Consent needs full disclosure, right?

[PeoplesNet]

Twice now I've had to deal with men who don't last longer than two minutes in bed (or 6 seconds) and they knew about their problem beforehand but didn't think it relevant to warn me or check I was okay with it.

Is it unreasonable to consider this a failure to get informed consent? I would never have agreed to waste my time getting done up, spend hours with them on a date, get naked with them etc if I'd known there was no possibility of enjoyment for me, just them.

No relationship involved, so it was obvious I was expecting to enjoy myself as well.

At this stage, I'll confirm: they couldn't do anything to satisfy me - clearly not interested in working on any skills to satisfy the woman.

20 years ago, I would have felt obligated to accept this and feel sorry for the bloke and his issues. But at this enlightened stage in my life, I feel angry and used. I explained to the most recent guy that he has an obligation to warn any potential partner so they can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to have sex with him. To his credit, he did agree and said he hadn't considered that. But why not?? Why isn't this info reaching men?

I've been reading on here about issues with men taking too long to share kinks and I know people would be furious if STDs / HIV status weren't discussed beforehand.

I think it's time for men/people to recognise that consent isn't just a general 'yes' and then people have to deal with whatever cr*p you throw at them in bed.

I suppose I have learned now to be explicit about what I'm consenting to. So if any men start wondering why they're suddenly being asked for girth, length and stamina. This is why. Haha jokes.

I mean this arrogant douche hadn't even considered viagra, and tried to tell me no other sexual partners had complained! What?! Then they were being typical, polite, agreeable women, because no way is shifting your weight every 5 seconds and climaxing after 2 mins acceptable bedroom behaviour!

.

Someone who is going to be selfish in sex, three pumps and done isnt going to be a prince among men, he isn't going to be an amazing guy; there will be signs, there will be flags, they will be red and they will have been ignored...

Repeating my original comment which was deleted with the apparently abusive word replaced with the word sausage

“In that case, I hope you’ll be informing blokes in advance what a sausage you are”

Have to say I think it’s wild that my reply got deleted, when i see people using far ruder words than (rick with a p) here all the time.

Also surprised that the rules don’t allow for the nuance of calling someone who equates disappointing sex to rape a word which is regularly broadcast pre watershed. Hey ho.
Sorry to all of my fellow MNers who have experienced sexual violence I suppose.

Nonsense. The OP refers to men who have a problem, I.e. premature ejaculation.

Personally I’m not convinced a man should have to disclose this in advance. Can you imagine if a woman came on here saying that her date had complained that she hadn’t warned him in advance that she was rubbish in bed before he had paid for dinner?

Anyway, just because a man has PE it doesn’t mean he cannot be a lovely man in every other respect. He and his girlfriend just need to communicate with each other to see if he can satisfy her in other ways. If she needs penetration to be satisfied that may not be possible but it does NOT mean he is not “a prince among men”.

Op, I do somewhat see where you are coming from but how do you see this working?

Are you suggesting that prior to sex parties sit down and negotiate.

Woman "can you promise me at least 10 minutes foreplay followed by 15 minutes sex"

Man " How about the other way round"

Woman "will you guarantee me at least 2 orgasms"

Man "can you promise you are tight enough for me"

It is a risk you take, if you like someone enough or are comfortable going to bed with them then you accept they might disappoint you, but you hope not.

You already had consented to sex. The fact that it was bad sex was unfortunate but it isn’t a consent issue at that point, it’s a disappointment issue.

Bloody hell, imagine reversing the roles on this

If I had vaginismus and couldn't be penetrated, and was going on a date that was going to end in sexual activity, I'd definitely say up front beforehand that penetration wouldn't work. So why would a man not say he can't engage in normal penetrative sex because he suffers from premature ejaculation? There are so many reasons to inform your partner beforehand that you can't engage in ordinary, PIV sex, and literally no reason not to.

Is it the crime of the century (or indeed, a crime at all)? No. Is it any sort of assault? No. Is it manipulative and dishonest to intentionally withhold that information? Yes.

Deliberately withholding information because you don't want someone to retract consent, and you believe the information will cause them to do so, is incredibly immoral. It's not sexual assault or rape, but you are, in fact, knowingly removing their ability to provide informed consent.

Personally I don’t think a woman should be expected to say she has vaginismus before going on a date either.

But why would you not tell someone before you engage in sexual activity? What earthly reason is there to withhold it? It's not like they won't find out if you don't tell them!

Surely it varies on each occasion?

I absolutely agree.

I know that in later comments the PE became evident; when I made the initial comment to which you replied; it was made under the impression OP had simply encountered an episode of shit sex by a selfish lover. Hence my suggestion to choose better men. (no red flags for selfishness etc)

I'm absolutely in agreement that an individual shouldn't have to confess to PE prior, i think this whole OP is ridiculous.

Why would a man not mention his premature ejaculation before he is naked with his sex partner, and engaging in sexual activity? Does he think she won't notice when he ejaculates 6 seconds into penetration? What would be the reasoning behind him not mentioning it at dinner, before things shift to the bedroom? I genuinely can't understand it.

Because when you go out to meet someone sex might not be inevitable?

Sorry if that’s a bit old-fashioned on my part.

The way forward for the OP is blindingly obvious. She should design a performance test for potential partners, with questions such as 📧

• Do you suffer or have you ever suffered with premature ejaculation?
• Do you suffer, or have you ever suffered with penile dysfunction?
• What is the shortest sex session you have ever had?
• How long is the longest session that you have had?
• Do you have any fetishes?

Then, a picture of a naked woman, student has to click on the erogenous zones.

The options are endless. If you use an internet dating site you could pop the quiz on your profile.

I was about to say, I’m putting this on my dating profile stat!

My rates are perfectly reasonable @Cheeble !

OP explains that after the poor performance they declined to give her pleasure

A man who can’t / won’t sustain a mutual sexual encounter should be able to use a woman? That’s a very odd view

Common courtesy is that he should explain his performance issues and philosophy that he offers no alternative for his partners orgasm

@toomuchfaff

I'd go so far as to say proposterous.

So your view is a man with PE "offers no alternative for his partners orgasm"

I'm sure many would disagree.

I'm not even going anywhere near the use of "use a woman".

Oh! Fair enough, yes. I only mean if it seems like that's the night sex will happen. I also, on another thread right now, have said that I think people should be upfront about their kinks. When it comes to sex (or anything, really) I think honesty and communication is the ethical policy, which should come from both parties.

To deliberately withhold pertinent information because you think it might make your sex partner say 'no' instead of 'yes' is incredibly wrong.

You cannot understand why a man would not mention this PE at dinner? When sex is the only reason for them being together?

because he does not want the sex that is on the table, so to speak, to be taken off said table. Ie he will mis-sell himself.

Hah, yes, you're right! Really, I should've said: "I can't understand why he wouldn't be honest and upfront, unless he's actively seeking to deceive his potential sex partner into having sex she wouldn't otherwise consent to."