Consent needs full disclosure, right?

[PeoplesNet]

Twice now I've had to deal with men who don't last longer than two minutes in bed (or 6 seconds) and they knew about their problem beforehand but didn't think it relevant to warn me or check I was okay with it.

Is it unreasonable to consider this a failure to get informed consent? I would never have agreed to waste my time getting done up, spend hours with them on a date, get naked with them etc if I'd known there was no possibility of enjoyment for me, just them.

No relationship involved, so it was obvious I was expecting to enjoy myself as well.

At this stage, I'll confirm: they couldn't do anything to satisfy me - clearly not interested in working on any skills to satisfy the woman.

20 years ago, I would have felt obligated to accept this and feel sorry for the bloke and his issues. But at this enlightened stage in my life, I feel angry and used. I explained to the most recent guy that he has an obligation to warn any potential partner so they can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to have sex with him. To his credit, he did agree and said he hadn't considered that. But why not?? Why isn't this info reaching men?

I've been reading on here about issues with men taking too long to share kinks and I know people would be furious if STDs / HIV status weren't discussed beforehand.

I think it's time for men/people to recognise that consent isn't just a general 'yes' and then people have to deal with whatever cr*p you throw at them in bed.

I suppose I have learned now to be explicit about what I'm consenting to. So if any men start wondering why they're suddenly being asked for girth, length and stamina. This is why. Haha jokes.

I mean this arrogant douche hadn't even considered viagra, and tried to tell me no other sexual partners had complained! What?! Then they were being typical, polite, agreeable women, because no way is shifting your weight every 5 seconds and climaxing after 2 mins acceptable bedroom behaviour!

Why don’t you draft up a contract stating they have to last a certain time?

Maybe is a you thing, not them?

And as a rape survivor, how can you conflate shit sex with lack of consent? That is beyond crass.

Correct. But I was discussing "informed" consent and feeling "used". I wouldn't have consented if he had told me how long he can last so I would like to see it normalised to be upfront about this.

How many women have faked an orgasm? Rightly or wrongly?

So are these women at fault, because your current sexual partner assumed he had satisfied them, so he's not at fault. But neither are they, because they only faked it because of a previous partner...

I could go on 😂

someone tells them...

I bite. You know that men (and women) "perform" very differently depending on who they are having sex with? 😂 And how often , and when...

So why didn't you insist they engage in more foreplay before sex? if you're only in it for the orgasm, why aren't you insisting on those conversations before hand?

As for thanking the pp who'd been verbally harassed during sex, again, premature ejaculation is not abusive.

He sounds worse than useless to be fair. Op would have had a better time alone

I'm sorry to hear you have had to survive rape and I'm grateful you shared this. I'll say this just once more: my post describes "informed" consent and feeling "used". At no point has rape been mentioned. It is a reasonable and fair point to raise regarding consent (it needing to be informed).

Just like when people say you need to share if you are trans before sexual activity, or if you are married, or anything at all which could reasonably expect to have altered consent from yes to no.

Years ago, a male friend told me it wasn't rape if you were drugged / unconscious when someone had sex with you. There is still a lot to be learned about consent. (A number of male friends corrected him, not just me, thankfully - it's not all men!).

If you have ever been love bombed: you'll know that not all sex is consensual just because someone tricked you into it.

Maybe look up what informed consent means too.

Informed consent is a concept in medicine. It's irrelevant to sex. Without informed consent, performing a procedure/starting medication can be unlawful. It can even be an assault.

What you mean is you'd prefer to know beforehand if someone usually doesn't last very long etc. That's got nothing to do with consent and using words like "I wouldn't have consented" is incredibly offensive when what you mean is more like "I wouldn't have bothered getting dressed up and doing my hair".

Used? Bloody hell. If someone has sex with you without consent that is not comparable to the sex being a bit crap.

Like it or not, you are making yourself out to be a victim of something. Nobody ‘consents’ to shit sex. But you use the same language as women do when they are assaulted.

If it has happened twice, how do you know it’s not just with you? Perhaps ask for a list of their last ten finishing times in future so that you don’t feel ‘used’ or that you ‘did not consent’.

Quite. And maybe don't tell people "it's not offensive" or "it's not insensitive".

Lots of people here are offended by your stupid conflation of a disappointing shag with a lack of consent.
That makes it offensive.

Exactly that. I mean I didn’t consent at all when I was raped as a 15 yo virgin but it’s good to know that having a crap shag was the same thing

👏 hear hear

I know what I mean, thank you. I wished they had properly informed me as I wouldn't have agreed to have sex with either of them because I wanted to enjoy myself and would have known I couldn't.

Thank you for accurately describing what informed consent means. Yes, it is often used in medicine. It can be applied to every context where consent is needed. And you are correct: consent in medical procedures is not considered valid if it wasn't informed. I feel this advice needs to extend to every context where consent is needed.

You're doing a great job at pretending to understand why you're wrong without actually accepting you're wrong.

How long is a piece of string?

How can he predict how long he’d last?
It is like asking you to the minute how long will it take for you to finish? When often as a woman, we don’t even know if we will finish.

Wow! Do you really think that? Are you a 30 yo incel in his mother’s basement? I am actually completely shocked by the replies to this. I’ve had lots of casual sex and almost to a one they made a huge effort to make it as pleasurable and fun for me as themselves. I am quite frankly beyond shocked that other women think that this behaviour from not one but 2 men is ok, and even to be expected. Does no one on this site have a sex life

If you want to extend informed consent to sex, then it would be regarding a partner having an STD or something like that. Nothing to do with crap sex.

I don’t think it’s controversial of me to say that you used language associated with rape. Sex without consent is a concept associated with rape, and I’m very surprised you can’t see it and are not acknowledging it. Sorry if it’s sidelined things and you feel I and others are missing the point. I do think it’s also true that sex with someone who is out for a one night stand probably is more likely to mean they might not be considerate of your needs. I personally wouldn’t hold it against someone if they couldn’t last long, but would think less of them if they had no regard for my
pleasure.

100% this.

I can understand frustration at their lack of regard for your enjoyment and their apparent focus on their pleasure, and their pleasure alone. I think it is not unreasonable say you feel let down. These men were clearly very selfish, regardless of their issues with premature ejaculation- because it would seem they were not interested in your satisfaction at all.

Premature ejaculation is something that can happen to any man, and sometimes it can be an occasional thing or a regular issue. I have no idea if both men knew it was a problem with every attempt at intercourse or something which they knew could happen sometimes- but nonetheless, your consent was given to have sex, the consent is not valid “only if I enjoy it/it lives up to what you said it would be like”.

I see no way of managing the issue of removal of consent can be based on “he told me he was great in bed, but he wasn’t” (the reason he was not good in bed don’t really matter- I.e. an issue you think would be certain to lead to poor sexual performance- in the broader sense of your argument). How would that even be proveable? Even if you could prove it, how would you determine what was an acceptable level of performance? How would you prove that a man would be sure his performance would be unsatisfactory in advance? And it could used in reverse too. It is widely open to false accusations/game playing/ revenge etc.

@PeoplesNet you said in your latest post "I feel this advice [ie the need to be fully informed] needs to extend to every context where consent is needed."

What you are saying here, given what you believe "informed consent" requires in sex, is that sex without knowing in advance that someone would be a bad shag would be rape.

Do you realise that is what you're arguing?

No one said it was the same thing. Not every experience of rape or being used is the same and it isn't fair to invalidate another woman's experiences just because yours was objectively worse. There is always someone whose experience was worse than yours, but we're still allowed to keep trying to evolve and make things better for everyone across the board.

It's sad some people keep saying it was a 'crap sh*g'. That wasn't the issue I described. I've experienced that too and wouldn't complain about that as an issue of informed consent or being used.

It's the deceit and advance knowledge that you cannot last longer than a few seconds, or two minutes at most. I was very specific.

This 💯

It is so fucking insulting to read posts like the OP. Everyone else can see it was just shit sex.

Like someone else said - you have a duty to inform a potential partner of something like an STI but that’s it.

If someone thinks the OP is shit in bed, can they wang on about ‘informed consent’ and ‘being used’?