Consent needs full disclosure, right?

[PeoplesNet]

Twice now I've had to deal with men who don't last longer than two minutes in bed (or 6 seconds) and they knew about their problem beforehand but didn't think it relevant to warn me or check I was okay with it.

Is it unreasonable to consider this a failure to get informed consent? I would never have agreed to waste my time getting done up, spend hours with them on a date, get naked with them etc if I'd known there was no possibility of enjoyment for me, just them.

No relationship involved, so it was obvious I was expecting to enjoy myself as well.

At this stage, I'll confirm: they couldn't do anything to satisfy me - clearly not interested in working on any skills to satisfy the woman.

20 years ago, I would have felt obligated to accept this and feel sorry for the bloke and his issues. But at this enlightened stage in my life, I feel angry and used. I explained to the most recent guy that he has an obligation to warn any potential partner so they can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to have sex with him. To his credit, he did agree and said he hadn't considered that. But why not?? Why isn't this info reaching men?

I've been reading on here about issues with men taking too long to share kinks and I know people would be furious if STDs / HIV status weren't discussed beforehand.

I think it's time for men/people to recognise that consent isn't just a general 'yes' and then people have to deal with whatever cr*p you throw at them in bed.

I suppose I have learned now to be explicit about what I'm consenting to. So if any men start wondering why they're suddenly being asked for girth, length and stamina. This is why. Haha jokes.

I mean this arrogant douche hadn't even considered viagra, and tried to tell me no other sexual partners had complained! What?! Then they were being typical, polite, agreeable women, because no way is shifting your weight every 5 seconds and climaxing after 2 mins acceptable bedroom behaviour!

This is a wind-up, surely.

Your post is an insult to anyone who has been sexually assaulted or raped. So, so ignorant.

WTAF

You expect a bloke to tell you he cant last more than 6 seconds because you wouldn't bother your arse getting dressed up?

Choose better men.

I agree OP. I've been verbally abused during sex, without any prior consent. It is a violation. Someone having their way with you without making any effort to satisfy you whatsoever is also a selfish violation. It is being used.

WTAF have I just read.

Right Ok.

You want people to inform you they are shit in bed?

Surely that's subjective.

Aside from the offensive nature of you continually referring to consent as though you have been assaulted.

You've just had a crap shag.

This isn’t a consent issue. You aren’t consenting to a certain level of “performance.” That is a separate issue. If you’re going to jump into bed with someone before getting to know them, which is how things like this would be discussed, then this is a risk you take. You might end up in bed with someone who does have issues, and can’t satisfy and you can’t talk about it properly because you barely know them.

You have informed consent. Stop trying to compare yourself to an actual rape victim. That’s disgusting.

Someone being bad in bed or unable to perform is not anywhere near the same as sexual assault or rape.

Someone having sex with you, and then starting to use horrible language or doing anything like hitting, strangling is different - that would be an assault.

But the man knows his own performance, how is it not selfish to make zero effort on your bed partner if you know you don't last long, and then pretend like it's ok? He used her.

This is what foreplay is for. You take time to build up to sex. If he’s not turning you on and leaving you horny after a couple of dates with your clothes on, don’t bother getting naked.

Selfish, yes. Rape? No. The OP gave consent to have sexual contact with him. The quality of that sexual contact has nothing to do with it.

Where does this end? Who decides who is good in bed and who is bad, so that we can then inform a new partner which category we are in so they can consent? Utter madness. This has nothing to do with consent.

You gave consent. The sex was a bit shit. Don’t consent again.

Maybe he realised he just didnt fancy you

Where did the OP compare it to rape?

And being used by someone isn't just someone being bad in bed. He made a choice to ignore her. That's not ok and she didn't consent to that.

Any reasonable person would expect mutual respect. And when you don't get it, it does feel abusive.

Getting shit sex is not a consent issue.

I think you’re confusing two different issues and it is insensitive to use language associated with rape and conflate the two issues.

I think if you get physically intimate with someone you don’t know very well and don’t know if they are generally selfish etc. then it’s always a bit of a lottery.

Thanks guys, I do read all replies. Disappointed with a few comparisons to rape. No one mentioned rape. "Informed" consent was described and the feeling of having been "used".

Please don't reframe what's been written.

I agree that good and bad sex are subjective, which is why I didn't say that either. I only specified that men should be upfront if they cannot spend longer than a few seconds, or two minutes, having sex. That's objectively not good for the partner in bed with them and can even be physically timed so it definitely isn't subjective.

Thanks again. Could be wrong, but I got the feeling a lot of men replied. Would love to hear from more women on this, especially if they have been through it themselves, or similar.

YABU to say it is a consent issue

YANBU to be disappointed that a bloke doesn't make any effort to help you have any pleasure using any of the available options. if he doesn't last, he'd find other ways to give you pleasure if he cared about that.

I was repeatedly slapped on the arse.

Honestly, I didn’t think I’d need to say “don’t slap me” beforehand. He acted like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Because sex without consent is rape.
Hope that helps.

What makes you think it's men? I commented. I am a woman. I think your comment here is a cop out. You knew exactly what you were saying. Sex without informed consent is illegal, it is rape/sexual assault which I have been victim of. It is not comparable at all to sex being shit. You even refer to HIV in your post which would fall into non-consensual, again, not comparable to shit sex. You're backtracking because people aren't agreeing with you.

I’m generally of the opinion that if a piece of information is likely to make someone reconsider their decision about intimacy, it needs to be disclosed.

The quality of sex is definitely subjective. Stamina is far from the only or even easiest way for a man to provide sexual release for the average random female partner. I would say it’s far more important to disclose that he doesn’t engage in foreplay.

Because we don’t agree with your framing this as an issue of consent, then we must be men?

I’m a single mum, but I’ll be sure to take your comment on board and reconsider if perhaps I am a man… because you’re waffling in about consent in a situation in which consent has nothing to do with it. I’d actually say that perhaps these replies are from women who actually have been sexually touched without consent so we know what we’re talking about.

“No relationship imvolved” .. there is your answer, why would they be interested in satisfying you? As long as they are satisfied, Jon done for them