go to women’s aid they might help.

OMG - OP, your partner is unbelievably selfish and self centred. He doesn't care about how this is affecting you. Of course he ought to pay back 100% of what you kindly let him borrow seeing as his income is so much higher than yours! AND he ought to be paying far more than 20% towards the kids!!

He hasn't got your back. That is really worrying and not normal.